


Wasted Time

by msmorie



Category: Jrock, LUNA SEA, X JAPAN
Genre: Angst, Break Up, F/M, Fights, M/M, Minor Original Character(s), Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, mentions of other jrockers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:14:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 15
Words: 53,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26987308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/msmorie/pseuds/msmorie
Summary: “I am just so fucking tired—”“You’retired! You should see what it’s like on this side! Toshi’s fucking miserable and nobody knows why, and Yoshiki’s in fucking hospital, half-dead with a broken neck!”Looking back, neither of them could remember how this particular fight started or what was said between them. All they could remember was how it ended.
Relationships: Heath (X JAPAN)/Sugizo (LUNA SEA)
Comments: 56
Kudos: 36





	1. Chapter 1

**June 1996**

It wasn’t anyone’s fault. Not any one person.

“I barely see you as it is—”

“We’ve got a fucking tour starting in three weeks!”

“—and you cancel all the time!”

“Oh that is _rich_ coming from you!”

They were just so busy and stressed with their own bands, with recording and rehearsals and spending weeks upon weeks on the road touring.

“It was always about sex for you, wasn’t it?”

“Not like you ever said no!”

“What about you, flirting with Ryuichi onstage all the time?”

“It’s just fanservice! Everyone does it! It’s not serious! It’s not even real!”

They were spending too much time apart, and in the times that they were together, they were usually too mentally or physically tired to put any effort into their relationship.

“What do you expect me to do? The _UnEnding Style_ tour is our biggest tour ever, do you expect me to drop everything and come running?”

“I never said that so don’t fucking put those words in my mouth!”

“Then what _do_ you want?”

In the end, they were just emotionally unavailable for each other. Even having sex had lost its spark. Minor annoyances became deep grievances that drove a wedge between them.

“I am just so fucking tired—”

“ _You’re_ tired! You should see what it’s like on this side! Toshi’s fucking miserable and nobody knows why, and Yoshiki’s in fucking hospital, half-dead with a broken neck!”

Looking back, neither of them could remember how this particular fight started or what was said between them. All they could remember was how it ended.

“You know what, clearly this whole thing was a mistake.”

“That’s it, isn’t it? That’s why this never worked out when you’ve been thinking that this whole time.”

Sugizo clenched his fists. He wanted to punch something or break something. Instead, he said something far more hurtful.

“Fine. I’m glad we could get it all out in the open and stop wasting our time with this bullshit.”

Sugizo snatched up his bag and left Heath’s apartment, slamming the door behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After more than two years, my problem child is finally finished! I started writing this in my hotel room in Chiba just after Lunatic Fest in June 2018. At the time there were very few HxS stories and I was craving a mutual pining story which did not exist for them at the time, so I thought, “Fuck it, I’ll do it myself!”
> 
> For perspective, that was around the same time I had started writing The Underneath 2 and including that one, I have finished six stories in the series, plus Four Letter Word, plus Life and Death and You in the time that it’s taken for me to finish this one story. In those 2+ years the story has dramatically changed, shifting almost two decades back in time, a number of title changes and huge swathes being rewritten from scratch at least once. It’s not my bestest piece of writing but I have at least gotten it to a point where I don’t hate it!
> 
> Most of the real-life events that occur are accurate to the date or at least pretty close, with a few exceptions to fit the overall story. Two of the biggest exceptions are that Heath actually lived in LA around the Art of Life era, and his dog comes into the picture probably around the Dope HEADz era. A word to the wise: writing long stories that rely heavily on real life events and dates is a MASSIVE PAIN IN THE ASS.


	2. Chapter 2

**May 1992**

_“This is a Yamanote line bound for Shinjuku and Ikebukuro. The next station is Ebisu. Please change here for…”_

At roughly 4pm it wasn’t quite peak hour yet but the train was getting crowded and Heath tucked his legs underneath his seat to make room for other passengers squeezing their way between other people to jump out of the train before the doors closed at Ebisu Station. The little old lady sitting next to him heaved herself up onto unsteady legs with the help of a cane and shuffled away, and she was almost knocked off her feet by someone practically leaping on board. Heath watched, amused, as the two strangers—one a white-haired geriatric, the other a young punk-looking guy about his own age with dark red hair down to his ass and clad head to toe in black—apologised to each other profusely, and a few other passengers helped the little old lady off the train and onto the relative safety of the platform.

The empty seat beside Heath was quickly occupied by said red-haired guy who caught Heath staring out of the corner of his eye. He stuck out from the rest of the train commuters—largely salarymen, tourists and high school students—in a distressed black top that showed plenty of skin, torn jeans and a pair of well-worn Dr Martens.

The redhead turned and peered at Heath from behind his sunglasses with a small smile. “I’m in a rock band,” he said by way of explanation.

“Oh,” Heath said, returning this with an embarrassed smile of his own. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to stare.”

“It’s all right. I’m used to it.” Long fingers adorned with silver rings and black-lacquered nails toyed with the frayed ends of his sleeves.

Heath looked down at his own faded jeans and Deep Purple t-shirt which looked very pedestrian by comparison. “What do you play?”

“Guitar,” said the redhead. “What do you do?”

“I’m actually a musician myself.”

“Really? What do you play?”

“Bass.”

“Nice,” the redhead said with an approving nod. “Are you in a band?”

“Ah, yes,” Heath said. He didn’t venture that he was actually in between bands. This stranger was pleasant enough but he was still a stranger and Heath was reluctant to reveal too much about himself when they would probably never cross paths again after this. But the redhead didn’t seem to notice Heath’s reticence.

“That’s a shame,” he was saying. “Some friends of mine are actually in need of a bassist.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. It doesn’t seem like there are a lot of bassists out there - not flashy enough, I guess. Everyone wants to be the lead guitarist or the lead singer with their face on all the album covers.”

Heath looked up as the next train announcement played over the PA. “Well, this is my stop.”

“Oh really?” The redhead craned his neck to peer out of the window behind their seats. “Well, I hope we’ll get to see each other play someday.”

Heath sketched a wave with a polite smile and threaded his way through the throng of people moving in and out of the station. He changed to a smaller local train line that was thankfully much less crowded and made his way home in the outskirts of Shimokitazawa.

His social circle largely revolved around old band members and others in the scene, namely the guys from Majestic Isabelle and Media Youth, and of course the very person who had invited him to audition for their own band. That had been awkward, for the offer had come shortly after he had joined Media Youth but, as Heath was beginning to learn, Matsumoto Hideto could be _very_ persuasive when he wanted to be. They’d met through a mutual friend when Heath had first moved to Tokyo in 1990 and the man was a force to be reckoned with, as maternal as he was wildly vivacious. Upon learning that Heath had recently moved to Tokyo from Amagasaki, hide made a point of showing him around town and taking the young bassist to his favourite watering holes, or they’d go back to hide’s apartment where they would listen to music for hours. Sometimes hide would become rowdy and aggressive when he was drunk, but even then he always made sure that Heath made his way home safely at the end of the night. They had kept in sporadic contact over the next couple of years, each occupied with his own work, until the phone rang in early May and hide surprised Heath by inviting him to play with X.

“Me?” Heath had blurted out.

“Yeah, buddy. You know that our bassist left recently, right?”

“Yes, but—”

“So Yoshiki was asking if we know anyone who can fill that position and I thought, hey, I know a guy!”

“But me?”

“Why not? You play bass, right?”

“Yes but…” Heath stalled. How could he describe it to hide? He had seen X play, he’d seen what Sawada Taiji could do, and the man had an amazing stage presence that Heath was sure he could never match. In terms of personality, they were as different as day and night. Where Taiji exuded a certain kind of bad boy confidence that was every fangirl’s fantasy, Heath leaned strongly towards the quiet side and more than a few times his old bandmates had pointed out his tendency to hide behind his hair. And there was the issue of availability - he had literally just joined Media Youth a month ago and it would be poor form to leave them in the lurch so quickly.

“Hey, look. Stop. Listen to me.” hide interrupted Heath’s semi-panicked internal monologue. “I thought of you because of who _you_ are. Nobody’s asking you to be Taiji, okay?”

It was as if hide had heard what he was thinking. “Um. Okay,” Heath said dubiously.

“Just come into the studio with us and see how you go. You don’t have to say ‘yes’ straight away.”

“But hide—!”

“What? Let’s meet for coffee and I’ll bring some tapes for you to listen to and you can learn some of the basslines. I’ll even help you go through the music if you need me to.”

“ _hide!_ ”

“Oh, that’s Yoshiki, I’d better go.”

“ _HIDE!_ ”

“I’ll see you tomorrow!” He hung up.

Heath sighed.

At least he was settling into his new neighbourhood nicely. Before moving to Shimokitazawa, he’d lived in a dingy one-bedroom apartment block near Asakusa and that neighbourhood could only be described as ‘bland’. The only good thing about it was that it was close to the heart of Tokyo. Everything was either walkable or a short train ride away but the surrounding area appeared to be under _constant_ construction. After a year and a half of this, he finally got fed up with the racket of heavy machinery all day and sometimes at night, and moved to his current two-bedroom apartment three months ago. While it was farther out from Tokyo, Shimokitazawa was quieter, he liked the off-beat vibe, and he even made a new addition to the household in the form of a puppy. He hadn’t really planned to get a pet and he certainly wasn’t a fan of these pet stores that kept their animals displayed in tiny enclosures, but he stopped to watch the long-haired dachshund puppy with the big brown eyes, huge floppy ears, tiny paws and that adorably awkward puppy gait. Then he bent down to her level and they had locked eyes through the glass and decided they needed each other. When Heath wasn’t working on music, he was with Qoo, rigorously teaching her good manners, taking her for walks to meet other dogs in the neighbourhood, or watching TV with the funny little creature curled up at his feet.

Something else that Heath enjoyed doing in Shimokitazawa was finding little music and record stores tucked away in tiny side streets. He had brought his own music collection and bass with him during the move from Amagasaki of course, but it was always worth trying what was out there, and it was in one of these little local music stores that Heath found himself at late one afternoon a couple of weeks later.

“May I help you?”

The staff member who had spoken was a tall guy in his early forties with closely-cropped hair, wire-framed glasses that looked oddly fragile against his solid build, and an Iron Maiden tattoo on his left arm. The name tag clipped to his Rush t-shirt read ‘Keisuke’.

“Oh. I’m just having a look, thank you,” Heath said politely.

“At bass guitars in particular? We’ve just gotten a new model in stock from Fernandes if you’re interested.”

Heath _was_ interested and he watched Keisuke taking a glossy black bass guitar down from the wall behind the front counter. The man had big hands but he handled the instrument delicately as he brought it down to the back of the store where Heath waited, plugging it into a nearby amp and ran nimble fingers along the strings in a short, pleasant bluesy riff.

“Nice,” Heath said, and Keisuke slipped the strap off his shoulder, handing the bass over with a slight bow and a modest smile. Heath hefted the instrument a little to get a feel for the weight and balance before sliding the strap over his own shoulder.

“Can you tell me about the specs?” he asked. He was testing Keisuke a little; he could play but did he know his stuff?

Keisuke did not disappoint; he knew about the construction of the guitar, features that Fernandes had improved upon from previous models, how it differed from or compared to other current and upcoming bass guitars from other manufacturers, which equipment he thought it paired best with. This was the kind of thing Heath loved about these little independent stores. They didn’t have the range or competitive pricing that bigger stores offered but the store owners and staff tended to be a lot more passionate and knowledgeable, and they always seemed to enjoy taking the time to chat with customers and let them try out various instruments without making them feel obligated to spend any money. That was the real kind of relationship that kept good customers coming back.

A buzzer at the front of the store went off and the softly-spoken Keisuke excused himself to attend to the new customer, leaving Heath to try out the bass guitar on his own. He could hear Keisuke talking to someone, just hearing without listening while his fingers danced over the fretboard and thick bass strings, not playing anything in particular, just noodling. His ears tuned into the music playing over the radio and he followed along with the bassline of some random pop song he didn’t recognise for a minute or so. Something tugged lightly at his hair; it had become caught in the guitar strap somehow, so he moved his head to try and free it but the tug came again, a little harder this time and he stopped playing to look over his shoulder.

“Hi.”

Heath blinked.

“I thought it might have been you.” It was the red-haired guy from the train the other week.

“Uh, hi,” Heath blurted out. “Fancy seeing you here.”

“That’s what I thought. What are the chances?” Redhead moved to stand in front of Heath and nodded at the shiny new bass in his hands. “Keep going. That was some nice playing.”

“Oh. Thanks.” Heath dipped his head self-consciously. It hadn’t been anything special or interesting that he’d been playing.

“Yasuhiro.” Redhead extended a hand and Heath took his hand and shook it firmly.

“Hiroshi.”

Yasuhiro offered him a friendly smile. “Say, Hiroshi, if you’re not busy right now, do you want to grab a quick drink?”

Heath started to say no but then he wavered. He could stand to make a few new friends in Tokyo, and what were the odds of the two of them finding each other again after a random encounter on a train? Not only that, but finding each other in a little place like _this_ as well.

“Okay. You’re on.”

***

“By the way.” Yasuhiro tapped the neck of his beer bottle against Heath’s. “I meant to ask the other day, what’s the name of the band you’re with? I realised it would be kind of… I don’t know, impossible? For us to see each other play if we don’t know which band we’re looking out for.”

Heath laughed and took a swig of his beer. “Good point.”

“Makes it a miracle that we ran into each other again, eh?”

“I guess so.”

“Come on, in a city as big as this? We should buy lottery tickets.” Yasuhiro tipped his head back and drained the dregs of his beer. “Luna Sea. That’s my band. We made our indies debut in ‘89. Heard of us?”

“Maybe. I’m not sure. I’ve been listening to so much stuff these past few years, it’s kind of hard to keep track of everyone.”

Yasuhiro shrugged. “That’s fair. What about you?”

Heath hesitated. “I’m actually sort of in between bands.

“Oh?”

“I recently joined a band called Media Youth but then a friend asked me to try playing for his band instead.”

“That sounds awesome. I think we’re on the same label as Media Youth; I didn’t realise they had a new guy. What’s this other band, then?”

“Well… maybe it’s dumb, but I’d rather not say.” Heath lowered his gaze bashfully. “Not that I’m superstitious or anything but I kind of…”

“Don’t want to jinx it?” Yasuhiro guessed.

“Something like that. Sorry.”

“That’s okay.”

“I’ll keep an eye out for Luna Sea though,” Heath promised. He glanced at his watch. “Ah shit, I have to go.”

“Already?” Yasuhiro’s face was a mixture of indignation and disappointment.

“I actually have plans with a friend. That same friend, actually.”

“Oh. Well.” The redhead looked around quickly and leaned over the bar counter, reaching for a pen and writing something down on a water-stained paper coaster. “Here’s my number. We should get together and jam and stuff, you know? It’d be fun.”

Heath took another coaster and jotted down his own phone number. “Sure thing.”

“Hey, good luck with that other band, by the way. I hope you get the gig you want!”

“Thanks.” Heath flashed him a grateful smile. “See you ‘round.”

Outside, Heath glanced at his watch again. He’d have to take a taxi, there was no way he’d make it there on time if he took the train. Trotting up the street, he stood on the corner and craned his neck until he was able to hail a taxi.

He spent the entire ride looking at his watch and drumming his fingers on his knees restlessly. Heath was punctual to a fault; he _hated_ being late, even if it was just for a casual drink. Whenever he could, he made a point of being at least ten minutes early for anything, just in case. It was a habit he’d developed at an early age; his older brother was the kind of person who always managed to be late for everything and it drove Heath nuts. His taxi driver had said it would take twenty, maybe twenty-five minutes to get there but time was passing alarmingly quickly.

“You like rock music?” The grey-haired taxi driver’s voice broke through his thoughts.

“Oh, um, yes,” Heath said quickly.

The taxi driver turned up the volume of the radio. “My son loves this band. Do you know X?”

Heath nodded again and began to relax. The radio was playing _Kurenai_ and all the music he’d spent the past few weeks learning and practising ran through his head, giving himself a very welcome distraction.

***

Heath opened his eyes and squinted in the bright morning light, lying there in a hungover daze for several very long seconds before looking around. He was not in his apartment, nor his own bed, and when he rolled over, there was clearly another body lying in bed with him.

“FUCK!”

“Shh,” the other person mumbled sleepily.

Heath broke out in a cold sweat and it wasn’t until he looked down and clutched at himself in a panic that he realised he was still wearing exactly what he’d been wearing yesterday. Okay. That was good. Just in case, he peeled the blanket back very gingerly and peeped underneath.

“Please don’t be naked, please don’t be naked, please don’t… ohhh thank fuck!”

The other person—hide, apparently—was still fully clothed as well. Imagine that, going drinking with a friend and accidentally shagging the night before an important audition. He didn’t even like hide that way and he had a feeling that it was mutual. Heath sank back onto the pillow and moaned loudly when his throbbing headache flared.

“Shh! Try’na sleep.” hide reached backwards and gave him a half-hearted slap, pulling the covers over his own head.

Heath tugged on the edge of the blanket but hide just grunted and clutched at them harder. Eventually Heath gave up and rolled over onto his other side and tried to go back to sleep, preferably forever.

An hour later he awoke to someone shaking his shoulder and whispering his name. He cracked his eyes open and panicked a second time until he recognised the face in front of him: it was only hide, but his leftover eye makeup was a mess and his hair was even worse.

“God,” Heath groaned. “You scared the shit outta me.”

“You scared the shit outta _me_ ,” hide said indignantly. “Do you know how long I’ve been trying to wake you up? I was going to call an ambulance!”

“I wouldn’t have a hangover if you’d just let me go home to get a good night’s sleep before… oh shit!”

“What?”

“What time is it?”

Heath grunted when hide climbed over him and kneed him in the ribs, and the guitarist groped around for the alarm clock on the nightstand. “9:52.”

“Fuck, we have to get to the studio!”

“Fuck!”

“ _Fuck!_ ”

What followed was an uncoordinated tangle of arms and legs and long hair and bedsheets and incoherent swearing as they both fought to scramble out of bed, and then they groggily fought over who should use the shower first.

“You go.”

“No, you go!”

“This is your apartment, you shower first.”

“No no no, you’re the guest, you should go first.”

Realising that this would achieve nothing except to delay them even more, Heath gave up and took the shower first, if only just to make hide shut up so that they could actually get somewhere. They got dressed in record time, rushing off to the studio to meet the rest of the band, both of them red-eyed and obviously hungover with a thick alcoholic vapour clinging to their clothes. His heart sank as soon as he set eyes on Yoshiki, drummer, pianist and bandleader. With his blush pink-painted lips pressed into a thin line, he was clearly not amused to see them in this state. Fuck. He’d blown it already.

“I’m very, very sorry—” Heath bowed so quickly and so low that the rush of blood to his head almost made him pass out.

“You’re late.”

“Yoshiki, listen.” hide rubbed his tired face with a fist. “It’s not his fault. I made him go drinking with me last night to help him relax.”

“Oh I’m sure,” Yoshiki said archly, raising one finely-manicured eyebrow.

“Where’s everybody else?”

“I sent them home. No point in making them wait any longer.”

“Seriously, Yoshiki. Give the kid a chance.”

“If he’s late for his first fucking time meeting the band then how can I fucking expect him to take this seriously?”

Heath wanted to sink into the floor and disappear but hide cast him a quick look and then gently took Yoshiki by the arm.

“ _Yoshiki_.” He led him out of the room, closing the door behind them and leaving Heath standing there alone, fidgeting, feeling embarrassed and confused. hide could convince someone to try out for a band or go drinking all night against their better judgment, but would that work on Yoshiki? The man looked like someone who expected to be obeyed, a ‘my way or the highway’ kind of guy. Now that he thought about it, that was probably the whole reason Taiji had left. He and Yoshiki might have butted heads one too many times and now Heath was lining up to be his replacement and he’d already blown it by going drinking and turning up an hour late and hungover. Not a great first impression. If he lost this gig before he’d even started it, it was his own fault.

The door opened and Heath studied hide and Yoshiki’s faces. The drummer looked stoic but hide was calm and then he caught Heath’s eye and winked. Relieved, Heath‘s knees almost gave way. So he had managed to convince Yoshiki to give him a second chance. hide sure had a way with people and Heath was glad to have him on his side.

“All right.” Yoshiki nodded at Heath’s guitar case. “I’ll call the other guys to come back. Let’s see what you can do.”


	3. Chapter 3

‘The other guys’—blond vocalist Toshi and long-haired rhythm guitarist Pata—arrived back at the studio half an hour later. Contrary to Yoshiki’s stiff demeanor, Toshi and Pata were both relaxed and friendly, just a couple of regular guys, making Heath feel even more guilty about keeping them waiting. Heath shook hands with each of them and he badly wanted to do well; he’d spent so much time and effort learning these songs and the last thing he wanted was to fuck up and waste everyone’s time. He was acutely aware of Yoshiki watching him with a critical eye as he set up his bass and took his position in the studio between Toshi and Pata. The man clearly had no time for amateurs. Across the room with his signature Mockingbird in hand, hide gave Heath an encouraging smile.

“Are we all ready?” Yoshiki asked curtly. “Let’s start with _Blue Blood_.”

It was nerve-racking at the best of times to be playing with a band that had already made quite a name for themselves and this was only made worse by Heath’s condition. Even after having choked down some painkillers before they left hide’s apartment, his head hurt, his mouth was dry, and he felt tired and lethargic and just plain terrible. He stole a glance at hide, who was playing like a fucking champ even though he couldn’t have been feeling much better. He was like that Jackie Chan movie, _Drunken Master_. Hell, even Pata was swigging from a bottle of Jack Daniel’s in between songs. How did they do that? Heath looked away again. There was zero point in comparing himself to somebody else and now he worried that he was trying _too_ hard to hit every fret and every string and every note, and if you worried about every single minute fucking detail you were going to get yourself into as much trouble as if you were not trying at all. He finally hit his stride by the time they were well into the second song, playing along to _Orgasm_ as though he’d been doing this for years, and Heath left the studio an hour and a half later with a beaming hide.

“I am so proud of you,” hide declared.

“Really?”

“Yeah! I think you’ve got the gig, man. Are you in?”

“What? I thought you were all, ‘You don’t have to say yes’ and now—”

“Hey, be honest.” hide stood in front of Heath and looked him straight in the eye. “How did it feel, jamming with the guys?”

Heath chewed on his lip. “Pretty good,” he admitted.

“I knew it! I could see it on your face the whole time. There’s a good vibe going on.”

“What about Yoshiki?”

“You’d know if Yoshiki didn’t like you. I told him how hard you worked for this and he could see it for himself today. You’ve got this!”

“I dunno…” Heath wasn’t convinced that his performance could have made up for that ghastly first impression.

“Okay, put it this way: some of those songs like _Blue Blood_ and _Kurenai_ are pretty damn hard. How many people can play bass like that while they’re hung the fuck over? I’m telling you, Yoshiki is not easy to impress.”

It was hard to believe, but something about the way hide spoke made Heath really believe that he was sincere. He smiled. “Let me think about it, okay?”

“What’s there to think about?”

“Just let me think about it. Give me two weeks.”

hide sighed and pointed a finger in his face. “Two weeks. Two weeks and I’m gonna call you, and you’re gonna say yes. Deal?”

Heath laughed. “That’s not exactly how that works, but okay.”

***

The two weeks were almost up and Heath was leaning strongly towards saying yes to hide. He hadn’t told any of his Media Youth bandmates about his jam session with X and had no idea how to broach the subject without insulting them.

“Hey guys, I know I’ve only joined recently and I think you’re all great, but I’ve been invited to join a bigger band. Seeya!”

Not a chance. And hell, there was more than a decent chance that he didn’t have the gig with X after all. Yoshiki could probably snap his fingers and find ten sober bassists if Heath wasn’t going to step up to the plate. As the two weeks slowly came to a close, Heath began to anticipate the call from hide to say sorry, thanks for working so hard but we gave the position to someone else. Better luck next time!

When the phone finally rang, he almost didn’t want to pick up.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Hiroshi. It’s me.”

Heath had been so preoccupied with what hide was going to say that it threw him for a loop to hear a different voice on the end of the line. “Hi. How are you?”

“Fine! I was just wondering if you’d be free for a coffee or something.”

***

“Yasuhiro! Over here!” Heath stood up from the table and waved him over.

“Hey, stranger.” Yasuhiro smiled as they sat down. “Long time no see.”

“Sorry. Been busy with audition stuff and all.”

“Oh, no, that’s okay. I was only joking. But since you brought it up, how did it go?”

There was a lull in their conversation as a waitress arrived with two glasses of water and brought out her notepad to take their orders.

“Black coffee, please,” Yasuhiro said.

“The same for me,” said Heath. “And a slice of chocolate cake.”

The waitress jotted this down, repeated their order back to them and disappeared to relay this to the kitchen staff.

“So, your audition?” Yasuhiro prompted.

Heath shrugged. “It went as well as it could have.”

Yasuhiro took a sip of his water and peered at Heath over the rim of the plastic cup. “How’s that?”

“Well,” Heath mused. “Remember how I said I was meeting a friend that day?”

“Yes…”

“Well he was the one who invited me to play with this band and he kind of took me drinking all night until we passed out.”

“Oh, shit. Did you miss it?”

“Almost. We showed up to the studio late and _wasted_.”

Yasuhiro laughed. “Shit. I have one of those friends, too. He’s awesome but the guy is totally crazy in the coconut.”

“He _is_ kind of crazy,” Heath agreed. “I think the most creative people are always a little bit weird. But he convinced the bandleader to give me a second chance.”

“Nice.”

“The actual audition itself was great. I didn’t make any major mistakes on the songs, and then we had a free jamming session that was a lot of fun.”

“Oh, isn’t it great when it just flows like that?”

“Exactly!”

“So what do you think your chances are?”

Heath shrugged. “I dunno. I actually asked them to give me some time to think about it, but the more I think about that, maybe I should have just said yes. I’m worried that they think I don’t want the part and have found someone else already.”

Yasuhiro made a noncommittal noise and the conversation stalled again when the waitress returned, carefully setting the coffees and cake on the table and leaving the bill face-down.

Heath stirred a spoonful of sugar into his coffee and added a dash of milk. “And how are things on your end?”

“Oh, fine.”

Watching his face, Heath could tell that he was not fine. “Is something wrong? Want to talk about it?”

Yasuhiro looked down into his coffee, stirring it in slow circles. “Mm. Just feeling a bit shitty. I um, kind of had a fight with my boyfriend and just wanted to get out of my head for a while.”

“Oh. I’m sorry. Was it serious?”

Yasuhiro shook his head. “We both have really passionate personalities. It means the sex is great but sometimes we clash as well.”

Heath blinked at this piece of private information that he hadn’t asked about. Clearly Yasuhiro was not the shy type. Deciding to ignore that little detail about their sex life, Heath said, “Why don’t you do something nice for him?”

“Like what?”

“How about a bunch of roses?”

“He doesn’t like that kind of mushy, girly stuff.”

“Me neither,” Heath admitted. “It was the first thing that popped into my head but I guess it only works in those crappy rom coms.”

Yasuhiro grunted noncommittally.

“What if you cooked a nice meal for him?”

“Oh god, no. I’m trying to cheer him up, not poison him.”

Heath chuckled. “Okay then, what about some really nice chocolates? Everyone likes chocolate.” As if to emphasise the point, Heath dug his spoon into his chocolate cake.

“Hmm. Maybe.”

“Or just show him some affection and let him know that you care about him.”

“I guess so.” Pouting a little, Yasuhiro looked at Heath enviously. “Man. Your girlfriend must be the luckiest girl alive.”

“Nah.” Heath shook his head. “I don't have a girlfriend.”

“Oh. Boyfriend?”

“Nope.”

Yasuhiro gave him a hard stare. “Impossible. How is someone like _you_ single? You’re… well, look at you. You’re tall, hot, you’re super-nice, you’re in a band. How are girls not throwing themselves at you?”

Heath stalled for a second with his spoon in his mouth. Did Yasuhiro just call him ‘hot’? “Um. I had a girlfriend. Back in Amagasaki. But then I wanted to move to Tokyo and she didn’t. Neither of us wanted a long-distance relationship, so…” He ended this with a shrug.

“Damn. That sucks.” The redhead shook his head. “But I like the chocolates idea. Maybe he’ll let me eat them off him…”

“Whoa, stop right there,” Heath said hastily. “That’s between you and him.”

Yasuhiro laughed. “Sorry. Tell you what, as a _mea culpa_ and a thank you, this is on me.”

Before Heath could object, his new friend had already snatched up the bill and taken it to the counter. When he thanked Yasuhiro, the man said, “Thank _you_ for putting up with me. You’re a real gentleman.”

Heath smiled. “You’re very welcome. And I don’t have to put up with you - you’re one of the few friends I have outside of the bands I’ve been in. It’s refreshing.”

“I absolutely get what you mean,” Yasuhiro said, nodding. ”That was kind of why I called you. I just felt like I needed to see someone who was… separate from all of that, you know?”

“Oh, is your boyfriend in the band too?”

“Yeah, Ryu’s our vocalist.”

Briefly Heath wondered if that might be messy, dating one of your bandmates. There was always that unwritten rule about not going out with people you work with… he quickly discarded the thought. It wasn’t his business.

“So, how long have you been playing the guitar?” Heath asked, changing the subject to something more pleasant.

“Oh years, but I actually started with the violin. Back when I was three. My parents’ idea.”

Heath nodded. It was not uncommon for rock and metal musicians to have roots in classical music. Some of the best metal vocalists had even had opera training to strengthen their voices and teach them how to sing without damaging their vocal cords. Heath himself had had a brief stint at being the vocalist and it was surprising how physically demanding singing could be.

“And you?” Yasuhiro prompted.

“Me? Let’s see… My mother took my brother and me to see Van Halen when I was in… fourth grade? After that, I had my heart set on being a musician…”

  
  


It had been a nice afternoon jaunt and Heath was feeling cheerful and relaxed as he unlocked his front door later that afternoon. He had just taken off his shoes when the phone rang and hurried to pick it up.

“Hello, this is Morie.”

“Heath! I’ve been calling and calling you!” It was hide.

“Oh shit, sorry! I went out for lunch with a friend.”

“Well your two weeks is up and Yoshiki definitely wants you to join X. So, what do you say?”

Heath removed the phone receiver from his ear and stared at it, confused, as though it might be a prank call or he’d heard wrong.

“Hello? Are you there?” came hide’s tinny, distorted voice.

“Um, yes,” Heath blurted out. “Are you serious? Yoshiki actually said that?”

“What the hell are you talking about? Of course I’m serious. He said, and I quote, ‘Call that Heath boy, I want him as our new bassist.’”

“But…” Heath stammered. “What about all the other bassists you auditioned?”

“We didn’t audition anyone else.”

“Why not?”

“What’s the point? You played great, you fit in with the band visually, we all liked you and Yoshiki wants you in. So? You’re saying yes, right?”

Heath could feel an elated smile creeping up on his face and a nervous kind of energy simmering inside. “Yes.”

***

_What the hell kind of band have I agreed to join?_

Heath did expect the band to celebrate their new bassist, but not quite in the way that hide wanted to celebrate. For some reason, the man was hell-bent on driving out to a farm in the countryside to see a bunch of cows. Pata and Yoshiki voted to go drinking because that was what normal people did, and Toshi had no opinion except that they were all stupid and crazy, but they all found it difficult to say no to hide’s ineffable enthusiasm. Heath just laughed and went along with it but an hour and a half into the car ride, sitting in the back with Toshi jammed in the middle (because he was the shortest), he found himself wondering just what he’d gotten himself into. And so they found themselves at a dairy farm, leaning against the fence, watching a herd of black and white cows grazing peacefully. When Pata laughed at them for getting ‘all misty-eyed over a bunch of hamburgers’, hide hissed at him for hurting the cows’ feelings and Toshi interjected to say that dairy cows were raised for milk and not meat, at which point it started to rain. Yoshiki complained that it would ruin his hair, so they ran for cover and found a sheltered spot to set up a barbecue lunch with a liberal application of beer to almost everybody.

“Where the hell are we going now?” Pata called from the back seat.

“I read about this great aquarium that’s about an hour that way…” hide pointed at some distant hills.

Toshi raised his hand. “Question. Have we forgotten that we’re here for Heath? Why don’t we ask him what he wants to do?”

With the spotlight on him, Heath just smiled bashfully. “No, I don’t mind. The aquarium sounds nice, actually.”

“See?” hide said smugly, buckling himself into the driver’s seat.

The roads winding up into the mountains were narrow, and the addition of light rains had made it slippery and precarious. Gazing out the window, Heath looked up at the grey clouds and the green landscape below, cloaked in mist. It was sort of like being thrown back in time by several centuries, well before the industrial age, and it looked so peaceful and—

“PULL OVER!”

Everybody jumped at the sound of the normally placid Pata roaring at hide, and their lead guitarist meekly pulled over in an emergency lane and switched the hazard lights on.

“Pata—”

“Get out, you’re fired.”

“What?!”

“I’m firing you as the driver. Get out.” Pata gave Toshi a little push. “You drive.”

“But why?” hide whined.

“You’re drunk.”

“I am not—”

“Just get out.”

Sullenly, hide unbuckled his seatbelt and they all shuffled around to let Toshi out of the back seat and into the driver’s seat.

“Why’re you being so mean about my driving, Pata?” hide complained. “I’m not even that drunk. Yoshiki, tell him!”

“You can’t even stay in your lane for ten seconds!”

“That’s not true!”

Yoshiki turned around in the passenger seat. “You uh, kind of _did_ clip the double white lines a few times.”

Eyes wide, hide’s mouth dropped open in a comical expression of shock and disappointment as though the drummer had committed some particularly cruel act of betrayal, and he folded his arms across his chest, stuck out his lower lip and sulked. “Why does Toshi get to drive, then?”

“Because he’s the only one with a blood alcohol content low enough to legally drive!”

“Because he’s a lightweight!”

These lines were delivered in unison by Pata and Yoshiki, and the two pointed at each other and laughed but Toshi just snorted at their jibes. “Heath, you’re too tall! I can’t see a damn thing in my mirror.”

“Sorry.” Sandwiched between Pata and hide in the back, Heath grinned and scrunched down in his seat.

What the hell kind of band had he joined, indeed. The trip would have looked like a complete disaster to any outsider, but Heath wouldn’t have given it up for the world. You had hide, master guitarist and a strange combination of childlike petulance and warm, gentle maturity. Yoshiki, the headstrong bandleader who could only be mollified by someone like hide. Toshi tended to be overshadowed by Yoshiki but he shone when he sang, and the vocalist had quickly assumed a sort of ‘big brother’ role over their young bassist. Pata was as mellow as hide was exuberant, and every bit as skilled with a guitar. In the short time that he had known the band, Heath had already learned that when Pata said something, he meant it. That was why hide had given in so easily and pulled the car over when Pata shouted at him.

“What a day, huh?” Pata remarked. “I’m sorry you didn’t get to do anything you wanted to do. When hide gets an idea in his head…”

But Heath just laughed. “No, I honestly had a lot of fun.”

“Really?” Pata asked sceptically. “Going to a farm to see some cows? Driving an hour up the mountain to see an aquarium that wasn’t even open?”

“Okay, it would have been better if we could actually go _inside_ the aquarium,” Heath conceded. “I don’t know. I just liked spending time with all of you and getting to know you all. I think that’s important in a band.”

“True.”

The two fell silent for a while, just listening to the distant roar of the sea far beneath them, watching the trees sway in the wind and the foamy waves rushing up the shore, retreating back out to sea and creeping back in again. Now that the rain had stopped and rays of sunlight were starting to break through the heavy clouds, the landscape looked like a watercolour painting in washed out greys and blues and greens. Behind them, hide was still moaning at Yoshiki about Pata being mean to him. Toshi, their designated driver, had taken this break as an opportunity to have a nap before they’d make their way back down the mountain and drive them home.

“You know,” Pata said at length. “You’ve got some big shoes to fill.”

Heath nodded. He knew that aside from being an excellent songwriter and bassist, Taiji had been well-loved amongst X’s fanbase and his departure had left many fans disappointed.

Pata went on. “But I think you can do it. You’ll need to work hard and be confident, don’t let the fans get to you. There will always be a few who can’t let go but that’s on them, not you. This is a rock band; if you want a popularity contest, I’m sure Yoshiki knows someone who can put you in touch with Johnny Kitagawa.”

Heath chuckled at this. The idea of any of them joining a Johnny’s boy band was definitely worthy of a few giggles.

“You’ve got what it takes, kiddo. I know you do.”

hide was one thing, but he didn’t think that Pata was the type to mince his words or tell white lies just for the sake of being nice. Heath smiled. “Thank you. It really means a lot.”

Pata took a long drag of his cigarette, flicked the ash off and gave Heath a quick smile. “Don’t mention it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting chapters 2 and 3 because honestly I have kind of a love-hate relationship with these first few early chapters so please bear with me!
> 
> I have so, so, _so_ much respect for people who are able to set up all of these amazing slow burn stories that I've seen around. The amount of careful planning and plotting that goes into it is an incredible feat and I don't know how they do it.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW-ish?

**October 1992**

“And the new member of X: Heath!”

They’d just wrapped up the ‘92 Extasy Summit at Osaka-jo Hall and 24-year old Heath’s mind was whirling. For the past five months, when he wasn’t in the studio practising with the rest of the band, he was at home practising on his own or diligently studying the sheet music that Yoshiki had given him, impressed with the music that his predecessor had written. Given his background in classical music, you’d expect Yoshiki to be a skilled composer but as far as Heath knew, Taiji had had no formal schooling in music. He was entirely self-taught. To have learned and mastered this level of musical theory and technique on his own was a real display of talent.

Then Yoshiki had planned a press conference in August to officially announce Heath as their new bassist, with the 1992 Extasy Summit to follow in October, and the way he said this to Heath reminded him of his brother. Whenever he had tagged along to parties with his older brother, Heath would always be given a certain warning: don’t embarrass me in front of my friends.

“Here we have Zi:Kill: Seiichi, Tusk, Ken and Eby.” hide introduced them each in turn and they smiled politely beneath their heavy makeup, bowing and murmuring ‘Welcome’ and ‘Nice to meet you’. “This is Heath, our new bassist. Please make him feel welcome!”

hide had made a point of taking Heath under his wing and parading him around the arena like a proud parent. It was sort of embarrassing; the way hide introduced him to everybody would make anybody feel self-conscious. He wasn’t any celebrity. He was just the new kid.

“I suppose we don’t need formal introductions here,” hide said, for the next group they came across were Heath’s old band members, Media Youth.

“What makes his band better than ours, eh?” said Kiyoshi, guitarist and bandleader, giving Heath a little punch in the arm, but he was only joshing.

Bumping into his old bandmates had been a little bit awkward, but the real record scratch moment was still to come. hide introduced him to Tokyo Yankees, Gilles De Rais, Deep, and then—

“Ah, here we go,” hide announced as they approached a group of five all dressed in white. “These fuckers are like my kid brothers. I’d like you to meet Inoran, J, Sugizo, Shinya and Ryuichi. Guys, meet Heath, our new bassist. Heath, meet Luna Sea.”

Luna Sea? Heath looked at each of them in turn, and the one called Sugizo was looking straight back at him with the same quizzical expression on his face. Wasn’t this the band that Yasuhiro mentioned?

“You’re—”

“Aren’t you—?”

“Hiroshi?”

They were all in full makeup and costume but the face and red hair was unmistakably Yasuhiro, and Yasuhiro apparently recognised him, too.

hide glanced between the two of them, as puzzled as the rest of the band. “Do you two know each other?”

“Sort of,” Yasuhiro—Sugizo—said with a funny little smile. “We met randomly on a train…”

“…and then in a guitar shop…”

“…and we’ve hung out a couple of times,” Sugizo finished. “So _this_ was the band you were trying out for! I wish you’d told me.”

All of this had Heath feeling dazed until he saw Pata hurrying up to tug on hide’s sleeve.

“Yoshiki’s looking for you.”

“Ah, what does he want now…” hide turned to leave, and then stopped. “Heath, I’ll come find you before it’s time to go on stage. You can hang out with these guys for now. Look after this guy, okay? We need him!”

hide and Pata disappeared down the corridor and Luna Sea’s tall blond bassist, J stepped forward and extended a hand. “Congratulations on joining X. You’re very lucky.”

“Thank you,” Heath said with a shy smile, shaking his hand. “I’m doing my best not to disappoint everyone.”

J shook his head. “No way. hide-nii wouldn’t have picked you if you weren’t the one.”

‘hide-nii’? Heath was struck by the warmth and genuine admiration in J’s voice. Now he understood what hide had meant when he called them his ‘brothers’.

Sugizo shouldered his way to the front, grabbing Heath in an enthusiastic hug. “Guess I should be calling you Heath now. I can’t believe you kept it a secret this whole time - it’s X for crying out loud! They were the friends that I mentioned to you, who were looking for a new bassist!”

“Are you sure you haven’t been stalking the poor guy, Sugizo?” Shinya chortled. He gave Heath’s hand a firm shake. “Shinya, drums.”

Next was the dark-haired rhythm guitarist Inoran, and then: “Ryuichi, vocals.”

“It’s an honour to meet all of you,” Heath said, bowing politely. So this was the boyfriend. By the looks of things, he and Sugizo had kissed and made up. That was good.

Rock and metal musicians always have a reputation for being perpetually angry and aggressive, but all of the rockers that Heath had ever met were lovely and friendly. He had dozens of people coming up to congratulate him on his debut as X’s new bassist, and what a way to debut. He was nervous as hell and drinks kept being shoved in his face and he was too drunk, and drunk Heath shed his usual shyness in favour of having way too much fun. Everyone was dressed to the nines in their best stage outfits: platform boots, lace, organza, tonnes of makeup and hair spray, and lots and lots of leather and vinyl and pointy metal studs, and Heath quickly learned the rock band life tended to revolve around three things: recording, touring, and big parties, and there’s no party like a party full of liquored up rock stars. Whenever hide wasn’t with him, Sugizo was quick to take his place and delighted in repeating the story of their chance encounters to anybody who would listen.

“So then I walked into this random-ass guitar shop in Shimokita, right? And I’m just having a look around and there’s someone in there playing a really nice bass lick so I went to see who it was. Turns out it was this guy!” The guitarist gave Heath a little shake and the circle of people around them laughed.

“And you didn’t know he was next in line as X’s bassist?” Tusk called out.

“Absolutely no idea!”

“And he is _killing_ it,” hide announced proudly. “Anyone who has a problem with him can take it up with me!”

“I’m gonna get another drink.” Sugizo tipped his empty beer bottle upside down as if to prove it. “You guys want something while I’m there?”

They shook their heads, so Sugizo elbowed his way through the crowd until he reached the bar, patiently waiting his turn.

“You’re having a good time tonight.”

Sugizo looked over his shoulder and gave Ryuichi an exhilarated smile. “What? It’s a good party.”

“Well you’re sure spending a lot of time with that Heath,” Ryuichi remarked.

“Oh, so what?” Sugizo said with a casual shrug. “He’s a friend and he’s joined X. I’m happy for him.”

“Really? Is that all there is to it?”

Sugizo raised an eyebrow, his enthusiasm waning with the vocalist’s apparent displeasure. “Come on. Don’t tell me you’re jealous.”

“What, of you being all over X’s hot young bassist?”

Sugizo sighed and put an arm around Ryuichi‘s shoulders, pulling him close. “Is he hot? I hadn’t noticed.”

“Get off it, Sugizo,” Ryuichi said with a frown, pushing him away. “Even I noticed that he’s pretty.”

  
  


“Just one more!”

“No, stop!” Heath laughed. “I’ve had enough for tonight!”

“One more won’t hurt!” hide insisted.

Heath rolled his eyes. “No way, man. I’m not falling for that again - remember what happened last time?”

“I remember exactly what happened last time: you impressed Yoshiki by playing bass with a hangover like a fucking legend!”

The man was incorrigible but Heath was determined not to get black-out drunk like last time and, laughing, managed to escape from hide by yelling that he needed to pee. It was mostly an excuse and a weak one at that, but by the time Heath had found the restrooms, the need to pee hit him like a speeding truck.

He hurried down the dark corridor, trailing the fingertips of one hand lightly along the wall. The floorboards had a kind of springy quality to them, creaking and groaning underfoot from decades of wear and heat and moisture, with a slightly sticky sheen not from varnish or floor polish, but from a permanent coating of alcoholic spills from inebriated customers. He was about to push open the men’s room door when he heard raised voices inside.

The combined noise of heavy music blaring over the speakers and the monotonous hum from the crowd itself meant that Heath couldn’t quite hear what was being said behind the door, but it was clear that this was not a pleasant conversation. Standing off to the side, unsure of what to do, he caught a muted word here, a muffled phrase there, and there was something about being jealous and—

“You’re _always_ like this!”

Sobriety hit Heath like a slap in the face the second the door flew open, and he cringed and sucked in his breath, pressing himself as flat up against the wall as he could, trying to make himself invisible in case he was caught eavesdropping like a creep. He needn’t have worried. The first guy strode briskly back up the corridor without a backwards glance, and then the door swung open again and the second person emerged, and Heath froze.

“Ryuichi!” Sugizo snapped.

Ahead of him, Ryuichi only walked faster and raised one hand to give him a one-fingered salute. Gulping, Heath waited for them to reach the end of the corridor before he gingerly pushed open the men’s room door and slipped inside, unseen and unheard.

Compared to what it was outside, it was blissfully quiet inside the men’s room while he relieved himself. You could still hear the pounding music but the walls and doors had reduced it to a muffled _thud-thud-thud_ of the bass notes and little else, and Heath sat on the toilet for a few minutes longer, resting his tired feet and rolling his neck from side to side with a long yawn that made his jaw ache and his eyes water. Damn, now that he was sitting down, he felt _tired_ and he wanted nothing more than to get out of these tight leather pants and into bed. He pushed his sleeve up to look at his watch. 2:38am. No wonder he was tired.

He thought about the way Ryuichi had stormed out of the men’s room, clearly incensed with an equally angry Sugizo stomping after him and barking his name, and Heath was struck with a strong feeling of secondhand guilt. It felt wrong to see a couple fighting like that, whether it was accidental or not. He hadn’t heard enough of what was said to piece anything together, not that he really wanted to, but words like ‘jealous’ combined with ‘you’re always like this’ was unlikely to indicate good news.

The bathroom door banged open; Ryuichi and Sugizo back for round two of their screaming match? A set of footsteps hurried into the neighbouring cubicle and Heath wrinkled his nose at the unmistakable sound of somebody puking their guts out. So much for having a little quiet time to himself. He flushed and washed his hands, trying to listen to the sound of rushing water in the sink instead of the guttural heaving and wet splatter of vomit gushing into the toilet by whichever unfortunate soul had exceeded their alcoholic input, glad that he’d made his own way here instead of getting a lift from someone else. Would Yoshiki be offended if he left for the night, he wondered. He might have to avoid hide altogether on his way out or he’d never get home. It was impossible not to like hide, but he didn’t like him enough to want to wake up in his bed again with another killer hangover. He figured Yoshiki might be more sensible and reasonable. With this on his mind, he dried his hands on a paper towel and returned to the party.

“Oh, there you are!” Toshi seized his arm. “I’ve been looking all over for you!”

“Did hide tell you to find me?” Heath asked warily.

“What? No, he’s probably face-down on a table somewhere,” Toshi said carelessly, waving a hand. “Listen, did you drive yourself here or did you come with somebody else?”

“I caught a taxi. Do you need a lift home?”

“Oh thank _god_.” Toshi’s whole body seemed to sag with relief. “Yes, _please_. I came here in Yoshiki’s car but now he’s too drunk to drive and he doesn’t want to leave and I’m fucking dying.”

Heath laughed. “Sure. I was kind of hoping to sneak off, myself.”

“Perfect! You're the best. I knew I could count on you.”

They made the rounds saying their goodbyes to anybody who was still sober enough to recognise them, got roped into a long conversation with the guys from Tokyo Yankees, one of whom grabbed Toshi in a playful headlock while the rest of them just laughed. They eventually found Yoshiki but he was so drunk that it took them several tries, speaking very slowly, for him to understand them.

“Okay but be careful, Toshi,” the drummer slurred. “Don’t crash my car.”

“We’re taking a taxi,” Toshi explained very patiently.

“Yeah but don’t crash my Ferrari.”

“You didn’t drive your Ferrari, Yoshiki.”

“I know.”

“Forget it, leave him. He's done for.” Toshi sighed and took Heath by the arm.

They had almost reached the front door when they were accosted by J, Shinya and Inoran, all three of them incredulous that Heath and Toshi were leaving ‘this early’.

“Yep, we’ve already said bye to everyone,” Toshi looked around. “Where’s Ryu and Sugizo? Might as well say goodbye to them, too.”

Toshi didn’t notice the look that was shared between the three of them, but Heath did.

Inoran shrugged and took a drag of his cigarette. “Dunno. We haven’t seen them in a little while.”

“Oh. Damn. Well if you see them, tell them we said bye, okay?”

“Will do!” Inoran waved.

Trailing behind Toshi, the last thing Heath heard was J saying, “I think they were fighting again.”

  
  


“God damn, I am exhausted.” Toshi stretched his arms up to the sky with a wide yawn. “Thanks again for sharing a cab with me. I know it’s a little out of your way.”

“No, don’t mention it. I’m happy to.”

They both stopped and exchanged a glance when they heard voices and quick peek around the corner into a small alley saw two figures clad in white, murmuring sweet nothings to each other, giggling, low purrs of pleasure: Sugizo had Ryuichi pressed up against the brick wall, kissing him roughly, the vocalist’s hands tangled in Sugizo’s long red hair, not a shred of space between their bodies. Ryuichi broke off the kiss and threw his head back with a breathless moan, Sugizo’s dark lipstick smeared all over his lips and the guitarist moved in to kiss his neck, and the way Ryuichi moved his hips made it apparent that they were doing more than just kissing. Sugizo had his hand down his lover’s trousers, making Ryuichi buck his hips into his touch, moaning and gasping lewdly, Sugizo whispering things that only Ryuichi could hear, the two of them completely unaware that they were being watched, having only eyes for each other. Embarrassed, Heath tugged on the sleeve of an open-mouthed Toshi, who nodded, and they crept away.

They were silent as they got into the taxi but as soon as the car doors slammed shut, Toshi cleared his throat. “Well. That was extremely fucking awkward. Welcome to rock ‘n’ roll.”

“Are they always like that? I mean, I heard them fighting earlier. It looked pretty bad, and then…” Heath trailed off and gestured with his hand at the steamy scene that they had just witnessed back there.

“Yeah.” Toshi sank down in his seat a little lower and he rubbed his face tiredly. “Those two… to be honest they’re all right most of the time but the extremes can be… well, extreme. As you saw.”

Heath nodded and the pair fell quiet again. Heath yawned and then Toshi yawned and they laughed, and at length Toshi asked, “So how do you feel after the whole Extasy Summit?”

“I feel good.” Heath paused. “Tired. Exhausted.”

Toshi laughed.

“It was great to meet everyone properly. I’m still trying to remember everyone’s names, though.”

“That problem never goes away,” Toshi said. “You’ll go from being the new kid trying to learn the names of all the old hands, to the old fart trying to remember the names of all these new bands springing up all over the place. Everybody wants a slice of what we’ve got. This life is the best.”

***

Sugizo’s kisses are sweet and dirty at the same time and he can barely keep up with him, he just can’t get enough of those kisses and he can’t get enough of _him_ , and he fists his hands in his long red hair to try and pull him closer. Sugizo just smiles that wicked smile of his and presses him harder against the wall and grinds his hips against him and he fucking _keens_ , and it produces the desired result for Sugizo’s hands begin to make their way down his body, stopping momentarily to tease his nipples while that mouth keeps working at his neck, kissing along his jawline and teeth grazing over his ear, light fingertips trailing over his skin and down his stomach, dipping just past the invisible line where a person’s touch goes from intimate to sexual and he can feel himself shivering from that featherlight touch, a combination of nervousness and anticipation and it feels incredible for Sugizo to want him like this, cool fingers closing around him, warm lips moving against his in filthy kisses, a warm coil of pleasure in his groin growing hotter and tighter while that hand slowly worked him closer and closer to a strong shockwave of pleasure that made Heath’s eyes snap open and for half a second he lay there in a state of blurry confusion until he realised what was happening: he was having a wet dream. He squeezed his eyes shut again, clenched his teeth and moaned softly into his pillow, his body tensed up, rutting himself into his hand to enjoy that sweet friction while his cock strained and relaxed, strained and relaxed, producing pulse after pulse until he was spent and he lay in bed face-down, breathing hard, his legs weak and his whole body humming and quivering from the intensity of his orgasm. Once that post-orgasm high wore off, though, he was left with a sort of hollow feeling to have woken up alone with his hand covered in thick, musky white fluid.

Cursing softly to himself, he got up on wobbly legs and stripped the sheets off the bed before the mess could soak through, shivering in the December chill that always managed to crawl inside after he'd turned the heating off before bed. He shoved them in the wash with his boxers. Something cold and moist touched his ankle; Qoo was looking up at him with those big brown eyes of hers, wondering what all the commotion was all about.

He sighed. “Don’t ask.”

Qoo sniffed at his feet and wandered off with a slow wave of her tail, the brass tags on her collar jingling as she went. He could hear her lapping at her water bowl in the kitchen.

When was the last time he’d had a wet dream like that? Not since he was a teenager with raging hormones, growing up tall and skinny as a weed, as his mother used to say. Like any teenage boy, he’d hang out with his school mates, buying softcore porn magazines off the older students at school for a couple of hundred yen and huddling together at the back of the gym to look at pictures of topless women, wolf-whistling at girls in their short summer skirts, or even experimenting with each other as hormone-addled boys who were a little too eager to get any action they could, locked in their bedrooms, tentatively kissing and fondling one another and getting each other off while their parents weren’t home.

Where had it even come from? Yes, Sugizo was attractive, but so were a lot of other guys that he had never even thought about, let alone dreamed about sexually. He barely even knew the guy. They’d talked a few times over coffee but that was it. Besides, it wasn’t right. Sugizo had a boyfriend already and it wasn’t right for him to be having these lewd thoughts about him, even as he washed the cum off his stomach and thighs. The more he tried _not_ to think about it, the more he pictured Sugizo kissing and touching Ryuichi that night back in October, and the more he began to think about Sugizo doing the same to him.

Since the sun was already starting to rise, he brushed his teeth and started getting ready for the day. Out of habit, he tore off a small corner of his toast and dropped it into the little dachshund’s food bowl with some tinned dog food. Qoo wagged her tail and ate noisily, nudging her bowl across the floor as she went. Bread was her favourite treat. He scratched her ears absently and she looked up at him with those warm eyes full of adoration before turning her attention back to her breakfast.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW

**December 1992**

“What should I wear tonight?”

Pata shrugged and leaned over the end of the sofa to peer through the doorway of hide’s bedroom. “I dunno. It’s <i>your</i> birthday.”

hide had about twenty-three different items of clothing strewn all over the end of his bed and the floor. Most of it was in garish colours and bold patterns that would never have gone together, and a lot of the colours clashed badly, but hide was the only person who could manage to make it work.

“What do you think about this?”

Heath and Pata looked up. hide was holding a floor-length, long-sleeved dress in orange and pink paisley.

“No,” Pata said instantly.

“ _Yes_.” hide began stripping down to his underwear to get dressed. “This is going to be the biggest and best party ever! I gotta make the most of it before I hit the big 3-0 next year!”

“Who have you invited?” Heath asked.

hide poked his head out of the doorway with his brightly-coloured dress bunched up around his neck. “I dunno, you know plenty of people, right? I mean, all of us guys will be there…” He rattled off a bunch of names, some of which Heath knew and some that he didn’t. “…Saver Tiger, Luna Sea, oh and there’s this new band that Yoshiki’s interested in called GLAY. They’re from Hokkaido. I’ll introduce you to them at the party.”

“Why? Looking for someone in particular?” Pata asked.

“No. Just wondering.” With the way that Pata was looking at him, Heath was worried that he’d seen straight through this little white lie but before the guitarist could address the matter any further, they heard a shout from hide.

“Pata! Are you going to get dressed or what?”

Pata looked down at himself. “I am dressed.”

“You aren’t seriously going in _that_.”

“What’s wrong with jeans and a leather jacket?”

hide put his hands on his hips. “You wear that every day, you can’t go to my party like that!”

Pata absolutely did go to hide’s party in jeans and a leather jacket and when hide ribbed him for it, he just laughed it off. Heath grinned. Pata was nothing if not unabashedly Pata and nobody could convince him to be anything otherwise. The man was content to keep to himself, with Jack Daniels on one side and Heath on the other.

Only four-fifths of Luna Sea had actually turned up and it would be lying to say that Heath wasn’t disappointed. He did his best not to show it and greeted Ryuichi, Inoran, Shinya and J warmly, too shy to ask about whether Sugizo would show up tonight. It was enough of a struggle trying to figure out whether he was actually attracted to him or if it was just his shitty-ass brain playing a dumb prank on him; in the meantime he didn’t need other people trying to connect the dots for him, least of all Sugizo’s own boyfriend. He still tried his best to enjoy the party and he had a pretty interesting conversation with a guy named Issay. And then his heart jumped when he heard that name.

“Sugizo! You finally made it! You’re just in time for cake.”

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world, hide.”

Nobody likes having people sing ‘Happy Birthday’ at them; most people just sort of stand there, frozen in horror with a fake smile pasted on, thinking that they’d rather flush their own head in the toilet than have to suffer this kind of public humiliation. Conversely, hide loved it, cheerfully clapping along to the drunken rendition of the tired, kitschy old tune. For a pack of musicians, it was delivered surprisingly out of tune and poorly-timed. All eyes were on the man of the hour except for Heath’s. He kept his gaze on Sugizo, standing there clear across the room next to Ryuichi, watching those dark red lips moving while he spoke to some tall guy named Takuro that Yoshiki had introduced him to earlier in the evening, just talking and laughing, the dark eyes with long lashes lined with even darker makeup, dark eyes that roamed about the room. He smiled when someone started handing out slices of birthday cake, black forest on little white paper plates, and the second that he picked up a cherry, that wandering gaze met Heath’s, and Sugizo smiled at him with the ripe, round fruit pressed to those equally ripe, cherry red lips.

They hadn’t spoken or seen each other since the Extasy Summit; Heath had been far too caught up in band rehearsals and now that Sugizo was here, Heath wasn’t sure that he knew what to say. Pata wasn’t even here to act as a buffer, having disappeared somewhere to actually be social for once, and the feeling was something akin to a mild panic as he watched Sugizo politely excuse himself and pick his way across the floor.

“Heath! I’ve been looking for you.”

Heath gulped a little. “Really?”

Sugizo smiled. “Sure! Have you been well?”

_Yep. Funny story: I had a really dirty dream about you._

“Uh, yeah. You?” Heath said, taking a sip of his beer to hide his embarrassment. Why was this so awkward? It wasn’t like they hadn’t spoken before. Just suck it up and have a normal conversation like a normal person and stop thinking about him using those lips to—

“Can’t complain,” came the reply. “I love all of this. You know, seeing all of our friends, crazy parties, bottomless drinks. Oh shit—” Sugizo suddenly laughed and took Heath by the shoulders, oblivious to his discomfort. “Look at hide! He is having the best time.”

Indeed, hide was in the middle of the room with a crowd gathered around him in a loose circle while he danced, barely keeping time with the pounding music, and then he grabbed Kiyoshi’s wrist and dragged him onto the ‘dance floor’ to the cheers of the mirthful crowd.

Heath smiled thinly. “He did say that he wanted to have the biggest party before he turns 30 next year.”

“Man, 30 seems so old but that’ll be us in a few years, huh?” Sugizo glanced at him. “Oh, have you had any cake yet?”

Heath nodded and showed him the empty paper plate sitting on the bar counter behind him, decorated with stray smears of chocolate icing and dark brown crumbs and a lone cherry pit.

“Is everything okay?” Sugizo stopped with the plastic fork in his mouth, looking at Heath with genuine concern.

“Um. Yeah,” Heath lied. “Tired. I think I’ve had enough.” Keeping his gaze firmly glued to an invisible spot on the floor, he picked up his beer glass with lines of pale, dried foam clinging to the inner surface and an inch or so of golden liquid sloshing around the bottom. He couldn't very well tell the man that the real reason he couldn’t fucking look him in the eye was because he kept picturing his lips on someone’s neck, wanting his hands to roam where they shouldn’t.

“That’s no good,” Sugizo said sympathetically. He turned and motioned at a bartender, and a minute later handed him a glass of water. “Here. This’ll help.”

“Thank you.” Heath tried not to flinch when their hands touched, glanced up shyly, saw those dark eyes seeing straight through his feigned nonchalance and those delicious lips pressed into a small half-smile. He quickly looked away again. “So. Have you and Ryuichi been okay lately?”

Sugizo looked mildly surprised. “Yeah! I took your advice about the chocolates and gave him a nice, long massage and he sweetened right up.”

“That’s good to hear.”

Sugizo’s expression changed to one of amusement and he smiled ruefully. “I still don’t understand how you’re single. Somebody out there is really missing out!”

Heath almost choked on his water but thankfully Pata chose this moment to return with a fresh drink and diverted Sugizio’s attention from a blushing Heath. Watching him go, Heath didn’t know what he expected from their brief interaction, really. He’d been waiting to see him all night, and for what? Was he supposed to figure out his feelings after one short, stilted conversation? And there was still the whole issue of Sugizo having a boyfriend. That meant that he was out of bounds, off limits, not available, and this sudden infatuation was nothing more than a dead end.

When Heath finally made it home that night, he lay awake in bed with Qoo nestled in the crook of his arm, sound asleep. He stroked the silky, baby-soft fur on her ears with the side of his thumb very gently and the little dog sighed in her sleep. He smiled. He didn’t usually allow her onto the bed but sometimes he couldn’t resist that adorable little face when she looked at him like he was her whole world, and it was nice to have some extra company and warmth after the evening’s events. The awkward conversation kept repeating in Heath’s mind while he lay in bed, staring up at the blank ceiling. It was simple, he decided. He hadn’t dated anyone in the two years that he’d lived in Tokyo; with his mind occupied with settling into a new city, raising a puppy, and band activities, the last thing on his mind was dating.

_Fuck. I need to get laid._

***

Across town, they’re fucking like animals, clawing at each other desperately, their breath hitching and coming in ragged sobs while Sugizo’s pounding into the man beneath him. His lover’s long, silky black hair is plastered to his skin and he’s making the most delightful noises for him as they’re fucking, heavy breathing, moaning his name, fingers digging into his back, grinding against his every thrust, the heady smells of sweat and sex thick in the air, kissing hungrily, pushing his tongue into the other’s mouth and tasting them until they both break away from a sudden jolt of intense pleasure and he gazes into warm brown eyes half-lidded with lust and he’s so beautiful and sexy with his makeup all smudged that Sugizo feels compelled to claim that mouth again as their bodies move together, his cock sliding in and out of that slim body, long legs clamped around his hips and Sugizo woke up with the covers kicked down to his knees and his hand loosely wrapped around his raging hard-on.

Well, shit.

Sugizo carefully climbed out of bed so as not to wake Ryuichi, still sound asleep, and stumbled into the kitchen for a drink of water to clear his head, blundering into a corner of the sofa as he went. The cool night air played over his naked body; it felt good but did nothing to soothe his hot, aching erection. He leaned heavily against the kitchen counter and stared across the room, not really seeing anything except the slowly fading picture in his mind of a slender, beautiful, long-haired man beneath him in bed. What the fuck had just happened? He couldn't remember the last time he'd had such a vivid sex dream. He could still feel the way those hands had felt on his back in the dream, remembered looking into a pair of pretty brown eyes and he stroked himself absentmindedly. God, he was so fucking hard.

No, he thought. Ryuichi had brown eyes - hell, brown eyes were incredibly common, making up something like 70% or 80% of the world’s population. The brown eyes in his dream didn’t mean anything. Everybody he knew had brown eyes. And lots of their friends had long black hair. He was just mixed up, that was all. Dreams are weird like that, throwing in random shit to confuse you.

When he returned to the bedroom, Ryuichi had turned on the bedside light and he was rubbing his eyes with one hand drowsily. His shoulder-length hair stuck out at weird angles at the back of his head. “Couldn’t sleep?” he yawned.

“I— yeah. Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake…” The words caught in Sugizo’s throat and the rest of the words in his mind dissolved when Ryuichi sat up. The blankets pooled around his waist, showing smooth, lightly-tanned skin and a body well-toned from a keen love of surfing, but it was not the body that Sugizo had held in his dream.

The two of them just looked at each other for a second before Ryuichi let his gaze drop to Sugizo’s erection, thick and heavy between his legs. “What’s got you all hot and bothered?”

With an almost predatory look in his eyes, Sugizo crossed the room in a couple of long strides, flung the sheets aside and kissed the dark-haired vocalist roughly before flipping him over.

“Sugizo, what—”

Sugizo ran a hand down his back, fingering the elastic waistband on Ryuichi’s boxer briefs and tugging them down to his knees with one hand, and Ryuichi let out a cry of surprise mixed with pleasure when Sugizo dipped a hand between his legs to caress his cock and balls, playing with him until he was rock hard and whimpering and the guitarist leaned over his lover, mouthing at his neck and pressing his own hard cock against Ryuichi’s ass with a deep groan, rutting against him while Ryuichi pushed back into him and moaned softly, begging to be touched and filled and fucked. Sugizo didn’t have the patience to go digging in the drawers for lube; he spat into his hand a couple of times and gave himself a few quick strokes, pressing the blunt head of his cock between Ryuichi’s legs and easing himself into his body while the vocalist arched up to meet him, trembling when his lover slowly pulled out almost all the way, stilled for a heartbeat and drove back inside him, drawing a cry of shocked pleasure from the vocalist, over and over again, Ryuichi’s hands clenching in the sheets. Sugizo was relentless in his pace and intensity and he wasn’t even sure he could stop if he wanted to; he was so fucking hard it almost hurt and he just needed to _fuck_ until he found that release.

Months later it would occur to him that they hadn’t fucked like this since the early days of their relationship, perhaps even before the rest of the band had figured out that they were sleeping together. Back then, their budding romance was a titillating secret, stealing a quick blowjob in the bathroom of a livehouse after playing a show. Now, Ryuichi was almost sobbing with how good he felt with Sugizo’s dick in his ass and his own hand around his cock as his orgasm rose up inside him and twisted and burst, coating his hand in thick cum while Sugizo shifted a little, his breathing ragged and laboured, and finally there it was: he shoved himself in one last time and a heavy groan of pleasure, his cock twitched and strained and he finished inside his lover and all but collapsed beside him like a dead weight, sated and exhausted.

Ryuichi chuckled breathlessly. “Oh, god. Where did _that_ come from?”

Sugizo could only utter a tired grunt in reply.

“I don’t remember the last time you fucked me that hard.” Ryuichi reached for the box of tissues on the nightstand to wipe off his hand. He tossed the tissues on the floor, switched off the bedside light and curled up against Sugizo’s shoulder, purring as he felt cum slowly trickling down his thigh, but he was not the person Sugizo was thinking about.

  
  


The next morning dawned grey and overcast, and Sugizo had slept poorly. He stood in the shower, letting the warm water pelt down on his face and his tired muscles, hoping it would help him wake up. With a towel tucked around his waist, he lathered his face up with shaving cream and stared at his reflection for a moment. Even though his face felt neutral, the face that he saw in the mirror looked bleak. His mouth appeared to be set in a slight frown, his eyes were dull and gritty from lack of sleep, and the cold white fluorescent bathroom light cast harsh shadows and an unhealthy pallor on his tired complexion. He reminded himself for the hundredth time that he should moisturise more often. He picked up the razor from the side of the sink and, using his other hand to pull his skin taut, drew it down one side of his face, dragging a bare track through the white foam and stubble.

The bathroom door creaked open and out of the corner of his eye, he glimpsed Ryuichi poking his head inside.

“Good morning.” The dark-haired vocalist was all smiles after their frisky midnight romp.

Sugizo kept his eyes on his reflection while he shaved. “Morning.”

“Mmm, I am _so_ sore. I’m going to be sore for _days_. You should do that to me more often—”

“Don’t— _ah!_ ” The razor clattered into the sink when Ryuichi slipped his arms around his waist and tried to slide a hand inside his towel. Sugizo touched his face and his fingertips came away with white shaving foam stained red. He eyed Ryuichi sideways, annoyed. “Thanks for that.”

“Oh.” Ryuichi’s face fell. “Sorry.”

“You just had to do that when I had a blade right next to my face.”

“I said I was sorry.” Ryuichi took a step back, his good mood replaced with irritation. “What’s wrong with you lately? You’ve been so goddamn moody.” He turned to leave and stopped mid-step. “Oh and by the way, you left a bunch of hair in the shower drain yesterday. Again.”

The mirror shuddered when the door slammed shut, and it took a moment for Sugizo to realise that he’d been holding his breath during that short but tense exchange. He let it out in a tired sigh and stared at his pallid reflection, one half smooth and clean-shaven, the other half still covered in slippery shaving cream melting on his face like vanilla ice cream on a hot day. The cut was beginning to sting. He washed it all off, patted his face dry and started again, giving the can of shaving cream a good shake and depressing the nozzle. White foam puffed into his hand and he carefully spread it over the unshaven side of his face, rinsed off the razor and resumed the ritual.

_What’s wrong with you lately?_

Sugizo’s tired, grumpy reflection fixed him with a weary glare.

_I wish I knew_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Here's Luna Sea at the 1992 Extasy Summit](https://www.instagram.com/p/CHAh5GoFofq/)


	6. Chapter 6

**February 1993**

“Again from measure 130.”

They were well into 1993 and Yoshiki’s baby, _Art of Life_ , now took up a large portion of their lives. Pata heaved a barely-stifled sigh and cracked his neck left and right. hide clenched and unclenched his hands, stiff and tired from working the frets and clutching his guitar pick. Next to him, Heath rolled his wrists and flexed his fingers. Toshi cleared his throat and took a long drink of water. Nobody dared to complain out loud; there was no arguing that _Art of Life_ was a massive and ambitious undertaking. Just shy of thirty minutes long, not only was it Yoshiki’s magnum opus that he’d slaved over for years, it was an important milestone in all of their careers. Still, they’d been playing at a punishing pace for over three hours and they hadn’t once managed to make it through the entire song, for Yoshiki kept ordering them to stop and go over something again and again. He pushed the band hard and was uncompromising in his perfectionism. Every mistake was called out: if hide messed up his solo, or Pata was out of sync with their lead guitarist, or Heath’s timing was off, or Toshi stumbled over the English lyrics, they’d have to stop and do it over until the drummer was satisfied. The song was physically demanding to sing and Toshi’s voice was flagging. Yoshiki himself was hell-bent on perfecting his piano solo to try and adequately express his pain and turmoil and played it three times over while the rest of them just sat there.

“Yoshiki, I think we need to take a break.”

“Just a little longer, hide. We’re getting there, I can feel it. Just give me another thirty minutes, _please_.”

hide rubbed his face with both hands and sighed. “I don’t mean that. I mean we need to take a proper break. A week at least, maybe two.”

“We can’t afford to take time off!”

“We can’t afford _not_ to take time off,” hide countered. “Yoshiki, we’re tired and we’re burnt out. Even you are. You’re working on this and you’re producing GLAY’s album and god knows what else you’ve got going on behind the scenes. I know you haven’t been sleeping properly.”

Yoshiki said nothing but he looked guilty. He was a known workaholic and that went together with his insomnia a little _too_ well, often to the detriment of his own health.

“If we don’t stop for a break we’re just going to get a whole lot worse. Especially Toshi. If he doesn’t get some rest, his voice is going to give up on him,” hide said gently. “Come on. Let’s wrap up for the day, have something to eat and take a two week break. We’ll come back refreshed and rejuvenated and we’ll be better than ever. Okay?”

Yoshiki looked at each of them in turn. hide was right, of course. They all looked worn out, and he was starting to feel it, too. His back was aching from being bent over the piano and his fingers were feeling sluggish from over-exertion. He sighed. “Yes. You’re right. You guys should go get some lunch. Two weeks’ break starts now.”

The rest of the band heaved a quiet collective sigh of relief and began untangling themselves from guitar straps, coiling up long lengths of tangled cables and packing their instruments away.

“Um, thank you for all of your hard work, by the way,” Yoshiki added. “I know I’m being hard on you but I just want this to be perfect so badly, and I know that we can really nail this.”

Trailing at the end of the group, hide turned. “Aren’t you coming?”

“No, I think I’ll stay and practise.” Sitting at the piano with his back turned to them, Yoshiki looked very small and alone, but hide gave him a maternal smile, walked up behind him and placed both hands on his shoulders.

“You need to rest and eat as well.”

“hide—”

“No buts. You’re coming with us, end of story.”

Yoshiki and Toshi had been best friends since they were four or five years old and had even shared their first kiss together as children, but the drummer’s friendship with hide was something else altogether. They were, for want of a better word, soulmates. Heath thought about this while he watched hide picking the bones out of Yoshiki’s fish very carefully and patiently during lunch. hide always took great care to look after all of his friends and bandmates—making sure they got home safely after a night of hard drinking, for one—but he took extra care with Yoshiki. Their bandleader was a complicated creature: fickle with a tendency for drama, at times both strong and fragile, but somehow hide usually knew just how to handle his moods. Heath had even been told that Yoshiki and hide always roomed together while on tour because only they could tolerate each other first thing in the morning.

“Thank you,” Yoshiki said gratefully when hide slid the plate back to him, the grilled fish picked clean of any bones. hide just smiled and refilled everyone’s tea.

“What are you going to do with your holiday?” Toshi asked Pata.

“Sleep,” Pata said instantly, and Toshi laughed. “What about you?”

Toshi shrugged. “Might go see my folks, or catch up with friends I haven’t seen in a while.”

Next to hide, Heath asked. “Are you still recording with J and Inoran?”

In between _Art of Life_ , they were also working on some solo projects on the side, and hide shook his head. “Nah, that was just one song. But I’m also trying some acting.” hide looked a little bashful as he said this.

“Really? That’s amazing!”

hide laughed. “It’s not like this is Akira Kurosawa or anything. It’s just a short film that Tusk and I have been messing with, just for fun. Besides, I hear that Toshi’s acting as well.”

All eyes turned to their vocalist with raised eyebrows, and now it was Toshi’s turn to smile shyly. “It’s nothing major. My manager said I should audition for a new _Hamlet_ stage play, so…”

“Which role?” Yoshiki asked.

“Um… as Hamlet.”

“For the lead role!” hide marvelled. “That’s pretty goddamn major! What about you, Heath? Don’t tell me you’re acting as well.”

Heath laughed. “No, but I’ve been working on this concept that I’m calling _Daydream…_ ”

The idea of having two weeks to himself was a breath of fresh air. Working in the studio could be hard, like it was today, but despite the momentary frustrations, Heath enjoyed life in Tokyo with X Japan. Even as an ‘outsider’ from Kansai, he really felt like he was in his element playing with a band that kept going from strength to strength. That didn’t mean that Heath didn’t appreciate it when Toshi would sometimes talk to him in Kansai-ben, and he loved that his bandmates all made such an effort with each other.

He thought about what Toshi had said about catching up with people he hadn’t seen in a while, and the memory of a certain guitarist crept into his mind. He’d had another embarrassing wet dream in the last few months but other than that, it had been a while since he’d really thought of Sugizo at all. The band had been so busy with Yoshiki’s pet project that they hadn’t really seen anybody except each other and as much as he enjoyed the company of his ‘big brothers’, he was keen for some human contact that didn’t involve his bandmates.

Heath had never been good at sitting around doing nothing and he was already bored by the third day of their two-week break. As much as he loved music, he needed to do something else to clear his head. He’d already spent most of yesterday consolidating his wardrobe and doing some tidying and cleaning around his apartment. This morning had started off bright and early, and after having taken Qoo for a long walk in the crisp morning air, he picked up the phone.

“Hello?”

Hearing a voice that didn’t belong to Sugizo made Heath pause for a second, wondering if he’d misdialled. “Oh. Uh. Hi. Is this Ryuichi? It’s Heath, I was wondering if Sugizo was there.”

“Oh. Hello.” Ryuichi sounded oddly curt. “No, Sugizo’s not available.”

“Um.” Heath hesitated. “Could you please let him know that I called?”

Ryuichi only responded with a scoff. “Figures he didn’t tell anyone. He has a new number that you can reach him at.”

Ryuichi rattled off a string of numbers and Heath scrambled to write it down, apologised for having disturbed him and hung up.

***

“Ryuichi and I broke up. I’ve been staying at a friend’s place.”

When Heath called the new number, he’d been surprised to hear that Sugizo sounded as unhappy as Ryuichi had been terse and now he just felt bad.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t realise. If I’d known, I wouldn’t have called R—”

“No no.” Sugizo shook his head. “You weren’t to know. I probably should have called you earlier to say I had a new number and save everyone the awkwardness but…” He trailed off and dragged a hand through his hair with a harried sigh.

“When did this happen?” For some reason, learning that Sugizo and Ryuichi’s breakup made Heath feel guilty.

“Three, four weeks ago, maybe.” Sugizo stared blankly into his coffee cup, stirring it very slowly. He hadn’t touched his drink and it had long since gone cold. “It was a long time coming, I guess. We were always sort of on again, off again… and then it became more ‘off’ than ‘on’. Things that I did annoyed him, things he did annoyed me. By the end of it we weren’t even, you know, _doing it_.”

Heath nodded sympathetically. “I’m sorry to hear about that.” He thought about the way he’d heard the two of them having a screaming match and then getting all hot and heavy in the span of about an hour. That had to be exhausting and Sugizo looked genuinely upset about the whole thing. “How are you and the band holding up?”

Sugizo laughed shortly. “We try to keep it civil for the band’s sake. Other than that, we haven’t seen or spoken to each other. I’m surviving.”

“Surviving?”

“Yeah. I had to move out of Ryuichi’s place so threw all of my shit into storage and I’m sleeping on Tezya’s sofa until I find a place of my own.”

“Why not stay with Shinya or Inoran or J?”

Sugizo shook his head. “It’s messy enough for them as it is, I do _not_ want to get them involved.”

“No luck looking for an apartment?”

“Believe me, I’m trying.” Sugizo stopped playing with his coffee and put down his teaspoon. “It’s a nightmare. They’re all really expensive, or too far out from the city, or just plain _horrible_ …”

Heath nodded along while Sugizo went on about one apartment he’d seen that had rising damp and patches of mould on the walls, and another apartment that was already occupied by an entire dynasty of cockroaches. Heath certainly hadn’t enjoyed apartment hunting when he first moved to Tokyo from Amagasaki, either, and he knew he’d gotten very lucky with his current place in Shimokitazawa.

“—looked okay but then I opened the bathroom door and it smelled like something had died in there.” Sugizo put his face in his hands. “I can’t believe they’re even allowed to advertise these places for rent. Aren’t they embarrassed? I would be, but I’m getting so fucking desperate that I might have to move into one of these dumps, put on a hazmat suit and hose everything down with bleach.”

The man looked so downtrodden that Heath’s heart went out to him. He reached across the table and moved the cold cup of coffee away before Sugizo could try to drink it. “Here’s a thought. I have a spare room at my place. Why don’t you stay with me until you find a new place?”

Sugizo looked up and stared at him blankly for a good few seconds before shaking his head again. “No. No way. I can’t impose on you like that.”

“You’re not imposing. I’m offering.”

“No, Heath, I couldn’t—”

“Look, we’ve all been there. When I first moved to Tokyo, I spent two weeks on hide’s floor. I’ve got a two-bedroom place in Shimokita and it’s pretty big for just me and my current housemate.”

Sugizo raised one eyebrow. “Wait, if you’ve already got a housemate, then…?”

“It’s all right, she sleeps in my room.”

“Wow, no, I don’t want to intrude on you and your girl—”

“But I think you’ll really like her!” Heath protested. “Everybody likes her, even Pata. She’s got long brown hair and brown eyes and the cutest button nose. She’ll eat anything off the floor if you let her and sometimes she pees when she gets too excited and that’s a pain in the ass. She’s a really sloppy kisser but she gives the _best_ cuddles and I’ve always found her to be a great listener.”

“…right.” Sugizo dropped his chin and chuckled for the first time that day. “Okay. You actually had me going for a second there.”

Heath grinned. “Seriously though, hear me out. I’ve got a few things in the spare room—guitars, amps, mixers—but I can move them into my room. I’ll set out a futon for you and that room can be yours. How does that sound?”

Sugizo regarded him carefully. “You’re actually serious, aren’t you? Like seriously serious.”

“Well of course I am, I wouldn’t offer if I weren’t serious—”

Sugizo leapt up from his seat with a loud clatter, bashing his knee on the underside of the table. “I knew you were an awesome person but—” and he laid a big kiss on a stunned Heath’s cheek. Everyone else in the little coffee shop pretended not to stare but Sugizo was too happy to care about that or even his bruised knee.

  
  


Later that evening, Heath was curled up on the couch later with Qoo at his feet, running their conversation through his head again.

_Ryuichi and I broke up_.

The second those words had left Sugizo’s lips, Heath had felt a twist of guilt. And for what? He had played no part in their breakup; they simply hadn’t been a good match and the relationship had fallen apart. Sugizo had said as much. So why did he feel so guilty?

***

By the end of that week, Sugizo knocked on the front door of Heath’s apartment with a large duffle bag full of his clothes slung over one shoulder. Soon the door swung open and there stood Heath, looking very relaxed in a black t-shirt and a pair of faded black jeans with his hair loose about his shoulders.

“Hey. Welcome home, roomie. Come on in.” Heath grinned. “How’s the knee?”

“Purple.” Sugizo looked down to see a pair of big brown eyes peering up at him curiously from between Heath’s ankles. “Is this your ‘other’ roommate, then?”

“Yep, that’s my girl, Qoo.” Heath helped Sugizo bring his bags inside and then handed him a piece of kibble. “Here. You can get acquainted.”

Qoo had scampered off and was now standing at a distance, watching their visitor warily, so Sugizo dropped to his knees and held out the treat in his hand. She huffed at him and advanced slowly, taking only a few steps at a time, often looking up at Heath to gauge his reaction. Sugizo kept himself very still, even as she cautiously extended her nose and sniffed his hand and took the treat from him. Only then did he reach out to touch her. Having decided that this stranger was friendly, Qoo sniffed his hand again very carefully, nose twitching, and then offered a paw for him to shake. Sugizo laughed. Even Heath’s dog was polite.

Standing over the lone duffle bag that Sugizo had brought in, Heath asked, “Is this all you’ve got?”

“No,” grunted a strange voice at the door. “Sugihara, for god’s sake, come and move your crap!”

“Oh shit, sorry! Here, let me get that.” Laughing, Sugizo got up from the floor to help his friend with a heavy-looking suitcase.

“Thanks, and just after I hauled it up the stairs,” Tezya said dryly. “Hi, you must be Heath. Thank you for taking this guy off my hands.”

Heath shook his hand. “It’s no trouble at all, really. Glad to be able to help.”

“You realise you’re going to have to give up your bathroom. If you’re not careful, this one will spend _all_ his time grooming and preening—”

“Okay, that’s enough,” Sugizo said hastily.

“—and he’ll use up _all_ the hot water—”

“That’s because the water pressure at your place is awful!”

“—and fill the bathroom with about seventy different hair and beauty products.”

“ _Okay_ , Tezya.”

By the time Tezya was done, Sugizo’s cheeks were a little pinker than they normally were, and he thanked his friend profusely and shoved him out the door.

“Well. Shall I show you to your room?” Heath felt oddly nervous as he said this, and it didn’t help when he looked at his new roommate. Like Heath, Sugizo was dressed in casual clothes with his long hair tied back, and Casual Sugizo looked younger and cuter without his usual dark makeup on.

That face broke into a smile of genuine gratitude. “Yeah. That’d be nice.”

Sugizo spent the afternoon unpacking his belongings. He had politely turned down Heath’s offer to help, claiming that the offer to accommodate him was more than enough, so Heath left him to it until the early evening when he heard soft giggles coming from what was now Sugizo’s room. He hadn’t seen Qoo in a little while, either. He turned to have a look when out of the corner of his eye he saw a yellow projectile flying across the room and then Qoo shot out after it, her little paws scrabbling wildly for purchase over the smooth kitchen tiles. The tennis ball bounced off the cupboard doors and she made a mad grab for it, sprinting back into Sugizo’s room with her prize held tightly in her mouth. Heath quietly peeped around the corner to find his new housemate sitting cross-legged on the floor, holding a slightly slobbery tennis ball in one hand and tickling Qoo’s belly with the other, and she was loving the attention.

“Having fun?” Heath asked, amused, and Sugizo grinned up at him.

“Just making friends. She’s so funny.”

“She’s not bothering you, is she?”

“Maybe a little bit,” Sugizo admitted. “Everything I unpacked had to pass the sniff test first. But I don’t mind. I’m done anyway, and she made it fun.”

“C’mon, Qoo. Stop being a nuisance.” Heath knelt down and patted his lap, and she scampered across the floor to him, her pink tongue lolling out of her mouth and tail wagging, telling him all about her new friend. He scooped her up into his arms and laughed when she licked his chin, squirming with excitement. Sugizo smiled. They were clearly very fond of each other.

Setting the little dog back onto the floor, Heath dusted some of the dog hair off his clothes. “Hungry?”

“Very.”

  
  


The rest of the evening was spent relaxing on the sofa in front of the TV watching back to back movies. At first it was only going to be one movie but by the time the credits were rolling, they’d already put away three beers each and were having too much fun just relaxing with a crappy movie and playing with Qoo. Empty take-out containers and beer cans sat on the coffee table, well out of her reach.

“More?” Heath shook his empty beer can in the air.

“Sure, if you’re having.” Sugizo grinned. “But I should warn you: I’m a horny drunk.”

This made Heath pause. He’d heard from hide and the others numerous times in passing that Sugizo was a well-known flirt, but before he could think on this further, Sugizo chuckled.

“I’m joking! Holy shit, you should have seen your face.”

“I was just wondering if that was an invitation,” Heath said, making a light joke of his own.

“It can be if you want. I’m single now.”

There it was again. Heath got up to clear away the mess to fill the awkward silence. “Um. I’ll take a raincheck.”

After fetching another six pack of Asahi from the fridge, Heath knelt down in front of the television and held up two VHS cases. “Your turn to choose. _Terminator 2_ or _The Shining_?”

“Oh man.” Sugizo cracked open his fourth beer. “Maybe _Terminator_? I’m not big on horror. I’m more of a sci-fi kinda guy.”

“Have you seen this before?”

“I’ve seen the first one.”

Heath reclaimed his seat on the sofa, curled up with his legs folded underneath him and reached for another beer of his own. “Then you are in for a treat. This one’s even better.”

They were both feeling pleasantly buzzed as the night wore on, stretched out on opposite ends of the sofa, as comfortable as a couple of old roommates. They weren’t even paying attention to the movie any more.

“One day. One day! I will get you to watch _The Shining_.”

Heath was adamant, but Sugizo countered with a threat of his own. “Before that happens, I’m going to sit you down and make you watch _Blade Runner_.” This was punctuated with a little burp that sent them collapsing into helpless giggles.

“Shh!” Heath hissed, covering his mouth with one hand to suppress his laughter whilst pointing at his bedroom. “She’s sleeping!”

Sugizo nodded solemnly and pursed his lips together, fixing his eyes firmly on the television screen, but when he chanced a look from the corner of his eye, he caught Heath looking at him as well, and a fresh bout of giggles erupted from them both.

“What’s so good about _The Shining_ , anyway?”

Heath stared at him, wide-eyed. “Are you kidding? It’s a classic, like _The Exorcist_. Plus it’s Stephen King, the master of horror. When _The Shining_ finally came out in theatres here, I couldn’t wait to see it.”

“When was that?”

“Umm… I think it was 1980.”

“What? So you would have been… wait a second…” The red-haired guitarist paused and narrowed his eyes while his brain, fuzzy from being mostly drunk, struggled with the numbers. “You would have been, what, thirteen or fourteen at the time?”

Heath took a big swig of his beer. “Twelve.”

“Twelve!”

“I was tall for my age so I snuck in with my brother and a few of his friends.” The corners of Heath’s lips twitched up. “Tetsuya and I got our butts thrashed when our parents found out.” Eyes downcast, he murmured this into the rim of his beer can with a little smile as though he were divulging a great secret, and Sugizo laughed.

“Who knew… quiet little Heath has a bad boy streak after all!”

Heath just giggled again, raised his drink to his lips, then shook the can and peered into the hole in the top with a quizzical look on his face.

“Another?” Sugizo held out another can out to him, but Heath shook a hand at him.

“Nah. Oh man. What’s the time?” He rubbed his eyes and yawned.

At his end of the sofa, Sugizo pushed his sleeve back and studied the hands on his watch for a couple of seconds. “Nearly 2am.”

“Seriously? Wow. No wonder. I need to _sleep_.” Heath sat up too quickly; the room tilted weirdly around him and he sank back amongst the cushions until his head stopped whirling.

Sugizo just laughed again. “Are you okay, dude? Good thing you stopped when you did. Here, let me help you.” He clumsily clambered to his feet and held both hands out for Heath and hauled him up, almost sending them both toppling over the coffee table littered with empty, half-crumpled beer cans, and they staggered across the apartment on wobbly legs, each with an arm around his friend to ‘help’ and sniggering at the pathetic state that they were in.

Lying in bed, Heath felt very comfortable and relaxed after having consumed a number of beers and enjoying a laid-back night in with his new housemate. The moon was huge and very bright that night, not quite full, and it shone right in through Heath’s bedroom window, casting a bright white glow across the blankets, as bright as any streetlight. He gazed up at it idly, reflecting on the evening’s entertainment, and in a small moment of clarity just before he fell asleep, a funny thought came to mind, completely unbidden. Perhaps the reason he’d felt guilty to hear about Sugizo and Ryuichi’s breakup was because, deep down, he was glad that they were no longer together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Say hi to Tezya, everyone! :D Heath IRL is a talkative drunk. I don't know about Sugizo but I like to think he's probably a cuddly drunk.
> 
> So I started planning this story back in mid-2018 and I'll be honest: if I had planned this story in 2020 or even 2019, I probably would have done something better than using the old 'they were roommates' trope lol.


	7. Chapter 7

Even before Heath opened his eyes, he could hear the steady patter of rain and he pulled the blankets higher up around his chin, sighing. His head felt thick and foggy, heavy with sleep, and right now his bed had never felt so comfortable, like they belonged together. He would have happily rolled over and gone straight back to sleep if he hadn’t heard the jingling of Qoo’s collar tags as she gave herself a good scratch, and then she started whining. He pressed his face into his pillow and groaned inwardly. That whining meant that Qoo was hungry and he knew that she wouldn’t stop whining until she’d been fed. Then after breakfast she’d want to go for a walk to have a good sniff around and do her business. That was her routine. Sighing heavily, he crawled out from his nice warm bed and shuffled down the short carpeted hallway, barely picking up his feet as he went. With another yawn and another rub of his eyes, he opened the bathroom door and a warm cloud of steam billowed out.

“Oh! Good morning!”

He slammed the door shut again.

Not rain. The sound of water he had heard was the shower running. Sugizo was in the bathroom stark naked and dripping wet and Heath had seen _everything_ : long legs, a nicely-rounded, firm ass, lightly-muscled arms, a trickle of water running down that lean chest that tapered slightly to the firm stomach, drawing the eye back down to…

With his heart thundering in his chest, a mortified Heath took a couple of unsteady steps back and an ear-shattering yelp almost gave him a second heart attack and he looked down to see Qoo cringing in a corner with her ears pulled back.

“Oh shit, I’m so sorry, girl! Did I step on you?” He crouched down and picked her up, and she looked at him with those sad puppy dog eyes, forlornly asking if she had been bad. He felt terrible and carried her into the kitchen where he set her down beside her food bowl very gently and opened up a tin of dog food for her breakfast along with a few chunks of apple just for fun. She dug into her meal with relish, apparently having already forgotten about being stepped on, and Heath stayed beside her, staring at that bathroom door with dread. Stupid! Why had he just opened the door like that? Now very awake and lucid, a dozen things immediately sprang to mind: he hadn’t expected Sugizo to be there, he was used to living alone, he was tired and simply forgot, why hadn’t he ever thought to install a lock, what was the point of installing a lock if he lived alone, why hadn’t he knocked first…

Qoo finished her tinned dog food and started on the apple wedges, holding them between her paws and crunching on them with enthusiasm, and then the bathroom door swung open and out stepped Sugizo with a towel knotted around his waist.

Heath just stood there and stared. _God, he’s not shy_. And why should he be, with a body like that?

“Well, did you enjoy the show?” Sugizo teased. “That one was a freebie. Next time I’ll have to start charging.”

“No!” Heath blurted out. “I mean… no! I didn’t mean to walk in on you in the… I just completely forgot! I should have knocked, I wasn’t trying to… I’m so sorry—” He stopped when Sugizo held up a hand.

“One: it’s okay. I won’t hold it against you. Secondly, _I’m_ sorry. It’s your home, after all. I would have locked the door if I could.”

“I’m just so sorry, I’m so embarrassed—” The words fell out of Heath’s mouth without thinking and his face burned. “I feel horrible, it was so horrible… I mean, I’m not saying _you’re_ horrible, you’re very… I mean, not that I was looking… oh god I just feel so bad—”

“If you really feel that bad about it, you can let me see you naked in the shower.”

Heath stared at him, open-mouthed, and Sugizo started laughing. “I’m just teasing. Really. Look, what say you go have a nice long shower and I’ll get dressed and fix up some coffee, okay?”

“Okay,” Heath squeaked.

There are certainly better ways to break the ice with a new roommate than seeing them naked. Heath hadn’t been able to look Sugizo in the eye for a couple of days without turning red and stammering, and it didn’t really help that the man now had a new euphemism for showering.

“Just going to put on a show,” Sugizo would say with a towel slung over one shoulder and a saucy smile.

It took a few more awkward jokes, the installation of a lock, and falling into the new habit of each telling the other when they’d be using the bathroom, and the two quickly settled in to become very good roommates and friends. Being a guest, Sugizo was keenly aware of how tidy Heath kept his apartment and did his best to avoid making any mess. He had never met anyone who actually vacuumed every week but Heath said it was to keep the dog hair from taking over the place. Sugizo laughed and called him a clean freak. On top of this, he discovered that Heath was pretty handy in the kitchen as well.

“This is delicious! Where did you learn how to cook like this?” Sugizo asked one day while they tucked into some home-made yakisoba. “I can’t cook toast.”

“My mother.” Heath washed it down with a gulp of beer - just one tonight. He’d learned his lesson. “I mean, she tried to teach Tetsuya and me to cook when we were kids, but you can imagine how effective that was with two boys. Then I moved out of home and got sick of spending money eating out all the time.” He threw Sugizo a cheeky, lopsided grin. “I’ll never forget her face when Hi-chan came crawling back to her, begging her to teach me how to cook.”

“You have a pretty good relationship with your family, don’t you?” Sugizo asked.

“I suppose so.” Heath hummed contemplatively. “My brother and I have always been close. Dad… he’s kind of old-fashioned, tough love and all that. My mother keeps nagging me about getting married and having kids, but I guess everyone’s mother’s like that. Anyway, she's the one who took Tetsuya and me to see Van Halen. It changed my life, don’t know what I’d be doing now if that hadn’t happened.”

“I wish my parents did something cool like that for me,” Sugizo said wistfully. “You’re lucky to have such a good relationship with them.”

Heath gave him a questioning look.

“I started playing the violin when I was three.” Sugizo took a swig of his own beer. “My parents both played in the Tokyo Metropolitan Symphony Orchestra. They had me practising for three hours every day. It’s one thing to love music but being forced into it was a whole different can of worms. Nobody thought to ask me which instrument I wanted to play, or even if I wanted to play one at all. They just decided it all for me: Yasuhiro is going to play the violin, end of story.”

“And that’s why you picked up the guitar?”

Sugizo grinned then, and pointed his beer can at Heath. “Bass guitar, actually. If I had to play music, I wanted to do it _my_ way.”

“Really? You started off on bass?”

“Sure did.”

“Huh.” Heath smiled back. “Guess we have more in common than I thought.”

  
  


All too soon, X Japan’s two week break was up and Heath and the others were back in the studio, rested and refreshed, and by this time Luna Sea was gearing up for the release of _Eden_ and the album’s subsequent tour. When they weren’t rehearsing, Sugizo and Ryuichi did their best to avoid each other. Neither doubted that their separation had been the right thing to do, but nerves were still raw and they didn’t want to risk butting heads in front of the rest of the band. They’d had one stilted encounter recently; not by choice, only because they were waiting to use the coffee machine in the studio break room. Sugizo didn’t know where to look, so he reached for a clean mug to give himself something to do. After exchanging clipped greetings and a protracted, awkward silence, Ryuichi felt compelled to talk.

“How’ve you been?”

“Fine.” Sugizo studied the cross-hatched circle of light grey scratches on the bottom of the mug with great interest. It was a record of every person who had ever stirred a cup of coffee or tea since the mug had started living here, permanent marks etched into the otherwise polished porcelain surface by stainless steel spoons. How many drinks would this mug have served over the years? Hundreds? Thousands? “How are you?”

“Good.” The coffee machine rattled and rumbled, and fragrant, dark brown coffee streamed into Ryuichi’s waiting mug. “You go.” He moved off to one side and pretended to concentrate very hard on adding sugar to his coffee.

Neither of them had anything else to say. Sugizo finished making his own coffee and left.

***

A month after Sugizo had moved in with him, Heath was getting ready to take Qoo on her morning walk when he noticed that the apartment was oddly quiet. It took him a few minutes to realise what was different: normally Sugizo would be up and about making breakfast by now, but this morning his bedroom door was still closed.

“Sugizo.” Heath tapped at the door to his room lightly, not wanting to be too loud in case he was still sleeping. He looked at his watch: it was a quarter past nine. It was unusual for him to sleep in this late. Maybe he’d stayed up late writing music or something. He knocked again. “Sugizo, are you in there? Didn’t you say you have rehearsals today? It’s getting late.” Heath was about to knock again when he heard a muffled thump and the unmistakable honk of someone blowing their nose.

“Stay away from me.” The voice from behind the closed door was low and croaky with a congested, nasal quality to it.

Heath turned the doorknob, opened the door a crack and peered inside. Sugizo was sitting up in his futon; his eyes were dull and glassy, the skin on his nose looked red and sore, and his face was pale and waxy.

“Wow,” Heath remarked. “You look terrible.”

“Thanks. I _feel_ terrible.” Sugizo sniffled. He tugged another tissue from the box and blew his nose with a little moan of discomfort, discarding the used tissue in the bin. “I must have caught it from Shinya. That dumbass was sneezing all over everything and everyone last week. We _begged_ him to go home instead of spreading it around. He was all, ‘I’m fine, it’s just allergies!’ and now look at what’s happened. I’d kick his ass if I had the energy.”

Heath chuckled and gave Sugizo a pitying look. “Well, I was about to take Qoo for her walk. Can I get you anything while I’m out?”

“No. Actually, yes. Some more tissues? If you don’t mind.”

“Sure thing.”

“Let me get my wallet, hang on…”

“No, don’t worry about it.”

Sugizo looked pensive. “Are you sure?”

“Yes, of course.”

“Thank you.”

Heath regarded him carefully. “You should go back to sleep. Make sure you drink lots of water.”

“Yeah, yeah. I will, mother. Gonna try to take a shower first. I feel gross.”

Heath quietly closed the door. _He must be really sick_ , he thought. He’d said ‘take a shower’ instead of ‘put on a show’.

By the time the front door closed behind Heath and Qoo, Sugizo managed to crawl out of bed and he took a long, scalding hot shower, hoping that the heat and humidity would help with his stuffy head. It didn’t, but he felt a little bit more alive once he’d changed into some fresh clothes. His stomach grumbled but the idea of actually eating anything somehow seemed unappealing, so he settled for some coffee instead and went back to bed, sulking and feeling very sorry for himself.

He woke up a while later to something licking his hand.

“What the f—” he mumbled, opening one eye a crack.

“Qoo!” Heath scolded, picking the little dog up. She just wagged her tail. “Sorry, she just took off when I wasn’t looking and I couldn’t grab her in time.”

“It’s okay.” Sugizo propped himself up on one elbow.

“If you have the energy to get up, I’ve made dinner.”

That woke him up. “Wha—dinner? How late is it?”

“Yeah. You slept all day. It’s about five-thirty.” Heath patted a plastic shopping bag that sat beside Sugizo’s futon. “I got you some more tissues and some decongestant.”

“Oh geez. Thank you.” The guitarist struggled to sit up in his futon.

“Here…” Heath put Qoo back on the floor to help him up.

“Yeah. Thanks.” Sugizo grunted from the effort. “You should really keep away from me. No point in both of us getting sick.”

“It’s fine, I hardly get sick. My brother Tetsuya always hated that. How's your appetite? I can bring some dinner to you if you’re tired.”

“No, it’s fine. You’re not my servant,” Sugizo joked weakly. “I’ll be out in a sec.”

“Okay. I’ll leave your medicine here for you.” Heath patted his shoulder and left to finish cooking.

  
  


“What’s this?”

“What’s what?” Standing at the stove, Heath turned to see Sugizo leaning against the kitchen counter, holding a box of Belgian chocolate seashells in his hand. Heath grinned. “Oh. That’s a treat.”

“For me?”

“Of course! I thought you might need a little something to cheer you up.” Heath nodded at the box. “That’s your favourite, isn’t it?”

Sugizo gave him a funny little smile. “How’d you know?”

“I’ve seen you buying it a few times. They’re my favourite, too.” The dark-haired bassist just shrugged and turned back to the stove. “Sit. Dinner’s ready.”

Sugizo did as he was told, sinking into the sofa with a heavy sigh as Heath set two bowls on the table. He leaned over the table, peering into the bowl in front of him. “Soup?”

“Slow-cooked chicken soup.” Heath started pointing out the vegetables in it. “With potato, carrot, daikon, leek, pumpkin and celery. Just what you need when you’re run-down. My dad isn’t much of a cook but his chicken soup is the best. He used to make it all the time when any of us were sick.”

“Sounds great.” Sugizo inhaled deeply; his nose was stuffed up but he was able to catch a faint, savoury aroma of chicken with a gentle hum of black pepper and herbs. He picked up his spoon and started eating. His sense of taste had dulled alongside his stuffy nose, but what he could taste was mellow and comforting and it warmed him from the inside out. 

“How is it?” Heath asked, suddenly a little anxious. He hadn’t touched his own meal yet.

Sugizo was quiet for a moment, gazing into his bowl, smiling. “Really good,” he murmured.

“Are you sure?”

“Totally sure. It’s delicious.” Sugizo toyed with his spoon and looked up again. “Except the celery. I’ve always hated celery.”

The corner of Heath’s lips twitched up. “You know, I don’t really like celery either. I won’t touch the stuff on its own but Dad always used it in this recipe and I never thought of leaving it out.”

They both laughed.

Heath was pleased to see that Sugizo had enough of an appetite for seconds, and while he cleared the dirty dishes, Sugizo opened the box of chocolates and popped one into his mouth, letting the rich sweetness soothe him.

“Heath?”

“Hmm?”

“Thank you for everything.” Sugizo was looking at him with an expression of bare-faced gratitude. “You don’t have to be looking after me, you know.”

“Oh, don’t be silly,” Heath said, waving a hand.

“No, really,” Sugizo insisted. “I’m telling you, whoever you end up with is going to be very lucky.”

Something about the wistful way that Sugizo said this made Heath pause. At the kitchen sink, up to his wrists in warm soapy water, he chanced a furtive glance over his shoulder, but Sugizo was curled up on the sofa, blowing his nose into a fistful of tissues and moaning about it.

Heath cleared his throat and turned back to washing the dishes. “D-don’t be stupid.”


	8. Chapter 8

**May 1993**

Heath yawned. He was only a couple of blocks away, but the last home stretch of any journey always feels the longest. He shifted the plastic bags from one hand to the other. Inside were some large tupperware containers crammed full of homemade food that his mother had made and forced him to take home.

“You’re so thin, Hi-chan!” his mother had admonished him during dinner. “You need to eat more!”

Baffled, Heath could only blink at her incredulously and laugh. Their entire family tended towards the thinner side but Mrs Morie just shook her head and tutted at him.

“And when are you going to settle down and bring a nice girl home and give me grandchildren?”

“You already have grandchildren,” Heath said, looking across the table at his brother and his sister-in-law Kumiko with their two young children, and he pointed at his nephew. “Anyway, _he’s_ the one who isn’t eating.”

Heath’s brother Tetsuya hid his face behind a napkin, coughing loudly to stifle a chuckle. Four-year old Junichi had mounted a hunger strike, preferring to play with the toys that Uncle Hiroshi had brought instead of being trapped at the table with all the big people, and he’d been sitting there the whole time with a scowl and his bottom lip stuck out, refusing to eat.

“Hi-chan—”

Heath and Tetsuya’s father grunted, “Oh leave the boy alone, Yumi!”

Tetsuya lifted the baby out of her seat and dangled her in front of his mother’s face. “If Hiroshi doesn’t want to get married and have kids, that’s his choice. He’s in a major league rock band, he doesn’t have time to settle down! Besides, aren’t Michiko and Junichi enough for you?”

Baby Michiko chortled and seized her grandmother’s fingers in her chubby little fist, gurgling ‘ba-ba-ba’ and the older woman cooed and pulled her into her lap, momentarily forgetting the well-rehearsed lecture that she delivered without fail every time Heath visited his family in Amagasaki.

Heath flashed his brother a grateful smile. _Thank you_ , he mouthed.

Tetsuya just grinned back at him.

  
  


“Thanks for the lift, Tetsuya.” Heath unbuckled his seatbelt and leaned over the centre console to give his brother a hug. “I’ll see you all next time.”

“Good to see you again. You should come home more often. You know how Junichi idolises you. They love the presents but they miss their Uncle Hiroshi.”

“I would if I could,” Heath said wryly. “The six-hour round trip is a killer, plus we spend so much time in the studio…”

“That drummer of yours sounds like a slave-driver,” Tetsuya remarked.

“Yoshiki’s just passionate. He’s going to work himself into an early grave if he’s not careful. Not that he’ll listen to any of us.”

“Workaholics are always like that. Hell, Dad’s _still_ like that. They never change.” Tetsuya shook his head ruefully. “You’d better watch yourself, I know you can get like that, too.”

“Takes one to know one.”

“You should loosen up more, get back into dating and stuff.”

“ _Tetsuya_ …”

“I’m just saying that it’s been a while since you and Satomi broke up.”

“I’ve just been busy, and meeting new people is hard. I honestly have no idea how people do it.”

“You know,” Tetsuya said with a crafty look. “I’ve got a friend who’s single. You’d make a great couple.”

“No, Tetsuya—”

“Just hear me out! She’s a friend from high school. Remember Kanae? She and a few others used to come over and study. She’s an ER nurse now and she lives in Tokyo. She’s in the same boat: she’s so busy and works odd shifts that she has trouble meeting people too.”

“Yoshiki’s the one with the nurse fetish, not me.”

“C’mon! She’s smart and pretty, I promise. And lonely.”

Heath just grunted and Tetsuya chuckled. “Seriously, haven’t you met _anyone_ since you moved to Tokyo? Surely you’re going to tonnes of wild parties and meeting loads of hot groupies who’d be falling over each other to have your babies.”

“Gross. Did Kumiko teach you to say that?”

“She may have mentioned it once or twice…”

Heath snorted lightly.

“What about that guy who lives with you?”

“What about him?”

Tetsuya gave him a long look and then chuckled, resting both hands on the steering wheel and looking straight ahead at the row of parked cars in front of them, gleaming under the streetlights. “Do you remember that one autumn when it rained almost nonstop for two weeks? Mum and Dad went to a wedding and left us at home all day. You went out to the movies and I was going to play baseball with the guys.”

“Right. I remember.” Heath and his brother would have been about fifteen and nineteen at the time.

“So baseball obviously got rained out and I went home and just sat in my room reading comic books. I heard you coming home with one of your friends a while later and you turned the TV on. You didn’t know I was there at the time. I got up to get a snack and…” Tetsuya trailed off here and shot his brother a sideways glance.

“Oh,” Heath said very quietly. He knew exactly what Tetsuya was getting at. He had gone to the movies with a few friends to see _Scarface_ and afterwards invited Kenji home with him to hang out and play _Mario Bros._ on their new Famicom.

Kenji looked around the room. “Where are your folks?”

“Out. My brother’s playing baseball and my parents are at a wedding.”

“Oh. That’s good.”

Kenji lowered his eyes when their fingers touched, and he shyly leaned in and kissed Heath lightly. They parted for a brief moment, scarcely an inch apart, then their lips met again and again until they heard a loud yawn from the other room and quickly went back to playing Mario when Tetsuya emerged.

“Hey, dweebs.” The older boy breezed past with a casual wave.

“Hi,” Kenji said without taking his eyes off the game.

“Didn’t you have baseball?” Heath asked.

“Nah. Too wet.” Tetsuya opened the fridge and peered inside, humming, before picking out a juice box and disappearing back to his room again and closing the door. Tetsuya didn’t mention the kiss to anyone and nothing ever eventuated between Heath and Kenji, although they had remained friends until they graduated from high school and went their separate ways.

“I mean, I don’t care,” Tetsuya said quickly. “You know. If you were with a guy _or_ a girl. Whatever. You don’t have to hide it from me.”

“Oh.” Heath’s face burned. “Um, thanks.”

“So… is he…?”

“Sugizo?” Heath laughed shortly and shook his head. “No. Really not. He came out of a breakup and I offered him a place to stay until he finds a place of his own, that’s all.”

“Oh.” Tetsuya looked a little sheepish. “I just kinda thought… I saw a picture of his band in a magazine. Luna Sea, right? He’s pretty good looking. Not that two guys living together has to be, you know…”

“Yeah. I know what you mean.” Heath cleared his throat uncomfortably. “Well, if I do find that special someone, I will let you know. Right now, I’ve got a 3-hour train trip back to Tokyo and Mum’s given me enough food for a week.”

“Hey next time you come home, bring your dog.”

“I’ll try but she hates the pet carrier.”

“Oh, and d’you want me to set you up with Kanae or not?”

Heath heaved a long-suffering sigh. “Fine, okay! Whatever. Seeya, Tetsuya.” He gave his brother one more hug goodbye and hauled his heavy bags to the train station.

  
  


When he finally reached his apartment, he set the bags down on the doorstep, opening and closing his sore hands before unlocking the door. It was dark inside; Sugizo was meant to be home tonight following the conclusion of Luna Sea’s _Search For My Eden_ tour. Heath switched on the hallway light. The apartment was just as he’d left it earlier this morning; Sugizo must still be on his way back. Heath removed his own shoes and closed the door very quietly so as not to wake Qoo. Looking down at the bags, he sighed. It really was too much food. He hoped Sugizo would be hungry enough to help him eat everything before it went bad.

Having shuffled everything in the fridge to make room for his mother’s tupperware containers, he flopped onto the sofa and switched the TV on. He just needed to unwind for a bit before going to bed. Just for ten minutes, _maybe_ fifteen, tops. He loved seeing his family but it had been a long day. His legs were tired so he stretched out over the length of the sofa. His eyes were tired, too. His eyelids got heavier and it was increasingly difficult to keep them open, so he let them slide shut just for a second. He wasn’t going to sleep, he told himself. He was just resting his eyes for a bit, that was all.

He felt like he’d only just closed his eyes when he snapped awake, dreaming that he was falling, and the first thing he noticed was an odd weight resting over him. He moved to sit up and whatever it was slid off and fell onto the floor. That was when he realised that it was dark. Sugizo must have come home and turned off the TV and the lights when he found him like that. Heath was surprised that he hadn’t noticed and woken up. He must just have been that tired.

He reached down, groping about in the dark for the fallen object. His fingertips touched soft woven cloth and he grasped it more firmly and picked it up: an item of clothing, a cardigan or a sweater. The fragrance of Sugizo’s perfume lingered in the garment. It felt strangely warm and intimate, sitting there in the dark all alone, holding an item of Sugizo’s clothing that smelled like him. It was like holding some sort of secret, protective amulet.

_Got your eye on someone special?_

The conversation he’d had with his brother in the car earlier that evening had been a little awkward, and he’d been thinking over this for the entire train trip. Of course it was a sensitive topic and not easy to talk about, but it wasn’t so much that he’d been discussing his sexuality with his brother. They had always had a good relationship and there were few things that they couldn’t talk about. Rather, it was Tetsuya asking about whether or not he and Sugizo were seeing each other that hit a little too close to home, and it stung.

In the blue-tinted darkness he could see that the door to Sugizo’s room was closed, so Heath carefully draped the cardigan over the arm of the sofa and tiptoed his bedroom, stripped down to his boxers and slipped between the cool bed sheets.

***

Sugizo quietly padded into the living room the next morning, tiptoeing in case Heath was still asleep on the sofa. He relaxed when he found it empty, glad to see that Heath had eventually gone to bed in the end, and set his sights on breakfast. There was a piece of paper stuck to the fridge with a magnet, and the note written in Heath’s neat hand read FREE FOOD. Cocking an eyebrow curiously, he opened the fridge and almost laughed out loud. Inside, taking up two entire shelves, were four huge plastic containers of food: some fried rice, a noodle dish, a tub of pre-cooked gyoza, and some fried chicken wings. Where had it all come from? It looked like somebody had raided one of those all-you-can-eat buffets. The fridge’s bountiful contents filled him with a little glee, for it meant that they might not have to cook for a couple of days. Sugizo did his best to help Heath with the cooking and cleaning but try as he might, he could never get as comfortable in the kitchen as Heath was. He had little patience for anything that took more than about twenty or thirty minutes to become edible; that, and all the cleaning involved, too. There was so much time spent in the before and after, disproportionate to the time spent actually enjoying the meal. Now, if all the preparation that went into a meal were fun as the foreplay that came before sex, then he might be interested.

“Morning.” Heath lurched out from his bedroom door, yawning and raking his fingers through his hair.

“Hey,” Sugizo greeted him. He had to raise his voice slightly over the monotonous whir of the microwave while it warmed up his meal. ”When did you get to bed in the end?”

“Oh. I don’t know. Late. I think you were already asleep by then.” Heath’s gaze fell upon the black cardigan that had kept him warm while he slept. It was still where he left it, lying across the arm of the sofa. “I, um… thanks for this, by the way.”

This was met with a nonchalant shrug. “Didn’t want you getting cold out here. It’s just a stinky old cardigan, but it’s pretty warm and comfy.”

“No, I… um, I thought your perfume was nice, actually. Is it your perfume?”

Sugizo looked mildly surprised, but he smiled. “It is, yes.”

“It’s really nice,” Heath said again. “I don’t know why I never noticed it before.”

“I’ve only started wearing it recently,” Sugizo said with a quick smile. “Bought it on a whim. I wasn’t sure if it worked on me…”

 _It works very well_ , Heath thought. Was he wearing it right now? Heath wanted get up close and breathe in and find out how that perfume smelled on his skin, probably still warm from his morning shower, and out of nowhere that old sex dream came flooding back where Sugizo had him pressed up against a wall, kissing him, touching him, teasing him, his perfume carried by the heat from his body—

The microwave beeped and Sugizo abandoned the car magazine he’d been reading to retrieve his meal, using a tea towel as a makeshift oven mitt. Heath turned away, restlessly tucking a lock of his long hair behind his ear, suddenly feeling very self-conscious wearing an old pair of lounge pants and a plain t-shirt that he’d just thrown on after getting out of bed. He hadn’t even showered or brushed his teeth yet. At least he hadn’t been caught staring or worse, gotten hard.

“So uh, I see you found the food,” he quickly said to cover up the awkwardness. “How was the tour?”

Sugizo picked up some of the noodles in his chopsticks and blew on it to cool it down. “Better than I hoped, actually.”

“Oh?”

“I was afraid that things between Ryuichi and me would… you know, put a strain on things. I think we were all thinking that. But we sort of got talking again. Just a little bit every day. Trying to put all of it behind us and just be friends. Maybe we’ve both grown up.” Sugizo gave him a tentative sort of smile. “I think it helped a lot. Being on stage again, we were all on fire. The chemistry was just incredible.”

“I’m glad,” Heath said a little cautiously, wondering if Sugizo would drop a bombshell and say that he and Ryuichi had kissed and made up in the end.

“So, where’d all this food come from?” Sugizo asked.

“My mother. I visited my family back in Amagasaki.”

“Oh!” Sugizo chuckled. “Is that why you were passed out on the sofa last night?”

“Yep. Long day. Long train trip.”

“How are they?”

Heath shrugged. “Same same. My mother asked me when I’m getting married and having kids, like she does every time.”

Sugizo laughed. “Sounds painful.”

“Yeah, and now my brother’s getting on my case as well. He wants to set me up with some friend of his.”

“…oh.” Sugizo regarded him carefully. “You don’t seem too excited about it.”

“Not really. Blind dates and all, you know? But then I was thinking, how does anyone meet anyone at all?”

“By accident, I suppose,” Sugizo said contemplatively. “It’s all just one big blind date.”

They lapsed into a thoughtful silence that was broken when Sugizo suddenly seemed to remember his meal. “Man, after eating out at restaurants for the last few weeks, I cannot tell you how good it is to eat a home-cooked meal again.”

Heath smiled. “Save some for me, okay? I’m going to shower.”

“Okay. Need some help?”

God damnit.


	9. Chapter 9

**June 1993**

“This is a really nice place.” Sitting across from Heath at a classy little Italian restaurant on Omotesando, Kanae was dressed in a pretty ivory blouse with a dark grey skirt that fell just below the knee, a cardigan and low heels. In short, she was the very image of a woman that his mother would just love for him to marry: pretty, feminine and very well-kept. With her kindly smile and gentle hands, she looked, for all intents and purposes, exactly like a nurse.

“Yes,” Heath said while the waiter poured their wine. “A friend of mine recommended it to me.”

“I’m not sure if Tetsuya mentioned this, but work and everything, I don’t get out a lot.” She smiled. “You know, I recognised you the second I saw you. You haven’t changed much.”

“Oh?”

“Still the same tall, good-looking guy I remember from when you boys used to jam together in our friend’s garage. Or should I call you Heath?”

“Hiroshi is fine,” he said politely. “Well, I can legally drink now.”

She chuckled. “What made you boys start the band, if you don’t mind my asking?”

“Our mother took Tetsuya and me to see Van Halen when we were younger,” he said. “I guess you could say it changed our lives. Or mine, at least. He and a couple of friends wanted to start a rock band and they needed somebody on bass, so…”

“And that was you, huh?”

“That was me,” Heath agreed.

“I think it’s wonderful that you turned a passion into a career. That’s so rare, especially with childhood dreams.” She took a gentle, ladylike sip of her wine.

“I suppose not every kid grows up to be an astronaut or a Formula One driver,” he said mildly.

“I have a friend who always dreamed of being a teacher, ever since she was a little girl. She ended up quitting her teaching job after three years and now she’s training to be a pastry chef.”

“Have you always wanted to be a nurse?”

Kanae smiled. “I wanted to be a florist when I was little. I’d go out and bring all sorts of flowers home. Then my grandfather came down with pneumonia when I was about twelve and I set my sights on nursing instead…”

  
  


“I’m home!” Heath closed the door and removed his shoes with a tired grunt, pausing to give Qoo a quick pat when she trotted up to greet him.

“Hey!” came Sugizo’s voice from the living room. It sounded like he had his mouth full. “You’re home early. Bad date?”

“Well. It was okay.” Heath undid the top two buttons on his neatly-pressed shirt and sank onto the floor, leaning against the sofa with a tired groan.

Sugizo turned down the volume of his movie and put down the box of chocolates. “Why? What happened?”

“Nothing. We had dinner and talked.” This was punctuated with a nonchalant shrug and Heath patted his lap. Qoo looked up from lapping at her water bowl and scampered into his lap for cuddles and scratches.

“Oh. Do you think you’ll see her again?”

“Nah. She wanted to go out for drinks after dinner but I made up an excuse about having an early start tomorrow. She was nice but there just wasn’t anything there. It felt like a job interview.”

“No spark?”

“No spark.”

“That’s a shame.” Sugizo offered him the box of chocolates but Heath shook his head.

“No thanks. I’m just so _tired_.” Still sitting on the floor holding Qoo, Heath let his head fall back to rest on the couch seats and closed his eyes.

Even though it was a shallow sleep—he imagined that he could still vaguely hear the sound of blasters and explosions going off while he drifted in and out—it felt good to relax at home after a night of strenuous socialising and to let the tension melt away. A pleasant chill rippled up his spine and he found himself relaxing even more when something brushed through his hair.

Sugizo was playing with his hair.

He opened his eyes and stayed very still. The movie was still playing, and Sugizo was running his fingertips through his hair while he slept. In a detached part of his mind, he wondered if this was why dogs enjoyed being stroked so much; it actually felt really nice. He closed his eyes again and kept his breathing even, pretending to be asleep until Qoo climbed out of his lap and padded across the room for her ball and Sugizo immediately snatched his hand away.

“Mmph. Think I drifted off there,” Heath muttered, rubbing his eyes with one hand.

“Yep,” said Sugizo, sounding very far away. “Maybe you should turn in.”

“You too. It’s getting late,” Heath said, stumbling to his feet. “‘Night, Sugizo.”

“Good night, Heath.”

***

“What do you mean, ‘What happened’? We went out for dinner like I said. Yes of course I paid, I’m not a caveman…”

With a towel around his neck and his hair still dripping, Sugizo poked his head out of the bathroom door. Heath caught his eye; he had the phone in one hand and his other hand was balled into a fist, shaking it in an exaggerated, comical display of frustration.

“Yes, she is nice and she is pretty, we just didn’t hit it off. No, I don’t _not_ like her, she’s fine, I just… huh? I never said there was anything wrong with her. Tetsuya… well I don’t have to date her just because she’s pretty and single. Well, why’d you marry Kumiko? You can’t tell me it’s because all the other girls you dated were ugly and had horrible personalities. You married her because you had a special connection, right?”

There was a long pause and on his way to his room to get dressed, Sugizo caught a glimpse of Heath slowly pacing back and forth in the kitchen with one hand on his hip.

“Oh no no no. No thank you. One was more than enough. What? No, that’s like saying the first time you get kicked in the ‘nads sucks, but it gets better the second time.” Heath started laughing. “Yes it is. Yes it is! Look, I gotta go. Thanks for trying but… no. Okay. Bye. BYE Tetsuya!”

Heath hung up the phone with a frazzled groan and from his room, Sugizo laughed. “That sounded like fun.”

“Stupid brothers,” Heath grumbled. “I don’t get what’s so difficult to understand. You can’t make yourself like somebody just for the sake of liking them.”

“Maybe your mother’s paying him a commission for setting you up with eligible young ladies. And he gets a bonus if you end up marrying the girl.”

“Do _not_ let her hear you say that! She’ll think it’s a great idea and start telling all of her gossipy friends to set me up with their daughters and nieces.”

“That honestly sounds awful.” Sugizo emerged from his room, combing out his damp hair with his fingers. “Well, I’ve got a big day ahead of me. I’ve got an apartment inspection at eleven and then another one at twelve, then the guys want to do a post-tour debrief and dinner after that. What are you up to today?”

“I dunno,” Heath said. “Think I’m gonna stay inside and be alone for a while. I’m kind of over people right now.”

“I hear you,” Sugizo said, pocketing his keys and wallet. “I might be home late. I’ll bring something back for you.”

“You don’t have to do that. But thanks.”

After Sugizo had left, Heath spent the day in blissful quiet. He took Qoo for a long walk and let her have some extra play time with her friends at the park while he sat on a park bench and watched. Mercifully, the only person who approached him was an elderly gentleman. They exchanged polite smiles and the old man sat on the other end of the bench and read his newspaper. A short distance away, Qoo was running flat-out with a tennis ball in her mouth, with a pomeranian and two very yappy chihuahuas scampering after her. The rest of the day was spent on bass practise, some laundry and tidying the apartment, and watching TV with Qoo. After having a quick bite for dinner he retreated to his room to play with a vague concept of a song that had been floating about in his head for a while, and he worked on into the night.

  
  


The lights in the apartment were out when Sugizo arrived at the door much later that night, so he slipped inside very quietly, being careful not to make any loud noises in case he woke Heath and Qoo. Knowing that Heath had a sweet tooth, he’d brought back some dessert from dinner—some little chocolate cakes with molten chocolate in the middle—and put it in the fridge, and then he paused. The door to Heath’s room was ajar and a long ribbon of light fell across the living room floor like a cat stretching lazily. Sugizo gently pushed the door open. The folding floor lamp cast odd shadows upon Heath’s face as he slept, slumped in his chair with his head tilted to one side and a pair of headphones around his neck. Sugizo sighed. In the corner of the room, Qoo made a snuffling noise and lifted her head, watching his every move. She liked Sugizo a lot, but the apartment was her territory and Heath was her family, and she was fiercely protective of him.

At the foot of the bed was a thin woollen blanket, neatly folded into a square. Moving quietly on tiptoe, Sugizo shook it out and very carefully draped it across Heath’s sleeping form, tucking it over his shoulders with a gentle pat, wondering if perhaps he should wake him up. After a second’s thought, he slowly leaned down and pressed a light kiss to his forehead. The floor creaked beneath his feet and Heath began to stir, and Sugizo quickly retreated. Qoo put her head back down.

“Hm?” Heath breathed in sharply and blinked his dry, blurry eyes. “Oh, you’re home.”

“Yeah. Your light was on so I uh, just came in to check on you. Didn’t mean to wake you up.”

“No, I just…” Heath yawned and the blanket fell away when he shifted and stretched in his seat. “Oh… thank you. What time is it?”

“A bit past eleven.”

“Man. Should have gone to bed a while ago, I guess.” He pushed his chair back and got up, grunting uncomfortably when he rubbed his stiff neck. “How was dinner with the guys?”

“Good. I brought some dessert back for you. It’s in the fridge.”

Heath smiled. “Thank you.”

They bade each other good night and even after Sugizo had left, closing the door behind him, Heath still stood there, holding the blanket in his hands, gazing at the spot where he had been just a moment before. Only when he heard Sugizo’s door closing did he move like a wooden doll coming to life. He folded the blanket back up and sat on the edge of his bed, touching his face where Sugizo had kissed him.

***

hide took a big swig of his Coke and made grabbing motions with his hands. “Here, gimme that.”

Heath sighed and scooted over to one side, relinquishing the Super Famicom controller to let hide play the game.

“What’s wrong with you today?” hide asked.

“Me? Nothing’s wrong with me.”

“Bull,” hide said without taking his eyes off the TV. “You’ve got a face that’s about as cheerful a rain cloud. What’s on your mind?”

Heath grumbled. Sometimes it could be incredibly annoying to be around somebody as astute and sensitive as hide.

“Trouble with romance?”

“I think I’d have to be seeing someone for that,” Heath said dryly.

This admission made hide’s face light up like a Christmas tree. “Say no more.”

“Oh no. I’d recognise that look anywhere. It’s the same look my brother had when he tried to set me up with one of his friends.”

“Really? Who was it?”

“Some friend of his from high school. She’s a nurse.”

“That sounds hot.”

“What? No, I mean a nurse-nurse. A real nurse.”

“Oh, I thought you meant like a naughty nurse.”

Heath sighed. “What the hell is wrong with you people?”

“Well, anyway, Noriko’s an actor. She’s super cute and outgoing, she loves drinking and partying, and she’s got a _very_ full… er, ‘personality’,” hide said, winking.

“I dunno, that doesn’t really sound like my type.”

“You’re only saying that because you haven’t met her. Trust me on this.”

Heath just rolled his eyes. “If she’s so great, why don’t you go out with her?”

hide shrugged. “We went out a couple of times we figured we were better off as friends.”

“Thanks but no. Blind dates aren’t for me. Mind if I grab another drink?”

“Go ahead.”

Heath got up to fetch another Coke from hide’s fridge. “I took my brother’s friend out for dinner last week and it just felt so… perfunctory. I said to Sugizo that it almost felt like a job interview. What do you do, what are your hobbies, things like that. We didn’t really have anything in common. My mother would _love_ her but she’s not for me.”

“That’s too bad,” hide said sympathetically.

“Thank you!” Heath exclaimed, loud enough to make his friend jump. “My brother just couldn’t understand why I wasn’t falling madly in love with her.”

“You can’t like everybody. That’s what makes your friends special.”

“Exactly. Tetsuya kept asking me what I thought was wrong with her and why didn’t I like her. He was being such a nag.” Heath took a swig of his Coke. “Sugizo thinks my mother’s paying him a commission to set me up.”

hide swore under his breath when his game character died and the screen faded to black with the words GAME OVER glowing in big red letters, accompanied by ominous music. He set the controller down. “That’s the second time you mentioned Sugizo in the space of about a minute.”

“So? We live together, remember?”

“So… let’s just say hypothetically, could that be why you’re not interested in these girls?”

Heath choked on his drink.

“There’s nothing wrong with that, you know,” hide said. “He’s hot and single, you’re hot and single. Plus, they say the best relationships start off as friends.”

“Didn’t you say you wanted to work on that song?” Heath said a little too quickly.

hide gave him a look. “Okay. Sure,” he said, switching the TV and the Super Famicom off and reaching for an acoustic guitar that stood in the corner.

“Have you thought of a title yet?”

“Yoshiki and I have kinda been calling it _Scars on Melody_ so far.” hide nestled the guitar into his lap. “I thought that this chord progression would work better…”

***

“I have some news!”

Heath and Sugizo had just sat down to dinner that same evening. In the background, Qoo was noisily lapping at her water bowl, having already inhaled her own dinner as though she weren’t being fed twice a day on top of being spoiled with treats and toys. Heath had tucked a few steamed vegetables in with her tinned dog food; she didn’t mind the sweet potato, but she turned her nose up at the broccoli. Well, it was worth a shot.

“Oh yeah?” Heath poured some piping hot green tea into two cups. “Finally found somewhere to buy those shoes you’ve been lusting after?”

Sugizo wrinkled his nose. “I fucking wish. They’re sold out everywhere. But you know how I inspected a bunch of apartments recently?”

Heath paused. A pit of dread slowly spread in his stomach like a sinkhole.

“Well, I put an offer in for a few that looked pretty good and today I heard back from one of them!” Sugizo looked pleased, but Heath had a strange, weightless feeling as if the floor had opened up beneath him and he was in freefall.

“Oh. Wow. Um, so when do you move into your new apartment?”

“The end of July. Three weeks and I’ll be out of your hair. Just in time too, we’ve got the encore tour for _Eden_ starting in August.”

“Oh.”

Sugizo’s smile waned. “Hey. I thought you’d be happy. You’ll get to have the place all to yourself again. I know you must be sick of having me hanging around all the time and getting in the way…”

“Oh, I’m… no, it’s not that!” Heath said hastily. “I’m just surprised, that’s all. It’s come around so fast. Congratulations! But… I mean, it’s been great having you here. You help me with the cooking and the cleaning, and Qoo has someone else to play with, and… and we have fun watching movies and jamming together and hanging out, right?”

“Of course! And I really can’t tell you how much I appreciate everything you’ve done for me. It’s been really amazing but I just can’t keep taking advantage of your hospitality forever.”

Heath found himself enveloped in a warm hug, their meal momentarily forgotten, but he was so stunned by the news that it took him a couple of seconds to remember to hug back. Sugizo was leaving. Rationally, he understood that this didn’t really change anything. It wasn’t as if Sugizo would disappear the second he moved out of his apartment. They would still see each other and talk and hang out, yet somehow Heath felt like a great gaping hole was opening up in his life.

Sugizo brought out a wonderful bottle of red wine as a small thank you gift to Heath and some treats for Qoo, and three short weeks later his belongings were being removed from Heath’s spare room and into his new apartment just north of Nakano. Qoo knew that something was going on as well, and she trotted anxiously at Sugizo’s heels as he bustled about packing up his things. _What are you doing?_ she asked. _Where are you going?_

With Sugizo gone, Heath’s apartment felt empty and cold and oddly lonely. The futon had been bundled away and he’d moved his desk, recording equipment and musical instruments back into the spare room: an amp, an electric keyboard, three bass guitars, and an acoustic guitar. Satisfied with his work, he went to make himself a cup of tea before bed. Normally Sugizo would be there, helping him clean up after dinner, sitting on the sofa with a guitar in his lap or watching TV, singing or humming in the shower while he shampooed his hair. Now the living room had a hollow, unfamiliar sort of atmosphere, as though he had walked into somebody else’s home by mistake, or a copy of his apartment where everything was only very slightly different, just enough to be off-putting. He hadn’t been living here for very long before he’d invited Sugizo to move in. In much the same way people that grow and shape each other, they had shaped this space together and suddenly without half of that influence, the space was a little bit—just a little bit—alien. The memories of the home that they’d shared for only a few months echoed loudly between the walls.

He watched Qoo trot into the spare room, carrying a ratty old ball in her mouth. She and Sugizo had spent so much time playing with this ball that you could barely tell that it used to be a tennis ball anymore; it was patchy and fraying in some places and almost worn down to bare rubber in other spots. Try as they might, they couldn’t convince her to give it up in favour of a newer, less disgusting-looking ball.

“How can she stand putting that thing in her mouth?” Sugizo had wondered one day.

“Oh please,” Heath snorted. “I’ve seen her eat way worse than that.”

Now, she stopped just inside the doorway of what used to be Sugizo’s room, looking around with an uncertain wave of her feathery tail.

Heath sighed. “He’s not there, girl.”

Qoo looked over her shoulder and twitched her ears at him as though to say, _Why not?_

He finished off his tea and was about to turn out the lights when a bright glint caught his eye. It was the spare key that Sugizo had returned to him, sitting on the kitchen counter. Heath looked down at it for a moment and then picked up the phone and dialled.

“Hey, it's me. Sorry to call you so late. Um, about your friend Noriko. I think I’ve changed my mind.”


	10. Chapter 10

**August 1993**

“ _Cheers!_ ”

In a private room, five champagne glasses came together and around the table, five broad smiles. _Art of Life_ had topped the charts, having already moved over 300,000 units in the first couple of weeks. Somehow, after all this time and after so much work, the album’s release didn’t seem real to Heath. They each had their own advance copies but it was both strange and exciting for Heath to think that there might be hundreds of thousands of copies scattered around the country in people’s homes, all 29 minutes of it spinning in their CD players, the band’s first offering since _Jealousy_ more than two years ago.

“Thank you all,” Yoshiki said, getting to his feet and raising his glass. “hide, for looking after me, the way you always do. Toshi, for your patience with me and your amazing voice. Pata, for being you.” A chuckle rippled around the table, and finally Yoshiki looked at their bassist, still smiling. “Heath, for joining our family and rising to the challenge.”

Heath said nothing but smiled modestly, and another round of cheers went up as they enjoyed their celebratory champagne and the feast that was laid out before them, chatting easily amongst themselves. He was immensely grateful and proud to be a part of this amazing quintet, each a highly skilled and creative musician in his own right. Most of all, though, was the chance to prove his worth as X Japan’s bassist and reaffirm the band’s position as one of the most influential rock acts of their generation.

Their _Visual Shock Film Gigs_ tour was also well underway. From July until early September, a pre-recorded concert was being shown to screaming audiences as though they were attending a live concert, 47 shows in almost as many cities, from Sapporo to Nagasaki and everything in between. At the end of the year, they would close out with two live performances at Tokyo Dome dubbed _X Japan Returns_. It was exciting and sort of scary at the same time. Not including last year’s Extasy Summit, _X Japan Returns_ would be the band’s first live performances since Taiji’s departure in January 1992 as well as being Heath’s first live performances with the band; in a little over a year, he had gone from being unknown to playing in front of fifty thousand people at one of the most famous concert venues in the country. He’d be onstage for _Art of Life_ ’s live debut at _the_ Tokyo Dome.

While all of this was going on, Heath arranged to meet with hide’s friend. Noriko _was_ cute, just as hide had said, but more in an offbeat, punkish way rather than the usual overly-saccharin, cutesy kind of cute. She was what one would call ‘petite’; had it not been for the two-inch platforms she wore, she would barely have come up to Heath’s shoulder. The only part of her that wasn’t petite was her ‘personality’, as hide had so coyly put it. Her flannel shirt gaped a little across the fullest part of her chest and anyone who looked twice would see a teasing hint of red and black lace. Her shoulder-length hair was bleached pale blonde like a Barbie doll, save for a shock of bubblegum pink on either side of her face framing large, expressive eyes and lips that she’d painted in the same shade of pink as her hair. Her smile was part-smirk and she had a wicked streak that reminded him a little of hide. It was no wonder they were friends.

“So how do you know hide?” Heath asked. He gulped down his drink more quickly than he usually would. He needed that little bit of extra liquid courage.

A collection of rings decorating Noriko’s hands twinkled when she picked the paper umbrella out of her cocktail and twirled it between two fingers. “We met at a party. It was his friend’s buck’s night and I was one of the strippers.”

“Oh? hide told me that you’re an actor. Maybe I heard wrong…”

“I am,” she said. “Do you watch any pink films?”

“Oh,” Heath stammered. “I’m… sorry, I didn’t mean to… I didn’t realise… I mean uh…”

“Oh don’t be,” she laughed. “I do it because I enjoy it and it pays the bills. My parents like to tell all of their snobby friends and relatives that I’m in New York studying art or some shit, but I’m having fun and making a decent living. It’s just a job. Trust me, I got over being embarrassed a _long_ time ago.”

Her openness surprised Heath but he found it a refreshing change from the usual girls who were all prim and proper, and he particularly disliked the girls who pretended to be all cutesy, deliberately affecting high-pitched, nasally voices and annoying, exaggerated speech patterns. At least Noriko had her own personality.

“I don’t know if he told you, but hide and I went out a few times.” She took a drink of her cocktail. “Just so that you don’t accidentally find out later and it gets all weird. That was years ago, though. Three years… or was it four?” She gazed up at the ceiling with eyes narrowed, trying to think, still twirling the little paper umbrella.

“Yeah, he did tell me that, and that you both decided to be just friends.”

“Yep. I think it’s because our personalities are too similar. We only really see each other at parties. If we spend too much time together we’ll probably go nuts and rip each other’s hair out.” She laughed again, sat back in her seat and crossed one leg over the other. “You seem nice, though. Normal, I mean.”

“Oh, uh… thank you?” he said, feeling self-conscious. “You are, too. Nice, I mean. Sorry, I’m not great at this whole dating thing.”

“Don’t worry about it, sweetie,” Noriko said with a wave of her hand. “Just relax: there’s no pressure, okay? We’re just here enjoying a few drinks and whatever happens, happens. Or doesn’t. You know. Whatever.”

Heath relaxed a little. “Thank you.”

“So hide mentioned that you’ve been on a bunch of blind dates lately, huh?”

“Just one. Well, two including this one,” Heath amended. “My mother keeps nagging me about getting married.”

“Man, it makes me glad that my parents gave up on me a _looong_ time ago.”

“Yeah. Then my brother decided to ‘help’ and set me up with some friend of his from high school.” Heath paused to take a drink. “She’s a nurse. She was nice and all, but there wasn’t any connection so that was that.”

“I’ve always wondered about people like that,” Noriko said. “I mean, I understand wanting to be a nurse or a doctor to help people and save lives. That’s great. Or people like you and hide who pick up a guitar want to play music. But have you ever thought about dentists? Imagine deciding one day that your life’s work is to spend all day looking at people’s disgusting teeth. Yuck.”

“Or a proctologist,” Heath suggested.

“What do they do? Feet?”

“Butts.”

Noriko burst out laughing, and Heath chuckled too. “Barkeep, can I get another scotch? Noriko, anything for you?”

“Oh!” Noriko gave her empty glass a little shake and the ice cubes rattled. “Um, I’ll have mojito, please.”

While she chatted on, Heath swallowed the nervous lump in his throat. Although she was nice and pretty in her own offbeat way, Noriko far from his type, but right now, perhaps against his better judgment, he was determined to dive into this dating thing head-first. “This might seem like a weird question, but do you want to take this somewhere else later?”

A little flicker of surprise crossed Noriko’s face, but she nodded and smiled. “Sure. My place or yours?”

***

Heath woke up with his legs tangled in the sheets and a thick, fuzzy headache, like his head was full of TV static. He often slept poorly in an unfamiliar bed, and a night of drinking hadn’t been kind on his rest either. The curtains were drawn but the summer heat baked right through the thin walls, making the room warm and stuffy. Noriko’s clothes were strewn all about the place: bras and t-shirts hanging on hooks behind the door, skirts and cardigans draped over furniture, jeans and socks carelessly discarded in little piles on the floor here and there. There were a few shoes as well but as his gaze roamed about the room, not one of them appeared to have a partner that he could see. Both Heath and his brother had grown up very neat and tidy, something for which their mother was eternally grateful, and somehow seeing a girl’s room in such disarray was a little bit of a surprise.

A flash of movement caught his eye and a small tortoiseshell cat crawled out from under the bed. He reached down and the cat butted her head against his hand and purred when he scratched her ears.

“Oh, I see you’ve met Marron.” Noriko appeared at the door wearing an oversized t-shirt that was almost slipping off one shoulder and the hem just about reached her knees. She held a steaming mug in each hand. “She loves people. Here you go, hun. Have some tea.”

The nightstand was cluttered as well, an array of rings and bangles and mismatched earrings, Chapsticks with missing lids, novelty lighters, an empty glass with lipstick stains on the rim, last night’s condom wrappers, and what looked like a box of birth control pills. Noriko set one of the mugs down on top of a stack of dog-eared books: Nabakov, Rice, Réage, Murakami. She perched on the end of the bed with her legs crossed, the huge t-shirt she wore riding up her bare thighs.

“Thanks,” Heath said in a hoarse, dry voice, propping himself up on one elbow.

“Sorry about the mess, by the way. I just hate being the only person here who cooks and cleans and pays all the bills.” She paused to take a sip of her tea. “I live alone, but still.”

Heath laughed and she looked glad to have helped him relax in a potentially awkward situation. “This reminds me of the time I woke up hungover in hide’s bed. He forced me to go drinking all night, the day before I auditioned for X. We were properly fucked up the next day.”

“Didn’t fuck him as well, did you?” Noriko asked, giggling.

Heath laughed a little uncomfortably. “Oh god no. Even if we wanted to—and that’s a big if—I’d be surprised if either of us could get it up when we were _that_ drunk.”

“Well, I’m glad you weren’t too drunk for it last night.” Noriko smirked into her tea.

Heath sat up and cupped his drink in both hands, relishing the comforting heat of steam on his face and the gentle floral fragrance of jasmine tea. He cleared his throat. “Hey, um, Noriko. Where do you see… erm, _this_ … going?”

Noriko stopped in the middle of sipping at her tea. “Well… this was all just a bit of fun, right? Wasn’t that what we talked about? No pressure?”

“Oh, good,” he said, relieved. “I mean, not that there’s anything wrong with you but…” Heath shrugged feebly and she held up a hand in his face.

“Look, Heath. You don’t need to give me the old ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ talk. You’re nice and a great lay, but I don’t think either of us were looking for anything serious here, were we? I’m not looking to commit to a steady relationship, and you… you’re not looking for a relationship either.” She took another sip of tea and cast a shrewd, sidelong glance at him. “Leastways, not with me.”

A tangle of incoherent, half-finished thoughts ran through Heath’s mind like peak hour commuters rushing to and fro, all talking over one another and occasionally colliding, and it was a few seconds before any words would register in his brain. “What…?”

“Oh hun, it doesn’t take an actor to tell when people are acting… or rather, when they’re trying to act.” She gave him another one of those small, knowing smiles. “I wasn’t even going to suggest going back to anyone’s place until you brought it up. You were pretty eager. Maybe too eager. Like you were trying to forget someone?”

Noriko dangled the question in front of him and when he didn’t do or say anything to deny this, she nodded.

“Thought so. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not upset or offended or anything. In fact, if you wanna hook up again, I’d be interested to see what else you can do with that mouth of yours.” She smirked again. “Your mother would be so ashamed.”

Heath was so astonished by this that he choked on his tea and his ears turned deep red.

Noriko laughed. “Oh my god, hide was so right about you.”

“hide? Right? About what?” Heath blurted out, coughing and spluttering.

“He told me that you are a lot of fun to tease, and just look at you,” she chuckled. “How can you be such a hottie in the sheets but then turn into such a cute, shy little boy the morning after? I just wanna pinch you to make sure you’re real.”

Heath just cleared his throat and tried to hide his face in his cup of tea. “You… you were great, too,” he mumbled.

Noriko grinned at the compliment and tucked a lock of her pink and blonde hair behind her ear. “I _am_ a professional.”

  
  


She let him take his time getting himself tidied up and apologised again for the mess. He edged around her as she moved about picking up armfuls of clothes from the floor and the furniture, dumping it all into a now overflowing laundry hamper. Despite having slept together last night, he felt oddly self-conscious about being nude in front of her. After he’d showered, she took one look at him standing there, blushing and clutching a towel around his body; she smiled and scooped up her cat, and left the room to give him some privacy.

Once he was dressed, Noriko offered him some breakfast but he politely declined.

“I really should be getting home,” he said, fetching his shoes from opposite corners of the living room. “My dog’s going to be hungry and she’ll need her walk as well, or she’ll go nuts.”

“Fair enough,” she said, walking him to the door. “Well, take care. And I meant what I said before. If you’re feeling lonely and can’t get your mystery sweetheart off your mind, call me. No strings attached.”

***

The morning of an otherwise unremarkable December day dawned bright and pleasantly mild for the middle of winter. They’d enjoyed a long summer that had stretched well into September: long days with the sun melting over the horizon, huge and orange and hazy; cold drinks over ice in tall glasses frosted with condensation; cicadas hidden in the grass and trees, chirping and droning all afternoon until well after the sun had set. Now the trees were all bare, having shed the last of their brown and yellow leaves and all around the city, little camellia buds were beginning to appear in white and red and shades of pink against a background of deep, glossy green.

Heath had been up since a little before sunrise, enjoying the peacefulness of the morning before anybody else was awake. Qoo was out of bed, too, and together they enjoyed an early breakfast—eggs, toast and some fruit for Heath, and some kibble and a corner of toast for Qoo—and he changed into a t-shirt and shorts and grabbed the leash to go for a run. It was chilly but they would warm up once they got going. He enjoyed activities like cooking and cleaning and going out for a run with his dog. These seemingly insignificant and sometimes mundane activities helped to keep him grounded and his mind fresh, a welcome break from rehearsals and photoshoots and interviews in magazines and on TV. Qoo was full of energy and raring to go; had she been a much bigger dog, she could probably have dragged him down the street. They covered three or four blocks at a brisk jog, her stumpy little legs racing alongside Heath’s much longer stride until he slowed down to a more sedate pace, the leash hanging slack between them, the little dog panting loudly with her long pink tongue hanging out from the side of her mouth like she was smiling, her eyes bright and alert. Occasionally she would stop to pee, or to sniff a tree or a shrub. Heath let her take her time. There was hardly anybody out at this hour. They had passed an old man with his shaggy old mutt about a block back, both ambling along very slowly, as comfortable together as an old pair of slippers.

Heath and Qoo stopped to rest at a park bench and he leaned back and looked up at the sky. The line of gingko trees behind them were dressed in brilliant yellow foliage but soon their branches would be bare, too. At the end of the leash, Qoo was in the grass, sniffing around, snacking on the slender green blades. It was noticeably cooler sitting in the shade, and Heath took a moment to enjoy the peace and quiet.

Over the past few months, he and Noriko had hooked up every so often in much the same way as they had the first time: going for a couple of drinks, having a casual conversation, then going back to either her apartment or his to enjoy a good fuck and leaving with the knowledge that there would be no further obligations afterwards. There was no romance involved; it was purely physical. He knew that she sometimes slept with other men as well but she was honest about it, and she was very conscientious about birth control and condoms. It was embarrassing at first until Noriko patiently explained to him that they were just friends and consenting adults having some adult fun. In any case, having a semi-regular physical relationship seemed to take care of those wet dreams.

A nearby cough caught his attention and Heath looked up; it was the old man and his shaggy mutt, having caught up while he sat in the dappled shade. He looked back down again where Qoo was sniffing at something very intently.

“Qoo, _NO!_ ” He leapt up and yanked at the leash but it was too late. She had already rolled in what looked like the remains of a pigeon carcass.

  
  


“Stop being such a baby!” Heath was bent over the laundry sink, covered in flecks and streaks of soap from his arms to his chin while Qoo cried and whined and struggled, unable to grasp why she was being punished so cruelly. With her fur completely soaked, she looked like a very long, skinny drowned rat. She tried to scrabble out of the laundry sink with her short legs but the stainless steel sides were too high and too smooth. That didn’t stop her from wriggling around and howling though, and once he’d given her a good shampooing, she became as slippery as an eel.

“It’s your own fault!” he scolded her. “Quit your whining, it’s almost _—argh!_ ” he yelled when she gave herself a hard shake, spraying water and foam everywhere.

After he had rubbed her dry with a towel and set her down on the floor, she gave him a sullen look with her head hung low and her tail down as though he’d seriously hurt her feelings. With one last shake all over, she slunk away to hide under the bed and pout. He sighed and headed to the bathroom to strip off and wash away the sweat from this morning’s run and that musky ‘wet dog’ smell.

He had just emerged from the bathroom in a fresh t-shirt and jeans when the phone rang.

“Hello, this is Morie.”

“Hey, Legs! It’s Noriko. Sorry I couldn’t hang out yesterday, I was with someone.”

Heath grinned at the nickname. “That’s okay. I thought you might be busy.”

“So, did you want to hook up tonight?” Noriko asked. Her bluntness had taken some getting used to at first, but at least this way there was no room for misunderstandings. With Noriko, it was just sex and casual companionship, nothing more.

“Yeah, if you’re free. If you’re not, that’s fine.”

“I get off work at six, so how about eight? And then we’ll go back to mine after?”

“Sounds good. Meet you at the same bar?”

“Yep. See you then, sweetie!”

He’d only just hung up and was about to fetch a snack from the fridge when the phone rang again. Was Noriko calling back?

“Hi. How’re you doing, stranger?”

It took a second for the voice to register and a slow smile spread across Heath’s face. “Oh. Sugizo. Hi.” Self-consciously, he started to comb out his hair with his fingers, still damp and messy from his shower. “Um, I’m fine. How have you been settling into the new place?”

“Mm, it’s okay. Kind of weird to be living here by myself. It’s so quiet. I think I miss having you and Qoo around. Is that weird?”

“No, that’s not weird. It’s just one of those things that takes getting used to.”

“I guess so,” Sugizo conceded. “I must have forgotten how to live on my own. It’s been years. It’s just nice to be able to come home and have someone to talk with and everything.”

Heath chuckled a little. “If it’s any consolation, I think Qoo misses you, too. She still goes into the spare room to look for you sometimes.”

“Aww. That’s so cute. Give her some ear scratches from Uncle Sugi, would you?”

“I will later. She’s mad at me.”

“She’s mad at you?” Sugizo laughed. “But she worships you. What on earth did you do to piss her off?”

“I gave her a bath.”

“Oh no!”

“Yeah.” Heath stretched out on the couch and let out a long sigh. “She found a dead bird at the park and rolled in it. You’d think she was being boiled alive with the way she was crying and carrying on. I thought for sure that someone would call the police.” He peered into the bedroom where the little dachshund was still sulking under the bed. “She isn’t speaking to me right now.”

“Ah. Children!” Sugizo laughed. “I can see it now: the cops kicking down your door and finding some dude holding a soapy dog.”

“Great,” Heath said dryly. “Oh, I’ve been meaning to tell you. I saw you guys at the final Budokan show. It was amazing.”

“You did?” Sugizo sounded delighted. “You should have told me! I’d have gotten you a VIP ticket.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’m happy to support the band.”

“In that case, what if I were to buy you a meal? It’s been a while since we hung out, so…”

Hearing this, Heath sat up straighter. “Uh, what did you have in mind?”

“Anything works for me. Dinner, drinks, coffee. How's that sweet tooth?”

Heath chuckled. “You know me too well.”

“Well, how about dinner and dessert? Are you busy tonight?”

“Actually I…” Heath hesitated. “Uh, yes, I’m free tonight.”

“Really? You’re not just saying that?”

Heath insisted that he wasn’t just saying that, and they arranged to meet at an izakaya in Shibuya. Sugizo said that he knew a great little café that they could go to for dessert and how could Heath say no to that?

He immediately called Noriko back to cancel, saying that something else had come up with a friend. That same cheerful voice had simply said, “Oh, that’s cool. Next time, then. Have fun!”

That was what he liked about their arrangement. There was never any illusion about the casual nature of their ‘relationship’; she was always open with him about anyone else she might be seeing and there was never any obligation to meet up if one of them didn’t feel like it. There was no asking what his plans were or who he was seeing, and nobody’s feelings were being hurt. When she said no strings attached, she meant it. And when she told him to have fun, she meant that too.

“I will,” he promised, and they hung up.

He and Sugizo ended up having so much fun chatting over dinner and dessert that they quite lost track of time and Heath found himself thinking about how much he missed having Sugizo around. It was always so easy with him. With most other people, even somebody as casual as Noriko, it helped to have a drink or two to loosen up. Whereas when he was with Sugizo, alcohol consumption was more like a side effect of having too much fun. It was getting late, though.

“We should do this more often,” Sugizo said.

Heath smiled. “Absolutely. Thanks for tonight. I guess I needed a night out more than I realised.”

“You’re welcome.” Sugizo smiled back warmly. “Good luck at Tokyo Dome. The guys and I will be in the audience. You’ll be great, I’m sure of it.”


	11. Chapter 11

**January 1994**

Heath woke up on January 1st at 11am with Qoo licking his hand and whining.

Following the second night of _X Japan Returns_ on New Year’s Eve, they had all gone drinking afterwards and all he could remember was crawling out of his taxi at 5am on New Year’s Day, dead tired and very drunk. He couldn’t even remember climbing the stairs and unlocking the front door, much less getting undressed without getting all tangled up in his own clothes. He’d even managed to sleep through Qoo’s usual morning whining for her breakfast. He desperately wanted to sleep some more but now that he was awake, he needed to pee and it wasn’t going to wait. Showering and brushing his teeth seemed like a good idea as well; he felt pretty gross all over. His head felt like a sack of wet sand perched on his shoulders and his gritty eyes were so blurry that he made his way through the apartment mostly by memory and by touch. His foggy brain seemed to be experiencing some kind of input lag as well, so it took a second for him to figure out what he’d stepped in on his way to the bathroom.

“Wha— oh Jesus!” he moaned. “Qoo!”

Sitting beside her food bowl in case he didn’t remember where her food was supposed to go, Qoo wagged her tail and waited patiently while he hobbled across the kitchen to fetch her breakfast and she dug in immediately while Heath cleaned up the sticky, smelly mess on the floor, grumbling under his breath. “You are _not_ getting a treat today, young lady.”

What a way to start the year: being hungover and stepping in warm dog shit. Heath couldn’t help but wonder what the rest of the year might bring. He actually felt like crawling back into bed and trying again tomorrow.

After joining Sugizo for dinner and drinks last November, Heath had spent a lot of time thinking of him. It had been so comfortable to sit there enjoying a casual meal and good conversation and he would find any excuse to call Sugizo for a chat, and if Sugizo called, they would talk for ages. Heath did not have any sisters but as a teenager, their cousin Koji had spent the summer with their family in Amagasaki and he’d spend hours on the phone with his girlfriend. At the time, 11-year old Heath always wondered how someone could spend so much time talking about absolutely nothing instead of going out and riding their bikes down to the beach. Now he was beginning to understand: it wasn’t so much _what_ was being said, it was the person with whom the conversation was being held.

His more outgoing brother Tetsuya had had a revolving door of girlfriends all throughout highschool before meeting Kumiko and settling down for domestic family life, but in his whole life, Heath had asked maybe three people out, ever. On top of that, he had never actually asked a guy out before, either. So when Yoshiki called one day to offload a pair of Mötley Crüe tickets, Heath jumped at the opportunity.

“Great! I’ll get my assistant to courier them over to you today.” Yoshiki’s voice sounded very far away, like he was on speakerphone.

“Thanks, I really appreciate it.” Heath suddenly felt very nervous and jittery.

“No, I told you, Metallica can go fuck themselves!”

Heath blinked. “Um, pardon?”

“Sorry, not you. I was talking to my assistant.”

“Oh. So, what do I owe you for the tickets?”

Yoshiki just scoffed. “Nothing! I helped a friend get their kid into a good school and they sent me these tickets as a thank you. I’m heading back to LA so I can’t use them. I’m just glad the tickets aren’t going to waste.”

“Oh. What are you doing over there?”

“Gonna buy a recording studio.”

“A what?”

“I’m going to buy a recording studio in LA!” Yoshiki repeated. “Look, I gotta go. I’m late for a meeting. Enjoy the show.” He hung up.

Heath stood there for a moment to let the news sink in, and then he picked up the phone again and dialled. “Hey, it’s Heath. Yeah, not bad. Listen, you like Mötley Crüe, right?”

***

“I am so fucking happy, I could _kiss_ you!” Sugizo seized him in a bear hug and couldn’t stop grinning.

Heath laughed. “I’m just glad that someone could use that second ticket. Pata’s out of town and I asked hide but he had tickets already.” This last part was only half-true; hide did have tickets for tonight’s show, but Heath had known about that for some time.

“You’ve answered my prayers. How did you manage to get tickets this late? The show’s been sold out for months!”

“Someone gave them to Yoshiki but he couldn’t make it, so he offered them to me.” Heath bit his lip to try and suppress a smile. This was going even better than he had hoped.

“See, that is the mark of a good friend,” Sugizo said loudly. “Unlike _some_ people.”

“Whoa, my ears are burning. I think someone’s talking about me.”

Heath followed his gaze to see a slightly chagrined Tezya approaching through the loose throng of concert goers with a plastic cup of in-house beer.

“Oh, did you think that that was directed at you?” Sugizo sniffed. “I wonder why that could be?”

“I told you,” Tezya said with an exasperated sigh. “My friend was lining up for tickets and he only got me one instead of the two I asked for. By the time I got down to the box office, they were sold out. I said I was sorry!”

“A likely story!”

“Aw c’mon, man!”

Sugizo took Heath by the shoulder, turning his back to Tezya. “Let’s go, Heath.”

Thankfully Tezya’s own ticket had him seated in a different section of Budokan but as the crowd slowly filtered back outside after the show, they caught up to him again and started shouting something about going out for drinks. Heath’s heart sank. This wasn’t how it was meant to go. He had only wanted to spend some time with Sugizo and now he was stuck feeling like a goddamn third wheel, and this wasn’t even a date.

“You’re coming too, right, Heath?” Tezya asked.

Heath was about to say no when a familiar figure in huge dark glasses and a slightly oversized red newsboy cap sprinted right at them, and hide fairly leapt upon Heath’s shoulders. “How good was that!”

“Hey!” Sugizo greeted him with open arms. “The three of us were about to go for drinks. Wanna come?”

“I’d be crazy to say no to that, right?”

Heath sighed.

***

Noriko tucked her change into her purse and stopped. “Hey. Heath.”

“Hm? What?”

She waved a hand in his face. “Are you okay?”

“Sorry. Just distracted.”

“If you’re not feeling up for it, that’s okay, you know,” she reminded him.

“I know. Sorry. I was hoping tonight would help get my mind off something.” He shrugged and kept his gaze trained on the ground. “Maybe I shouldn’t have called you out. I’m sorry.”

“Hey, look,” she said with a light laugh. “We don’t have to do _stuff_ every time. We can be just a couple of pals and talk about _things_.”

Not quite knowing what to do with himself, Heath followed Noriko to a park bench where he lit up a cigarette and offered her one. She accepted with a small nod.

“Something the matter?” she asked gently.

Heath took a very long, slow drag of his cigarette, letting the smoke drift away in the chilly February air. “I think… that this isn’t working for me anymore.”

Noriko blinked at him. “Oh. It’s not me, is it?”

“No. Definitely not.”

“Oh, well that’s a relief. If I’m getting boring in bed, I’d be out of a job!”

He chuckled lightly. “It’s been fun and y-you're great but... it doesn’t feel right anymore.”

She glanced at him sideways. “Did you meet someone, then?”

“Not exactly.”

“That mystery sweetheart of yours?”

He hesitated and then shrugged again.

“Well.” Noriko tapped the ash off the end of her cigarette. “Someone always meets someone else eventually. Chasing something more meaningful.”

Heath let his cigarette burn and watched a steady stream of people crossing the street when the lights turned green. “Did you?”

“Want something more meaningful, you mean?”

“Mm.”

“I did, once. With an older man, actually. It was almost enough to make me give up acting and dancing and get a job-job.” She fell silent for a moment, just watching people as they walked to and fro. “Six months in, I saw him at a restaurant with his wife and eight-year old kid.”

“Shit. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I threw his drink in his face right in front of everyone. I hope his wife divorced him,” she said smugly. “I stopped looking for meaningful after that. Makes things a whole lot easier.”

Heath sighed. “I’m so sorry.”

“Would you stop apologising already? Him being a lying twat had nothing to do with you. You are perfectly lovely but I think we both knew this wouldn’t last. Not a lot of people get to experience a ‘relationship’ that’s purely physical but eventually…” Noriko shrugged. “I get it. Besides, now I can stop trying to clean my place before you come over. I know you hate the mess.”

This brought on another round of laughter and Heath snuffed out his cigarette. “Well. I suppose I’ll let you get on with your evening.” He got to his feet. “I’m really sorry.”

Noriko gave him a friendly little punch in the arm. “It’s fine! Or do you want me to pretend that you’ve broken my heart, too?”

“God no, that would make me feel awful.”

“Then take this—” here Noriko extended a hand and he shook it, “—and good luck. If you want to hang out just to hang out, you know where to find me.”

Heath smiled and stooped down to hug her. “Thank you. Take care.”

“You too, Heath.”

***

1994 would be a quiet year for X Japan. Each member would be concentrating on their solo work and as a band they would only release one single this year but Yoshiki scheduled two back to back shows at Tokyo Dome to close out the year, _Aoi Yoru_ and _Shiroi Yoru_ , and just like last year they’d each get their own solos during the three-hour set.

“What did you have in mind?” Heath asked Yoshiki over the phone one afternoon.

“Absolutely anything you want.”

“Is there a theme you’re going for, or—”

“I told you, anything. I’ve allocated fifteen minutes for you, so be creative.” There was a pause, and Heath could hear Yoshiki’s muffled voice speaking to someone else in the background. He was spending a lot more time in LA these days after having bought One On One Recording and turning it into Extasy Recording Studios. “Tell you what, you know that _Phantom of the Opera_ thing you did for last year’s solo? The crowd fucking wet themselves over that.”

“Is that a good thing?”

“What do you mean? Of course that’s a good thing!”

Heath chewed on his lip contemplatively. “I don’t want to do exactly the same thing but maybe I can get some props, or maybe if I were the Phantom…”

“That is exactly what I’m talking about. It’s visual kei: be visual!” Yoshiki sighed and shifted in his seat, making his chair squeak. “Heath, you’re _good._ If you can handle _Art of Life_ , you can handle anything and you’ve got a lot going for you. You’re the mysterious quiet one: don’t be afraid to show yourself off.”

Heath had laughed at that; it was true that he was still shy about being onstage without the rest of the band to share the limelight. He didn’t possess the kind of attention-grabbing stage personality that the likes of Yoshiki, hide, Toshi or even his predecessor Taiji did. Like Pata, he preferred to let the music speak for him and it was something he’d brought up with hide once.

“Ah, it’s all an act,” hide had laughed, brushing off the compliment. “You want to know the truth? Everyone gets nervous about standing out there in front of thousands of people. The butterflies, the sweaty palms, the ‘fight or flight’ response. Everyone.”

“You and Yoshiki never get nervous,” Heath had argued.

“I used to get nervous,” hide said. “But if you’re talking about Yoshiki, he’s just learned to hide it really well. When he’s not at the drums or the piano, you can tell he’s nervous as fuck. Watch out for it next time. When he’s nervous, he laughs and touches his hair a lot. Fake it till you make it, kiddo.”

He was still mulling over this at home a couple of days later when the phone rang.

“Hello, this is Morie.”

“Good afternoon, Mr Morie,” said a deep voice. “This is your neighbour. I have a noise complaint.”

Heath stalled. “I’m sorry?” he blurted out.

“Lately some of us have noticed some strange er, screams late at night and it seems to be coming from your apartment. Do you know anything about this?”

_Screams?_ “Um, no? I mean, I like to watch horror movies now and then, but I try to keep the volume down. I’m sorry if I—”

The other person sniggered. “Damn it!”

“Is this hide?” Heath asked suspiciously.

“No, but it’s the kind of thing he might do, isn’t it?”

“Oh geez Sugizo, you freaked me out!”

“Admit it, you thought it was funny.”

“Ha ha,” Heath said dryly, but he was grinning. “What’s up?”

“Well, I called and left a message the other day but you never called back, so…”

“Oh god. No, I’m not ignoring you. I’m so sorry. I’ve just been kinda busy lately. Got a lot on my mind.”

“Anything serious?”

“Well…” Heath hesitated.

_I’ve recently broken up with my friend-with-benefits, I have a 15-minute bass solo to fill at the end of the year, and I might just have a big crush on you?_

“Uh, no. Not really,” he finished.

“Is it something that a night of karaoke would cure?”

Heath laughed. “Karaoke? Are you serious?”

“Aw, don’t laugh!” Sugizo sounded like he was pouting. “Nobody wants to go with me and I don’t want to be that loser who goes to karaoke alone. Everyone else laughed at me, too.”

“I’m sorry,” Heath chuckled. “I just didn’t expect that from you. Actually there’s a new karaoke bar that’s opened up near my place that looks interesting. Do you want to check it out?”

“Really? Are you sure you’re not just saying that?”

“Of course not! I walked past them last week and they look like they have a pretty good food and drinks menu, so I’m game if you are.”

“You are _on!_ ” Sugizo declared. “If you’re free tomorrow night, want to meet at Shimokita Station at, say… 7pm?”

“Sure! See you then.”

***

Shimokitazawa Station, eleven minutes before 7pm. The May evening was mild and bustling with activity and indistinct chatter, mostly from young people and couples out enjoying the end of spring. Boisterous middle-aged tourists in polo shirts and cargo shorts shouted at each other cheerfully in accented English—British, Australian, American—many of them wearing bulky cameras around their necks and stopping every so often to pose for pictures and making a nuisance of themselves. Bars and izakayas buzzed, full of rowdy patrons enjoying cold drinks and grilled meat, chattering and laughing at each others’ stories.

Some fifteen or twenty minutes later, he spotted Sugizo amongst the crowd and waved, almost shouting his name out loud. Through the undulating mass of people rushing to and fro, they locked eyes and Sugizo waved back and hurried through the evening crowd.

“Have you been waiting long?”

Heath shook his head, smiling. “No, I just got here myself.”

“Oh, good. I missed my train and had to wait for the next one, and I was afraid I’d keep you waiting.” Sugizo slung an arm about Heath’s shoulders. “Are you ready for karaoke?”

  
  


Close to three hours later Sugizo was sprawled across the sofa trying not to laugh whilst Heath sang _Don’t Stop Believin’_ into an empty Coke bottle. The potato salad here was pretty average but the gyoza and karaage were very tasty, and they enjoyed bottomless drinks in between each song. They had started off sedately enough with a few songs on the moderate side of things— _November Rain, Beth, Imagine, Hotel California_ —but after they were both a few drinks deep they had moved into _Highway to Hell, Summer of ‘69, You Should Be Dancing_ and singing themselves hoarse.

The last few bars of the song faded out and Heath sat back down again and offered Sugizo the ‘mic’, but he shook his head. “I gotta take a leak.”

“Oh.” Heath waved him away. “Have fun!”

“I sure will,” Sugizo said with a cheeky smile.

Heath took a gulp of his Coke and rum and pushed the glass aside. Without their own music playing, he could hear their neighbours very faintly through the walls as he leafed through the song book, looking for something fun when the phone mounted on the wall rang and lit up in the dark room.

“Good evening, sir,” said a polite female voice. It was one of the staff down at the front desk. “You have fifteen minutes left in your room. Would you like to purchase another hour?”

Heath squinted at his watch. “No, thank you. We’ll be down shortly.” He hung up.

The door creaked open and Sugizo poked his head inside. “What was that?”

“Front desk just called to say our time’s just about up, but before we go I have the perfect song cued up for you.” Heath held a microphone out to him, grinning mischievously. “If you’re man enough for it.”

“ _I was beat, incomplete. I was sad and blue but you made me feel, yeah you made me feel… shiny and new!_ ”

With one hand on his hip, Sugizo flounced back and forth in front of the TV set as he sang, tossing his hair while Heath tried to choke down his drink in between splutters of laughter.

“ _Like a virgin… touched for the very first time! Like a virgin, when your heart beats next to mine!_ ”

  
  


At the end of the night, they paid for their extended karaoke session and the cold night air blasted in as soon as the glass automatic doors slid open with a smooth electric hum. They stopped and stared. The temperature had plummeted while they were inside their karaoke room and it was raining steadily, and the cheerfully relaxed population they’d seen meandering about earlier in the evening had been replaced by a sterner cast armed with pointy-looking umbrellas. There was no wandering and there were no detours to stop and look at this or that; they were all marching from A to B about with an air of stony determination. Every now and then the uniform pace was broken by a few individuals running through the downpour, uselessly holding a bag or a briefcase over their heads as though it might actually help to keep the rain off. Heath and Sugizo were both without umbrellas so they scurried down the street like panicked mice, shallow puddles of rain splashing beneath their shoes, and they found cover beneath the awning of a Family Mart.

“Wellp,” Heath remarked, peering up at the sky. “You took the train here, didn’t you?”

“Yeah. You?”

“Same.”

“I hate getting rained on. It ruins my hair.” Sugizo peered through the glass where he saw a lone umbrella still hanging on the rack inside. “We could share an umbrella,” he said dubiously.

Heath looked at the sky again. The rain was coming down in a steady patter, twinkling like glitter in the glow of the streetlights. “Um. You know, if we catch a taxi, my place is only maybe five minutes’ drive away. If you want to wait out the storm.”

  
  


The chill had crawled deep inside their bones by the time the taxi pulled up outside Heath’s apartment building and still it rained. Sugizo grumbled about his hair while Heath fumbled to unlock the door with cold, slippery hands. Qoo was still awake and ready to greet them at the door, jumping at Sugizo as soon as she saw him, wagging her tail furiously and scampering about his feet, as quick and agile as a ferret.

“Hey, sweetie,” he crooned, crouching down to scratch her ears as she jumped up and made excited sneezing noises. “Have you rolled in any more corpses lately?”

Heath snorted.

“I think my feet are the driest part of me right now.” Sugizo had to work to remove his Dr Martens with Qoo climbing all over him and he placed his shoes neatly by the door. “Fuck, I’m fr-r-eezing.”

Heath was shivering too, but when he switched the lights on and saw the way Sugizo’s t-shirt was clinging to him, suddenly his face became uncomfortably warm. He looked away and cleared his throat. “Uh, have a seat if you want. I’ll get you something dry to change into.”

“Thanks! Even if it’s just a t-shirt that’d be awesome.” Sugizo gave a self-deprecating chuckle. “I don’t think I could fit into your pants.”

Heath escaped to the safety of his room with his face on fire, glad that he hadn’t managed to blurt out anything stupid about Sugizo getting into his pants. Somehow this was worse than the time he’d walked in on him in the bathroom and now he was standing at the dresser staring blankly at the wall, trying—unsuccessfully—not to picture the man naked.

“Heath!”

He almost jumped at the sound of his own name. “Y-yes?”

“Do you have a hairdryer I can borrow?”

“Oh, uh, yeah! Just a sec.” Desperately trying to will away his semi, Heath stripped off his own wet clothes and changed into something dry, retrieved the hairdryer and returned to the living room. “Here,” he said, handing a spare t-shirt to Sugizo and fixing his gaze on the floor. “Um. I hope it fits.”

“Ooh, David Bowie. Thank you. I’ll give this back to you the next time I see you.”

“It’s fine, no rush.” Heath turned away while Sugizo pulled his wet t-shirt over his head. He cleared his throat again. “Since you’re here, how do you feel about a quick one?”

Sugizo tugged at the bottom of the David Bowie shirt and his head popped out at the top. “Ye… I’m sorry?”

“A quick drink! Like a nightcap! A coffee or tea or… I mean it’s okay if you don’t want to, it was just a suggestion. Oh god, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean… I must sound like such an idiot…” he trailed off when Sugizo started laughing.

“No, it’s okay, I get what you’re saying,” he said with a wink. “A hot cup of tea sounds great. Thank you.”

Swearing under his breath, Heath fled to the kitchen and put the kettle on, brewing up two cups of tea. He placed one on the coaster in front of Sugizo and switched the TV on, not bothering to turn the volume up against the whine of the hairdryer. By the time his tea was cool enough to drink, Sugizo switched off the hairdryer and tapped his shoulder.

“Turn around.”

Heath blinked. “What?”

Sugizo held up the hairdryer and traced a circle in the air with his other hand. “Turn around.”

Slightly baffled, Heath turned in his seat with his back to Sugizo. There was a burst of warm air behind him and Sugizo began to carefully dry his hair. Hair stylists aside, he hadn’t had anyone dry his hair for him since he was a kid, and he remembered feeling so comfortable that he’d sometimes fall asleep while his mother ran her hands through his hair. Having Sugizo running _his_ fingers through his hair was an entirely different feeling: a very nice, very pleasurable chill every time Sugizo’s fingers brushed against his scalp or his neck.

“You’ve got beautiful hair,” Sugizo said over the annoying whine of the hairdryer. “It’s so smooth and soft, not like mine. All that bleach and dye kind of fried it.”

And just like that, Sugizo gave his hair a gentle, playful tug. Heath froze all over and he had to bite his lip to stifle a whimper. Now he was hard. He had a fucking hard-on from having his hot friend play with his hair.

“Hey, um, I think that’ll do,” Heath said quickly, touching his hair and edging away.

“Are you sure? It’s still pretty damp—”

“Yeah, it’s fine,” Heath mumbled.

And so Sugizo switched the hairdryer off and traded it for his tea. “Thanks again, by the way.”

“For what?” Heath asked, pulling a cushion over his lap as casually as he could.

“For humouring me and coming out to karaoke. For inviting me back here to wait out the rain. For letting me borrow this sweet Bowie top.” A small smile twitched at the corner of his lips. “For propositioning me.”

“I _promise_ that wasn’t what—”

“I know, I know!”

Not knowing what to say, Heath picked up his cigarettes and lighter, and hastened out onto the balcony.

“Rain’s slowing down,” he murmured around his cigarette, flicking the lighter. The end of the cigarette flared in the dark and he blew out a puff of smoke into the air.

Behind him, Sugizo clasped his tea in both hands. “Um. Sorry if I went too far just now. I don’t know what it is, I just can’t resist teasing you sometimes.”

Heath could only manage a wan smile. He thought about Sugizo in that wet t-shirt. He thought about Sugizo’s fingers delicately threading through his hair and making him shiver. He thought about the way Sugizo had played with his hair and kissed his forehead while he slept and the countless little offhand comments that had been exchanged. Sugizo definitely enjoyed teasing him and Heath had hoped, perhaps foolishly, that he might have gotten over it after Sugizo moved out last year. Instead, his heart was doing cartwheels and backflips.

“Man, my throat feels all sore.” Sugizo took a sip of his tea. “I have no idea how Ryuichi and Toshi do it. Singing almost nonstop for two or three hours. I don’t think I’ll be able to speak tomorrow!”

“Mm,” Heath agreed.

Noticing how quiet Heath had become, Sugizo tried again. “Hey, listen um… seriously, thanks for hanging out with me tonight. It was a tonne of fun, wasn’t it?”

“Definitely.” Heath tapped the ash off his cigarette and attempted another smile.

“It’s getting late.” Sugizo shuffled about awkwardly. “Maybe I should get going.”

“Oh.” Heath held out a hand, palm up. He could still feel the tiny droplets of rain. “It’s still raining.”

“Yeah, it’s fine.” Sugizo smiled. “Don’t want to be keeping you and Qoo up all night.”

“It’s no bother at all,” Heath mumbled.

This prompted a soft smile from the guitarist. With his still-wet t-shirt draped over one shoulder, Sugizo bade Heath and Qoo a good night.

“Here, take this!” Heath seized an umbrella and pushed it into Sugizo’s arms. “Don’t want you getting soaked all over again on the way home.”

“Ah, thanks. I’d hate to ruin your t-shirt.” Sugizo turned to leave and hesitated for a second. “You know… I wouldn’t have said no.”

Heath looked at him blankly. “To what?”

Sugizo shook his head and smiled again. “Never mind. Good night, Heath.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ohhh, so close!


	12. Chapter 12

**August 1994**

“Fuck!” Heath kicked the covers back and groaned through gritted teeth. These sex dreams were getting tiring. This time he had been with some random woman and then she’d flipped their positions and when he looked up, the person was now a man, his firm, leanly-muscled body moving over him, full, pouting lips in dark cherry red, long, deft fingers playing with his hair and pulling on it just hard enough to tease, and Heath moaned his name in his sleep and he felt so fucking good, almost ready to burst, up until the moment he woke up and opened his eyes and god he had been so fucking close and he shoved a hand down his boxers and jacked himself off until he finally reached his orgasm, breathless and almost crying with relief.

This was beyond frustrating, and hide definitely noticed when he took him out for lunch.

“Late night?” he asked.

“No. Didn’t sleep well.” What remained of Heath’s coffee had gone cold but he gulped it down all the same. Not that it was helping. This was his second coffee so far and instead of waking him up, it was starting to make him sort of jittery and irritable.

“Oh, ‘didn’t sleep well,’” hide said slyly. “Not staying up all night having lots of wild sex like a rock star, are you?”

Heath stared at his friend with raised eyebrows. “I beg your pardon?”

“You tell me. Noriko said you stopped seeing each other a while ago. Got yourself a new fuck buddy?”

“Oh my god.” Heath got up to leave but hide yanked him back down again.

“Hey, don’t be embarrassed! Nothing wrong with having casual sex.”

“I am not having casual… hookups!” Heath hissed, looking around furtively in case anyone else had overheard.

“Oh _sure_ …”

“You don’t have to believe me. Besides, I don’t see you going out with anybody.”

“We’re not talking about me.” hide pointed a finger in his face. “Don’t try hiding it. I called you three times last Friday night and nobody picked up.”

“hide,” Heath sighed. “I was not ‘with’ anybody. I was just having a few drinks with Sugizo.”

hide stared at him with an expression of utter delight, mouth open, eyes twinkling with glee. “You went on a date with Sugizo and didn’t tell me?”

An uncomfortable warmth crept up Heath’s neck. “It wasn’t a date.” 

“Was anybody else there with you?”

“No, but—”

“Then it was a date.”

“hide—”

“How many times have you gone out together?”

“Tell me why two friends can’t just hang out together. Like, I dunno, right now?”

“Was Mötley Crüe supposed to be a date, too?”

By now, Heath’s face was burning and he was sure that hide could see it. “N-no!”

“Oh Heath.” hide looked up at him, shaking his head with the most patronising smile on his face. “You are the cutest thing ever. How did you survive in the wild before you met me?”

“Not going to pinch me, are you?” Heath said warily.

“Huh?”

“Nothing.”

“So tell me about this date!”

“ _It wasn’t a date!_ ”

“Okay, your words then, whatever you want to call it! How long have you been not-dating Sugizo? He never mentioned anything to me.”

It was clear that nothing Heath could say would convince hide otherwise, so Heath did the best thing he could think of: changing the subject. “What’s that you’ve got there?”

hide looked down at the plastic bag resting on the seat beside him. “Oh, this? Just a little somethin’ somethin’ for _Sugizo’s_ birthday.”

Heath wished he hadn’t asked.

“Cake and a bottle of wine. You’ve got to have cake for your birthday.” hide set the bag on the table and carefully lifted the cake box’s lid to reveal a marbled cheesecake with swirls of chocolate syrup decorating the top. The flimsy white box didn’t offer much protection from the heavy wine bottle and there were bits of icing and chocolate syrup stuck to the sides.

“I’ll be out of town tomorrow so I thought I’d wish him a happy birthday today.” hide cast a shrewd look at the bassist. “Say… you’re going out of town too, aren’t you? Wanna come with me and wish your old roomie a happy birthday?”

“Uh, no,” Heath said quickly. Had hide planned this whole thing? “It’s okay. I’ll give him a call later.”

“Have you seen his new place yet?” hide asked as though Heath hadn’t spoken.

“N—”

“Great, then you can come and help me carry this.”

hide was legendary amongst their social circle for being able to persuade people to do things with him. These adventures often involved the consumption of stupefying amounts of alcohol and people would always come out of these benders feeling just terrible and cursing his name, yet they somehow rarely managed to avoid joining in the next time hide needed a drinking partner. On this particular occasion, however, Heath found himself on a train sitting next to hide, holding a slightly dented cake box on his lap, wondering how the hell this had happened. He distinctly remembered saying ‘no’ several times and even started walking away at one point, and now Heath was following him onto the goddamn train platform holding a cake.

“How do you not know it’s his birthday when you’re dating him?”

Heath groaned. “I’ve told you like fifty times: WE AREN’T DATING.”

“You know, the more you deny it, the less I’m inclined to believe you. You’re always going on about Sugizo this and Sugizo that.”

“I do not!”

“Didn’t you say he’s kissed you as well?”

“Not on the lips.”

“But he’s kissed you.”

“He kisses everybody! He’s a big flirt!”

“No he doesn’t.”

“He does too. I saw him lay a big wet smacker on Pata once!”

hide just shrugged and gave him an annoyingly smug smile.

Heath sighed. “I am never going to tell you anything ever again.”

“Okay, okay. I’ll shut up. I can take a hint. Geez, you’re so touchy.” hide eyed his friend reproachfully. “I don’t even understand what the big deal is. I think you two are a really cute couple.”

Heath just stared up at the ceiling of the train and sank lower in his seat. Mercifully, the rest of the journey to Sugizo’s place was made in silence. hide produced a Walkman from his bag and offered one of the earphones to Heath, and the train clattered and lurched along its route to a soundtrack of the Sex Pistols.

***

Sugizo had just sat down for a fresh cup of tea when he heard a knock at the door. He frowned, eyeing the door suspiciously; he wasn’t expecting any visitors or parcel deliveries. Setting his tea aside, he got back up again to open the door.

“Happy birthday!”

He found himself accosted by the ever-effervescent hide, almost knocking him to the ground. “What the… hide?” Sugizo stumbled backwards and braced himself against the wall.

“Heath and I thought we’d surprise you!”

Sugizo blinked. “Heath?”

“Hey,” Heath said, waving shyly. “Happy birthday.”

“This is from us,” hide added, pressing the bottle of wine into Sugizo’s hand, followed by the crumpled cake box.

“Ooh, thank you.” Sugizo carefully set these gifts on the counter. “Come in, we’ll have a glass…”

“Oh, no, I’d love to but I can’t stay,” hide interrupted.

“What?” Heath blurted out. “But you—”

“Yeah, Yocchan said he needed my help with something.” hide affected a casual shrug. “You know how he can be. Sometimes I don’t know how he survives without me.”

“But hide—”

“You guys enjoy the wine and cake for me, okay?” hide said, and leaning in close to Heath he whispered, “Don’t say I never did nothin’ for ya,” and pushed him inside.

“What? Wait—!”

With that, hide pulled the door closed and disappeared, leaving Heath and Sugizo standing there staring at each other in utter bewilderment.

“What the fuck just happened?”

“I have no idea!”

The two of them laughed and Sugizo motioned for Heath to follow him. “Since you’re here, welcome to my humble abode. You haven’t been here before, have you?”

“No, first time. It’s nice.” Heath looked around. “It seems like a pretty good area to live in, too.”

“It’s okay.” Sugizo shrugged as he retrieved two wine glasses and poured. “Not as nice as your place in Shimokita but hey, I needed a place of my own. Maybe someday I’ll move there, too.”

“Why didn’t you tell me your birthday was coming up?” Heath asked while he watched Sugizo trying to peel open the cake box without damaging the cake any further.

Sugizo shrugged again. “I dunno. I didn’t want you to think you had to get me something.”

“Are you going to do something to celebrate?”

“Yeah, the lads and I have dinner plans this weekend. Just something really small and low-key; mid-week was too hard to organise. Ah, here we go.” Sugizo carefully folded the box’s lid back. Chunks of cake were stuck to the sides of the box from being battered in a bag with a bottle of wine but it would still be edible. “Looks tasty. Maybe we’ll have this later.”

Heath nodded and followed Sugizo to the living room. “How are the other guys, by the way?”

“Good. Really good.” Sugizo set down his wine glass and folded his hands in his lap. “We’ve already started bouncing ideas for our next album. Oh, did you know? Ryuichi started seeing someone a few months ago. Mai somebody. We haven’t met her yet but she sounds nice. She’s a singer, too.”

They chatted comfortably long into the afternoon and it was just like old times, when they would sit in the living room together with a couple of drinks and the TV on and Qoo curled up by their feet. The shadows in the room grew longer and longer, and it wasn’t until Sugizo got up to fetch a glass of water that he took his first proper look out the window.

“Wow, when did it get so late? It’s getting dark outside.”

“Really? Time flies—”

“I was just about to say that!” Sugizo looked over his shoulder back at Heath, who was emptying the last few drops of wine into their glasses. “Say… if you don’t have any plans tonight, do you feel like staying for dinner?”

Heath bit his lip shyly. “That sounds nice.”

Dinner was delivered by a local ramen shop just a couple of blocks down the road that had quickly become a favourite since Sugizo had moved into his new apartment a year ago. They became quiet then, as though they were shrouded in an awkward sort of silence and the only sounds between them were the slurping of noodles and the noise from the television. Then the cake was brought out and Heath helped Sugizo put the kettle on for some tea.

“This is really good,” Heath murmured, washing down some cheesecake with some hot tea.

“Yeah. hide chose well.” Sugizo set his empty plate down on the coffee table beside his own cup of tea. He leaned back in his seat, resting his arm along the top of the sofa, and Heath froze when something started tickling his neck. Sugizo was playing with his hair again and he didn’t dare look in case Sugizo might stop.

“You know,” Sugizo began. “I’m really glad Ryuichi’s seeing someone new.”

Not knowing what to say, Heath made a noncommittal noise.

Sugizo cleared his throat. “I’ve um… also kind of been interested in someone lately. They’ve been on my mind a lot for… a while.”

Heath’s heart sank. When he gulped nervously, it sounded incredibly loud in his ears. He hoped Sugizo hadn’t heard.

“Really sweet person. Beautiful, too. Tall, cute smile, pretty eyes. Possibly the best set of legs I’ve ever seen. I just can’t imagine how this one hasn’t been snapped up yet.”

“Oh,” Heath mumbled. He felt sick, like he was being suffocated. Now he was really starting to hate the way that Sugizo was playing with his hair while talking about this person who was meant to be so fucking amazing and gorgeous and perfect, and he scrambled to think of an excuse to leave.

“We met by accident a while back and became friends,” Sugizo went on. “Whenever I had relationship trouble, this friend was always there to lend an ear and then when that relationship ended, they even gave me a place to stay. When I was sick, this friend nursed me back to health. Since I moved here, I find myself thinking about him all the time and I keep looking for excuses to see him.”

Heath stared at him with his mouth open, stunned, but Sugizo kept his gaze on the TV.

“It’s been kind of tricky figuring out how this friend feels about me but when we got rained on and I helped my friend dry his hair…” Sugizo bit his lip to hide a smile. “I’m pretty sure he got an erection.”

“You _knew_ about that?!”

Sugizo cleared his throat again and pursed his lips in a barely-concealed grin. “It was kind of obvious when you tried to hide it with the cushion. If it makes you feel better, I thought it was really hot.”

“Fucking hell.” Heath’s face burned. He wanted to sink through the floor.

“So um…” Sugizo laughed awkwardly, taking his hand away. “I guess now you’re supposed to tell me that I’ve completely humiliated myself and that you think I’m a delusional moron and—”

“You know,” Heath said very quietly.

“Yes?”

Still avoiding his gaze, Heath took a deep breath. “You know when you kissed me on the forehead when I was asleep?”

The guitarist exhaled softly. “You were awake.”

“Yeah. I… I really liked that.”

“Oh.” Sugizo moved closer to him on the sofa. “Would it be okay if I did it again?”

Shyly biting his lip, Heath finally raised his gaze to meet Sugizo’s and he nodded. His skin tingled pleasantly when Sugizo pressed his lips to his forehead in the softest little kiss just like the one more than a year ago, but he didn’t stop there; Sugizo kissed his forehead, his temple, his cheek, the line of his jaw and Heath couldn’t contain a breathless whimper when he kissed him on the lips, one hand cradling the back of his head, Sugizo’s other hand cupping the side of his face. Heath’s own hands clung to the front of Sugizo’s t-shirt as though he might keel over if he didn’t hold onto something, and when the guitarist’s tongue began to explore his mouth tentatively, he dared to do the same, earning him a sweet moan from Sugizo and the hand in his hair tightened. Suddenly overwhelmed, Heath broke away to catch his breath.

“What’s wrong?” Sugizo murmured.

Heath turned away again. “Just… weird.”

“Weird?”

“I… never thought this would ever happen.”

“Maybe you’re thinking too much.”

Despite his uncertainty, he let Sugizo lean in and kiss him again and this time he felt a little bit bolder, tangling his own hands in Sugizo’s hair, kissing passionately, drawing deeper and deeper moans from each other until he was practically in Sugizo’s lap.

This time it was Sugizo’s turn to end the kiss.

“Fuck,” he laughed breathlessly. “This is usually the part where I wake up.”

They snuggled up on the sofa, the movie playing on the television forgotten and their tea going cold while they shared the sweetest little kisses, both of them nervously elated with this new development.

“I could stay like this forever,” Heath murmured between kisses. 

“Mm, I certainly hope not,” Sugizo said with a wicked smile. “You look amazing in a wet t-shirt but I haven’t seen you naked yet.”

Heath laughed and snuggled back into the guitarist’s arms, shivering when those fingers started threading through his hair again.

“I’m going away tomorrow,” he said wistfully.

“Where are you going?”

“Back home. I’ll be spending two weeks in Amagasaki with my family. Six hour drive first thing in the morning.”

“I’ll still be here when you get back.” Sugizo tilted Heath’s face up and pressed another soft kiss to his lips. “But if you want, I can give you something to remember me by.”

“Like a present?”

“Something like that.”

Sugizo circled an arm around Heath’s slim body and gradually deepened their kiss and Heath let himself get lost in the guitarist’s affections and Sugizo tangled his fingers in that long, silky black hair again and tugged just enough to have Heath tilting his head back and Sugizo kissed him along his jawline and down his neck until he was sighing. It simply felt unreal to be in this gorgeous man’s arms after the wet dreams and lingering looks, all the teasing and flirting, and a shiver ran down his spine like a trickle of ice when Sugizo moved down just past his collarbone and started kissing and biting and sucking in earnest, and Heath chuckled.

“What are you, a vampire?”

“They _are_ supposed to be very sexy,” Sugizo teased back.

“ _I_ never called you sexy.”

“Really? Not even when you broke into the bathroom while I was in the nude? Or how about when you stared at me after we got rained on?”

“That first one was an accident,” Heath grumbled.

Sugizo just smiled. “I wish you could stay.”

“I wish I could stay, too. But I have to get home and feed Qoo.”

They made a concerted effort to stand up and straighten themselves out, and Sugizo reluctantly walked Heath to the door.

“Oh! I just remembered. Wait here.”

“Oh… okay.” Heath watched him disappear into one of the adjoining rooms and heard him opening and closing drawers.

“Here,” Sugizo said. “Your t-shirt.”

“Oh, thanks! I’d almost forgotten about it.” Heath smiled and looked down at the well-loved garment in his hands. “Is it weird if I say that I’m going to miss you?”

“No. I’ll miss you, too.”

“I’ll call you when I can.”

“I’d love that. We’ll see each other when you get back.” Sugizo pressed his forehead to Heath’s and sighed. “Do I really get to kiss you whenever I want?”

Heath blushed. “Yeah.”

The two sweethearts shared one more lingering kiss and Heath pressed the David Bowie t-shirt back into Sugizo’s hands. “Here. Keep it. Something for you to remember me by.”

*******

Heath woke up to the sound of birds chirping outside, occasionally interrupted by the deeper, croaking calls of much larger crows out scavenging for scraps and digging about in people’s rubbish. The apartment was quiet and still, and he just lay in bed for a while in a dreamy haze. Qoo was still in her bed as well; soon she’d probably get up for a drink and play with her toys for a while before asking him for breakfast and a walk. For now, he was content to stay in bed and daydream for a while. He had had the most amazing dream of spending an evening in Sugizo’s arms. His mind was still blurry from sleep and he could only remember little snippets from the dream: kissing him, that pleasant shiver when Sugizo played with his hair, that light, sexy voice whispering in his ear.

_‘Do I really get to kiss you whenever I want?’_

He needed to stop daydreaming and get out of bed, though. His own bags were packed and sitting by the door ready to go, but Qoo would need a really good run this morning to stop her from getting too fussy sitting in the pet carrier on the long drive to Amagasaki - a good six hours on the road, including a few stops to stretch their legs and get some fresh air. He threw the covers back and shuffled into the bathroom to shower. As he washed himself, his body seemed to remember more details about last night’s dream, tactile memories of Sugizo’s arms around him, Sugizo’s lips at his neck, Sugizo’s body pressed against his— fuck, now he was hard and it wasn’t just morning wood. It didn’t seem to take much whenever Sugizo was involved. He took himself in hand and rested his forehead against the glass, taking some extra time to pleasure himself while imagining Sugizo touching him and kissing his neck, pumping and stroking himself and biting back a moan that echoed off the tiles when he found his release.

Stepping out onto the bathmat, he used the corner of his towel to wipe away the condensation on the mirror and paused. He reached up and gingerly touched a dark, reddish mark on his skin, just below the collarbone.

It wasn’t a dream, after all.

***

“I’m home!” The front door opened and five-year old Junichi leapt to his feet.

“Daddy!” he shrieked. “Uncle Hiroshi let me feed the doggy and walk him!”

“Her,” Tetsuya corrected. “Qoo’s a girl dog, remember?”

Junichi gave his father a look of mild confusion. He was still at that age where he thought that dogs were boys and cats were girls, even though their own cat Tora was a 'he'.

“You haven’t been bothering your uncle, have you?”

“Only a little bit,” Heath said with a grin.

“How was your day, hun?” Kumiko asked.

Tetsuya loosened his tie and the top button on his shirt. “Damn clients keep making changes to their specs. At this rate we’ll never get past the design phase.”

“Oh well. As long as they’re paying for the time, right?”

“That they are!” Tetsuya picked up Michiko from her playpen. “And how’s my little girl?”

“She stinks!” Junichi announced, pinching his nose with an exaggerated expression of disgust.

“She _is_ stinky, isn’t she!” Tetsuya agreed.

“Oh, really?” Kumiko poked her head out from the kitchen. “Can you—”

“Don’t worry, hun. I’ll change her.”

“Thanks. Boys, go wash up! Dinner will be on the table in ten minutes.”

“C’mon, Junichi.” Heath got up from the floor and took the boy’s little hand in his own.

  
  


“What did you guys get up to, today?” Tetsuya asked as they tucked into their meal.

“Junichi, why don’t you tell Dad what we did today?” Kumiko prompted their son.

“Uncle Hiroshi took us to see fishies!” Junichi said, his eyes shining.

“Did he!” Tetsuya smiled. “That sounds exciting.”

“We went to that new Kaiyukan aquarium that we keep meaning to go to,” Kumiko said, pouring tea for the adults.

Tetsuya grinned. “Wow! What kind of animals did you see?”

“We saw fish and crabs and penguins! And sharks!”

“And did you say thank you to Uncle Hiroshi?” Tetsuya asked.

Junichi beamed at Heath from across the table. “Thank you, Uncle Hiroshi!”

“You should take the kids there again someday, Tetsuya,” Heath said. “You’d really like it. They’ve got gorgeous, massive exhibits and even a whale shark.”

“And somebody thought Hiroshi was Junichi’s dad,” Kumiko grinned.

“Eh? What?”

“It was nothing,” Heath said, chuckling. “I gave Junichi some money for a sundae and the ice cream guy said, ‘Your son looks just like you!’”

Tetsuya turned to his wife. “I’ve shown you those pictures of us as kids, right?”

Kumiko frowned and chewed her lip as she tried to remember. “If you did, it was ages ago.”

“Man, when we were in our early teens, we could almost have passed as twins. Then I stopped growing when I was 16 and Hiroshi kept going,” Tetsuya added, casting a rueful look at his taller younger brother.

“That grey around your temples doesn’t help either,” Heath added, and Kumiko laughed.

  
  


It was always a bit crazy staying with his brother’s family. Junichi adored his cool uncle Hiroshi and would often follow him everywhere like an overenthusiastic puppy. Family visits were fun in small doses, but this time Heath found himself feeling rather more homesick than usual. He had a pretty good idea why, too.

“Hey, Tetsuya.”

Kumiko was putting the kids to bed, and his brother was sitting on the couch, nursing a beer and watching the news on TV with the volume turned down to unwind from a trying day at work. “Yeah?”

“Mind if I use the phone?”

“Nah. Go ahead.”

“Thanks. I won’t be long.”

Qoo followed Heath as he took the cordless phone out onto the back porch. It was mid-August and still warm and humid outside. He stroked the little dog’s ears with one hand and dialled with the other.

“Hello, Sugizo speaking.”

“Hey. It’s me.”

“Oh.” Sugizio’s voice changed, becoming softer and a little lower. “Hey, you.”

“I haven’t caught you at a bad time, have I?”

“Never,” the guitarist assured him. “What’s up? How’s the family?”

“They’re fine. The kids have gone to sleep so we’re all winding down. I just wanted to talk to you for a while.”

“I miss you, too. When are you back?”

“Next Thursday.”

“Can I see you then?”

“Of course. I’ve still got my ‘souvenir’ as well.” Heath could feel his ears burning as he said this. “I love it.”

“I’m glad you like it.” He could hear the smile in Sugizo’s voice.

They chatted for a few more minutes until the phone clicked; Sugizo had another incoming call.

“I’ll let you get that. I’ll call you another time, okay?”

“Definitely.” Sugizo ended the call with a kiss.

  
  


“Who was that?” Tetsuya asked casually.

“Huh?”

“Sorry, I couldn’t help overhearing some of it. Thin walls.”

“Oh, nothing. Just a friend.”

“You’re blushing.”

“N-no I’m not,” Heath said quickly.

Tetsuya laughed. “Well you are now! Just joshing you, man. I’m just happy for you, that’s all.”

If he hadn’t been buoyed by the happiness of speaking with Sugizo, Heath might have been annoyed at his stupid brother for overhearing his phone conversation.

“So? Who is it?” Tetsuya asked, grinning.

Heath slowly walked across the room and replaced the phone in its charging dock. “Sugizo.”

“That guy from that band? Who used to live with you?”

“Yeah.”

When Tetsuya didn’t say anything else, Heath looked over his shoulder. His brother was smiling at him with a kind of smug _I knew it_ look on his face. Presently Tetsuya got up from the sofa and stretched with a loud yawn. “God I don’t wanna go to work tomorrow.”

For the rest of Heath’s stay in his hometown, he kept himself busy driving his mother to and from her tai chi group that was held at the local community hall every Tuesday and Thursday, and helping Kumiko around the house with some of the cooking and cleaning. Both Tetsuya and Kumiko kept insisting that he ought to be using his time off to relax but he could tell that they were grateful to have another adult about the house to help out. Normally Junichi would be spending his weekdays at school but with all of the schools still on summer holidays for another two weeks, Heath and Qoo kept the youngster entertained and out of Kumiko’s way, taking him down to the beach or to the local dog park. Qoo particularly enjoyed going out for walks, not least because she was afraid of being bullied by Tora the tabby, who made a point of sitting on tables and hissing at her. When it was finally time to go home, Qoo was particularly eager to climb into the pet carrier that she usually shunned, and Heath loaded Qoo and his bags into the car.

“Thanks for everything,” he said, first hugging Kumiko and then his brother.

“Thank _you_ ,” Tetsuya said. “I can’t tell you how great it’s been having you help out. You really shouldn’t have, but we appreciate it.”

Heath shrugged. “What else was I supposed to do? Just sit around and do nothing?”

“Don’t you know? Holidays happen to be a very good time for doing nothing. C’mon Junichi, give your uncle a kiss and cuddle goodbye.”

“Bye Uncle Hiroshi!”

One-year old Michiko was feeling too shy to give Uncle Hiroshi a kiss but he waved at her as his car rolled down the driveway and down the street.

Somehow the drive home felt longer than the drive to Amagasaki along the same long, nondescript highways, mile after mile of black asphalt and white stripes, street lights on tall poles staring down on all the cars from a great height, cutting through open fields and mountainous areas and a vast stretch of glittering water as he crossed Ise Bay. He stopped three times: twice to let Qoo out for a drink and a walk, and once to take a bathroom break and grab a quick lunch from a convenience store, dining from the driver’s seat with the car doors open. He scrunched up his empty sandwich wrappers and threw them away, lighting up a cigarette for a few quick puffs before getting back behind the wheel.

The second he opened the pet carrier, Qoo was out like a flash and she busied herself trotting around the apartment, sniffing all the corners to make sure that everything was still where she left it. Heath smiled and watched the funny little creature for a few minutes. He made a mental note to find someone to look after her for a few days at the end of the year. He’d learned his lesson after waking up hungover after Tokyo Dome and finding that Qoo had left a present for him on the floor. From the other side of the wall, he heard the excited yipping of his neighbour Mr Komada’s dog. Mr Komada was a middle-aged divorcee whose chihuahua was good friends with Qoo. Maybe he could babysit. He’d probably like the extra company.

Despite Heath’s protests, Kumiko had very kindly washed most of his clothes, socks and underwear for him—“I’m doing the washing anyway,” she would say—so there was little in the way of dirty laundry that needed taking care of. _He_ could certainly use a wash after such a long drive, though, so he stripped off for a quick shower and a shave, and reemerged in clean, fresh-smelling clothes feeling very glad to be back in his own apartment. He curled up on the sofa and stayed like that for a moment, enjoying the quiet and being back at home. He stretched out an arm and picked up the phone.

“Hi. It’s me. Yeah, we just got back. I’ve missed you, too. Are you busy?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First comes the kissing.
> 
> Then comes the fucking :D


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heath and Sugizo  
> Sitting in a tree  
> F-U-C-K-I-N-G

The front door to Heath’s apartment had barely closed before they were all over each other and it was so primitive the way they kissed with such fervour that they could hardly breathe, roaming hands running through his hair or creeping up his shirt, cool fingertips trailing over his skin and Heath swore under his breath when Sugizo reached behind him to squeeze his ass and pressed their hips together, and he felt hardening flesh against his own, a shocking jolt of pleasure that seemed to snap them out of a moment of hot, mindless lust as they tried to catch their breath. They kissed once more, playfully this time, and gazed at each other with laughter in their eyes.

“Hi,” Heath whispered shyly. His fingers threaded through Sugizo’s hair. It was damp; clearly he had showered, shaved and spritzed himself with perfume before jumping in the car. Even though tonight’s unspoken objective was obvious, it was cute that they were still eager to impress one another. “You smell nice.”

“So do you,” Sugizo whispered back. Heath smelled of fresh laundry and soap, of musk and lavender and sandalwood. Sugizo had gotten so used to this fragrance when he lived with Heath that smelling it now felt like coming home, and then they both burst into helpless laughter when their intimate reunion was interrupted by the loud, comical squeaking from Qoo chewing on one of her toys and playfully growling to herself.

“That is the most unsexy thing I’ve ever heard,” Sugizo chuckled.

“Come on.” Heath took his hand, lacing their fingers together and leading him to the bedroom, closing the door behind them.

Sitting on the end of the bed, they were suddenly nervous. They spent a long time getting reacquainted with tentative kisses and shy touches, as though it were some sort of ritual that they had to pass before moving onto The Next Stage: a gradual deepening of their kisses, hands pressing into his partner’s back, occasionally daring to sneak below the waist, and Heath chanced a gentle squeeze of Sugizo’s thigh that had him sighing and moving closer until he was in Heath’s lap, slowly rocking their hips together while they spoiled each other with messy, feverish, open-mouthed kisses, biting, sucking, licking. Sugizo had one hand up Heath’s t-shirt, playing over the slender bassist’s chest and nipples while they kissed, his other hand undoing the fastenings on Heath’s jeans with deft, well-practised hands until he was able to slip that hand inside. Heath arched and moaned when Sugizo touched him through his underwear, allowing the guitarist to push him down onto the bed.

“Do you have lube and condoms?” Sugizo murmured, drawing his tongue lightly along the curve of his ear.

Heath paused for a second and swallowed the lump in his throat. “Yeah. Bottom drawer on the left.”

“Sorry. I would have brought some but it sort of slipped my mind, if you get my drift.” Sugizo got up to retrieve them and returned to the bed to an apprehensive-looking Heath biting his lip. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Have you been with a guy before?”

“Yeah.” Heath hesitated. “But it was years ago.”

Sugizo kissed him softly and sweetly. “I’ll take care of you.”

They lay on the bed kissing for a while longer and undressed each other very slowly, piece by piece. Their tops came off first and in the soft orange glow of the lamp, Sugizo gazed down at Heath’s slender body for a moment, just admiring him. Somehow he was even more beautiful like this than Sugizo had dreamt, and when he finally reached down and touched him very gently, running featherlight fingertips down his body, Heath jumped.

“Shh. Just relax.”

“No, no,” Heath laughed self-consciously. “Ticklish.”

Sugizo laughed as well. “Sorry. But it’s kind of adorable.”

There was a time and place for ‘adorable’ but Heath did not want to be ‘adorable’ right now, and Sugizo groaned when Heath reached up and drew a hand over that body that he had, until now, only dreamed of. While Heath’s hand roamed across his skin, Sugizo unzipped his own jeans and guided Heath’s other hand down to his boxers. Feeling a little more daring, Heath palmed that firm cock through the thin navy blue satin; he felt very hot in there and the harder Heath touched him, the harder he got until a small patch of dampness began to soak through, and Sugizo let out a tremulous moan, his head falling forward, his hand tightening around Heath’s wrist. This had Heath whimpering as well and he reached down to free his own cock. Sugizo didn’t need any more incentive than that; he swore under his breath and let go of Heath’s wrist, lightly dragging his fingertips up along Heath’s half-hard length from root to tip, enjoying the way he twitched and stiffened with his touch and Heath arched his back with hiss of pleasure when Sugizo pushed his jeans and boxers down and took them both in hand, stroking them together, squeezing just hard enough to make Heath’s head spin.

“God,” he gasped, grabbing the guitarist’s wrist and staring down in feverish awe at what he was doing to him, what he was doing to them both. Even though he had fooled around with a few guys in his youth, Sugizo was clearly more experienced and knew exactly what to do.

Sugizo hummed low in his throat and watched Heath’s expression with dark eyes. “Yeah?”

With his brow furrowed and his eyes squeezed shut, Heath bit his lip. “Yeah,” he breathed.

Sugizo gave them a few more strokes and let go. He kissed Heath slowly and hooked his fingers into his jeans, sliding them off with his underwear and tossing them aside. The next thing that Heath heard was the snap of a plastic lid opening and Sugizo’s hand was back around his cock, so cool and slick with lube that it made Heath tremble all over, working him up and down and slowly driving him out of his mind so that he almost didn’t notice something cold and slippery teasing at him until it began pushing inside him and he tensed up all over, both hands clenched and twisted in the sheets at this sudden and uncomfortable intrusion.

“Sugizo—”

“Shh. Just relax,” Sugizo pressed a kiss to his knee, still stroking him and watching his face for any sign of pain or discomfort as he eased a second finger inside him.

It took a few more minutes for Heath to grow accustomed to this unusual sensation and without thinking, he began to move his hips, pushing against those fingers and fucking himself into Sugizo’s other hand at the same time, his breathing growing shallow and Sugizo, seeing how much he was enjoying it, added a third and began fucking him with his fingers in earnest, looking for that sweet spot that would make him lose it. When Heath thrashed and jerked his hips and tried to pull away with a sharp intake of breath, he knew he had found it.

“Fuck…” Heath rasped. “Fuck I’m gonna cum stop Sugizo fuck I’m gonna cum _I’m gonna cum I’m—!_ " This ended in a strangled moan, his body tensing and arching as hot pleasure flared and exploded from inside him, spilling out all over Sugizo’s hand.

“Fuck,” Heath panted again, staring up Sugizo in a pleasure-ridden bewilderment at what the man had just done to him.

Sugizo just smiled down at him, clearly enjoying the effect he’d had on him. “And that was just the appetiser.”

With the door closed, the small bedroom was thick with the smells of sweat and sex and musky semen from the wadded-up tissues on the floor. Sugizo had intended to let him recover before proceeding any further but Heath pushed him off, flipping him onto his back and kissing him hard before turning his attention to Sugizo’s still-hard erection, gently, playfully mouthing at him. Sugizo breathed in deeply and watched, letting him go at his own pace and waiting to see what he would do. Heath tugged at his boxers and Sugizo helped him pull them off the rest of the way, groaning through clenched teeth when calloused fingers touched his thighs and his hot, bare cock and then there were lips, Heath’s lips kissing and mouthing, licking and teasing him, drawing his tongue up his length without shyness or shame, pressing soft little kisses all over. Heath took him in slowly, kissing the ruddy, leaking head and slowly sliding the rest of him into his mouth, his long hair falling over his face and across the guitarist's trembling thighs.

“Oh god,” he gasped, and it took a huge effort to push himself up on his elbows so that he could watch the beautiful bassist between his legs. “God, Heath, your mouth. So— _ah!_ —so good…” 

Sugizo ran his fingers through Heath’s hair, pulling gently and the resulting groan of delight sent intense ripples of pleasure down Sugizo’s length that shot all the way through his body like a bolt of lightning. He would have reached his end like that had he let Heath go on sucking and stroking his cock like that and there was something so exquisitely beautiful about the way his dark hair fell over his face when he looked up with those gorgeous, half-lidded eyes, but Sugizo had something far more enjoyable on his mind, so he slipped one hand underneath Heath’s chin and pulled him into his arms so that they lay on their sides, spooning that slender body against his own, closing a hand around Heath’s still-soft cock and grinding his own hot erection against Heath’s ass, making the cock in his hand twitch and the bassist in his arms moan softly. He turned Heath’s head just enough for them to kiss.

“More?” he whispered, and Heath trembled and nodded once.

That was all the encouragement Sugizo needed. He got to his knees and tore one of the condoms open, groaning as he rolled it on over his length and poured a generous amount of lube into the palm of his hand, lazily stroking it over his cock.

Heath was suddenly acutely aware of how naked and exposed he felt, even with Sugizo whispering soothing words as those fingers teased him with more lube and then his cock was rubbing up against him, bigger and thicker, a strange combination of soft and rigid, pressing against him, pushing in and stretching him and Heath winced, squeezed his eyes shut, bit his lip.

Sugizo stopped. “Am I hurting you?”

With his eyes still tightly closed, Heath took a deep breath. “A bit,” he admitted.

“Try to relax. If you keep tensing up, it’ll be even more uncomfortable. It’ll go in easier if you’re relaxed.”

Heath knew that, of course, but it was easier said than done. He nodded and made a concerted effort to breathe deeply and the burning ache was back as Sugizo went on pushing inside him by tiny fractions, his brow furrowed in concentration, pausing every time Heath’s body tensed up reflexively, stroking his hip with one hand in an effort to help him relax, whispering soothing words as Heath fought the urge to clench and push him out again and god that cock felt huge inside him but the guitarist was a considerate lover, taking it very slow and giving him time to become accustomed to having him inside him, and Heath cried out when Sugizo gave him one more firm, decisive push and he groaned, “Fuck… Heath you’re so fucking _tight_ …”

The burning, stretching sensation dulled into a warm, intimate pleasure that pooled and fizzed and churned in Heath’s body with every drag of that hard cock sliding in and out of him, accompanied by their laboured breathing and Sugizo leaned down to kiss him hard and chanced a deeper thrust as he did, pushing his entire length in and that hurt too, just a little bit, but in that one second that he was pulling out, Heath’s body desperately wanted him back inside his body where it felt so, so good and he wanted him closer, deeper, pushing his hips up to meet him mid-thrust, crying out when Sugizo slammed back inside him with a ragged moan and their pace quickened and Heath was so close that he could almost cry, locking his legs around his lover’s body and Sugizo ground his hips hard against Heath’s ass at the peak of every thrust and Heath reached down between their sweaty bodies to stroke himself off and a shockwave of pleasure flared when that cock inside him reached the sweet spot that had made him made him orgasm so hard before, again and again until all he knew was white hot pleasure with every nerve setting off fireworks and a burst of warm fluid leaked down his hand as Sugizo moaned and panted over him, fucking him harder and faster with Heath crying out beneath him with every thrust until he finished with one hard thrust and a deep groan as his dick twitched and pulsed.

They collapsed onto the bed side by side, naked and panting with exhilaration, a sheen of sweat on their skin. Heath’s fingers groped for the tissue box and he wiped himself off, dropping the tissues on the floor with the rest of the mess to be cleaned up tomorrow. It was a few more moments before Sugizo was able to get up on weak, shaking legs and he pulled off the condom, tying a knot in it and tossing it in the trash. He crawled back into bed and slipped his arms around his lover, resting his head on Heath’s shoulder like a pillow and closing his eyes and they just lay there like that for a long time to catch their breath and wait for the rapid thumping of their hearts to even out. Heath kept telling himself that they should get up and shower, but everything below the waist refused to move, and the rest of him preferred to bask in the fuzzy post-orgasm afterglow, and he had just enough strength to tug the covers over them before falling asleep with Sugizo spooned up against him.

  
  


The next morning Heath woke to the harsh ache of his empty stomach and something warm and sort of wet tickling his neck, and he opened his eyes a crack. In his sleepy haze he only saw chestnut brown hair and thought it must be Qoo licking him but instead of dog fur, he smelled perfume, a familiar perfume but not his own, and then the bed dipped in the middle and a hand caressed his body and it was Sugizo in bed with him—no, _still_ in bed with him, kissing his neck so languidly that Heath thought he might melt. 

“Mm,” Sugizo murmured. “Good morning.”

“Um. Morning.” Heath blushed at the feeling of the other man’s erection pressing into his hip and Sugizo was _not_ shy about it.

“I always sleep _so_ well after a good roll in the hay.” He stretched with a yawn, draping one leg over Heath’s. “Do you feel okay?”

“Yeah. I think so.” Heath couldn’t find the words to explain how he still half-expected to wake up at any moment, alone and with his hand around his dick.

They both jumped when something scrabbled at the door, breaking the mood.

“What the fuck was that?”

Heath chuckled. “It’s just Qoo. She wants to be fed and we shut her out last night, the poor thing.”

Sure enough, Qoo whined and scratched at the door again.

“And here I was hoping for a little morning fun,” Sugizo pouted. “C’mon then, let’s get you cleaned up properly.” He slowly climbed out of bed and helped Heath to his feet.

“Ah—!” Heath grunted and winced.

“Are you okay?”

Heath gritted his teeth. “I’m sore. Sore and stiff.”

“I’ll try to be more gentle next time,” Sugizo said in a low voice in his ear, caressing that smooth, pert rear and giving it a firm squeeze.

Naked and giggling, they made their way to the bathroom huddled together with Qoo following them, still complaining about her empty stomach and her even emptier food bowl. The cool morning air made them shiver and the bathroom tiles were chilly on their bare feet, so it was a relief when they finally stepped underneath the hot spray of the shower.

“You have such a beautiful body,” Sugizo murmured, cradling Heath against himself, slowly rubbing a bar of soap up and down his skin and drawing languid kisses along his neck.

“Mmm. So do you. Not the first time I’ve seen you, either.”

Sugizo chuckled low in his throat and slipped a hand beneath Heath’s chin, turning his head just enough to look into his eyes. “Are you sure you feel all right?”

“Yeah,” Heath said quietly, holding his gaze. “Why?”

“Well.” Still delicately caressing Heath’s body with his other hand, Sugizo thought about this for a moment. “I just want to make sure that you felt good. If it’s been a while since you’ve slept with a guy, I don’t want you to be uncomfortable with anything.”

Heath laughed lightly. “You made me cum twice. I didn’t even know that could happen.”

“Mmm, well if you want to go again…”

“I wish I could but I’m too sore.”

Sugizo heaved a mock sigh of relief. “Thank fuck. My legs are still kind of wobbly after the way you practically sucked my soul out through my dick. How are you so good with that pretty mouth of yours?”

Heath smiled and there was a sly little twinkle in his eye. “It’s just like riding a bike, I guess. You never really forget how to suck cock.”

Hearing this, Sugizo’s hands slowly made their way down, past his hips and between his thighs, and Heath quivered at the memory of the terrible, wonderful things that the man had done to him last night.

“You keep talking like that,” Sugizo said in a very low, almost predatory voice, caressing his ass with one hand and his dick in the other, “and you are going to be _ruined_ once I’ve had my way with you.”

A pleasant shiver ran up Heath’s spine and his cock twitched in Sugizo’s hand. “I kind of want to know what it feels like to fuck _you_.”

“Mmm. Anything for the gorgeous man who can suck me off like that.”

Heath laughed again.

“Besides,” Sugizo grinned. “We’re even now.”

“Even?”

The guitarist smirked to himself. “Yep. I’ve finally seen _you_ naked in the shower.”

*******

Their relationship burned fast, quickly developing into a whirlwind of learning about each other’s little idiosyncrasies in between bouts of passionate sex. Of course they shared a mutual love of rock music, chocolate seashells and coffee. They went to concerts together, just the two of them this time around. True to his promise last year, Sugizo eventually sat Heath down to watch _Blade Runner_ and then, having caught a bit of the sci-fi bug, Heath picked up the _Ghost in the Shell_ manga with great enthusiasm. Meanwhile Sugizo grudgingly admitted that _The Shining_ was ‘pretty good’ and just a few nights later, they watched _Alien_ and _Aliens_ back to back in rapt attention. They swapped CDs, compared notes on guitar styles and techniques, discovered new restaurants, and took Qoo to the park together. Heath was very much a morning person; Sugizo somewhat less so. Sugizo loved to socialise, whereas Heath’s idea of a good party was a meal and a few drinks with a handful of close friends. Heath taught Sugizo a few things about home cooking, starting with simple recipes like stir fries and curries and steamed fish.

“I hate this!” Sugizo sobbed over the onions. “How long does it take to get used to it?”

Heath swiped at his eyes with the back of one arm and sniffled. “You don’t.”

With another few sniffs, Sugizo set the knife down and took a few steps away. “I think I preferred chopping the chilli peppers.”

“No don’t touch your—!”

“What?” Sugizo rubbed his sore, stinging eyes with his hands. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

Heath grimaced. “Uh, you don’t feel anything?”

“Feel what?” Sugizo tried to say but it came out as, “Feel _whoa Jesus oh fuck holy fuck oh shit oh shit—_ ”

Still yelling an incoherent stream of profanities, he reached for the tap but Heath screamed, “No no no don’t use water!” and Sugizo screamed back, “My fucking face is on fucking fire!”

“Milk! Use milk! _Use milk!_ ”

“Milk! What!”

“Milk!”

And that was how Sugizo ended up bent over the sink, moaning and crying while Heath carefully poured milk over his burning eyes.

Sugizo was somewhat less enthusiastic about cooking after that, preferring to take them out for the night. They’d go to the movies and emerge a couple of hours later sharing furtive, playful glances through hooded eyes and smiling with kiss-swollen lips, having little idea of what actually happened during the movie and not really caring, and then they would go home and stumble inside, kissing and pulling at each other’s clothes and tripping over shoes and furniture and sometimes even Qoo in their haste to get to the bedroom or the sofa and one time, even up against the back of the door. That time, Heath had been worried that the neighbours would hear and complain, but not worried enough to want to stop.

Heath preferred quieter evenings spent curled up in the living room with at least one of them plucking at a guitar, or snuggled up in the crook of Sugizo’s arm while the guitarist twirled a lock of his hair through his fingers, enjoying a home-cooked meal with a few light drinks and a movie together, sharing smiles or a quick peck on the lips or cheek. Later on they would retire to bed together and descend into hot kisses drenched in pleasure, two lean, sweaty bodies moving together, arching, trembling, ever climbing and reaching for that peak and finally melting into that sweet _petite mort_ in each other’s arms, their bodies still quivering. They’d wake up to each other and snuggle for a while, kissing languidly, long looks through dark lashes, perhaps even enjoying a quickie before getting out of bed. The shower at Sugizo’s apartment was too small to comfortably accommodate two, especially with the colony of shower and hair products he kept in there. Heath quickly fell into a habit of letting Sugizo shower first, so that when he was done with his own shower, he’d slip behind him while Sugizo made coffee for them both, breathe in the mix of coffee and soap and shampoo and the scent that was uniquely him and press tiny kisses to that special place on his neck, just below his ear. This spot often seemed to make Sugizo melt a little; his shoulders would soften and he’d blink slowly and lazily like a cat. Heath wasn’t sure if Sugizo was aware of it or not, but it didn’t really matter and he certainly enjoyed the soothing effect that these tiny affections had on the guitarist.

The first few times Heath had spent the night at Sugizo’s apartment, he had tossed and turned and repeatedly apologised for said tossing and turning.

Sugizo had only laughed. “I wouldn’t have even known if you hadn’t told me. I just fall asleep like that.”

“I hate people like you,” Heath grumbled. “What I wouldn’t give to be able to fall asleep in five minutes flat.”

“If you really can’t sleep,” Sugizo said in a low voice, “I know all sorts of ways to wear you out.”

Sugizo occasionally grumbled about having to stick with the lease on his apartment and that this all would have been much easier if he’d never moved out of Heath’s place in the first place, but Heath sensibly reminded him that it was probably for the best. Even though they had already lived together before, their relationship had changed significantly since then and it was important to spend some time apart and get to know each other properly.

It wasn’t long before Tokyo Dome would soon be upon them and toward the end of autumn, X Japan began spending more time back in the studio to prepare.

“Good session, guys!” Yoshiki clapped his hands for attention.

hide rotated his shoulders a couple of times, first the left one and then the right. “Who’s up for drinks?”

Pata was an instant yes and Toshi volunteered a maybe. Yoshiki was a no, saying he had plenty to work on.

“Sure, I’ll come along,” Heath said with a shrug, crouching down to rummage his bag. It was starting to get chilly in the evening and he’d need an extra layer.

“What’s that?” Toshi asked.

“Uh, just an old hoodie I bought in Amerika-mura.”

“No, not that. On your neck.” Toshi pointed. “It looked like a bruise.”

“It’s nothing,” Heath said very quickly, standing up and sweeping his hair over his shoulder.

But his less than subtle attempts to dissuade Toshi’s concern only attracted more attention and now the others were crowding around an embarrassed Heath like a pack of inquisitive cats wanting to see what was so interesting until hide pushed Heath’s hair aside, took one good look at the ‘bruise’ and snorted loudly.

“That’s not a bruise, Toshi,” he said dryly. “Don’t you know a fucking hickey when you see one?”

“Oh.” Now it was Toshi’s turn to look embarrassed.

“Who gave it to you?” hide demanded. “Got a new girlfriend?”

“N-no,” Heath mumbled, blushing furiously.

“Yeah right. Don’t tell us you did that to yourself.”

“Yeah, c’mon, tell us! Who is it?”

“Why didn’t you say something before?”

“Not Noriko, is it?”

“Who’s Noriko?”

“Yeah, who’s Noriko?”

“No, it’s not Noriko!”

“ _Who’s Noriko?_ ”

Finally Heath buckled under the pressure and constant yelling and raised his hands in submission. “Okay! Okay, just… please shut up.”

“We will if you tell us,” hide said smartly.

Heath swallowed hard. “It’s… a… guy.”

“But _who?_ ” hide pressed.

“Um.” Now Heath was bright red in the face and it came out in a mumble. “Sugizo.”

Yoshiki, Pata, Toshi and hide stared at him, all open-mouthed, until hide erupted into gleeful laughter.

“I knew it. I fucking knew it!” he shouted, seizing the younger bassist by the shoulders and shaking him.

Even Toshi was laughing. “Well, I would never have guessed that Heath and _Sugizo_ of all people would become an item. Seems our little Heath fell for Sugizo’s sex appeal, eh?”

“Oh, you don’t think our sweet Heath could have tamed Sugizo’s lustful heart?” hide argued. “Even Ryuichi couldn’t tame that playboy.”

“hide,” Pata said with a look of reproach.

“What? They broke up forever ago and Ryu’s seeing some chick now. It’s all good!”

Pata shook his head and patted Heath’s shoulder. “Well. Just so long as he’s treating you right.”

“Look, are we going drinking or what?” a pink-cheeked Heath said loudly, and this produced the desired effect of moving the subject to neutral ground as the others started tossing around ideas for a suitable drinking establishment. As they bustled out the door, he heard Toshi asking hide, “So who’s Noriko?”

“Just Heath’s ex-fuck buddy.”

“Oh. Wait, his _what?”_

  
  
Teasing aside, life had never been so good for Heath: he was part of a well-loved rock band, he had an exciting new relationship with someone who was gorgeous and passionate and sexy, and they ended the year 1994 with _Aoi Yoru_ and _Shiroi Yoru_ , and a few years later he would look back upon these golden, blessed times and wonder how everything could have fallen apart so badly.


	14. Chapter 14

**January 1995**

“Happy birthday!”

“Happy birthday, Heath!”

It seemed like only a couple of short years ago that Heath had left his home in Amagasaki and moved to the big smoke in Tokyo at age 22 with dreams of joining a major league rock band. Now he was surrounded by his bandmates celebrating his 27th birthday with good food and good booze. There was only one thing missing.

“Hey,” hide said, giving Heath a good-natured slap on the back. “Where’s that boy-toy of yours? Why isn’t he here celebrating with you?”

“He’s—”

Before Heath could finish, hide gave a mock gasp and covered his mouth. “Oh my god. I bet he’s waiting for you at home in the nude with a rose in his mouth.”

Toshi caught Pata’s eye and shot him a mildly disgusted look, mouthing, _‘Gross.’_

 _‘I know,’_ Pata mouthed back. Sometimes hide said the weirdest shit and they did not need to be picturing their friends naked.

“He’s in Europe,” Heath corrected him. “They’re shooting the _Mother_ video in Ireland. Plus they’ve got the tour coming up and there’s a lot to do.”

Being in a relationship with a fellow musician did have its downfalls, not least of which was having to spend weeks or even months apart. Luna Sea would be busy promoting the release of the _Mother_ single next month and then commence their _Mother of Love, Mother of Hate_ tour in March. That would have them on the road until the end of May and Sugizo had promised to call at every opportunity he could get.

“Oh, that’s right. I forgot they were overseas.” hide chewed on some fried chicken, looking thoughtful. He glanced up when Yoshiki returned to the table. “Your tea’s gone cold.”

“Thanks,” Yoshiki said, smiling softly when hide refilled his cup.

“You spend way too much time glued to that thing,” Pata remarked, nodding at the chunky mobile phone that sat on the table by Yoshiki’s right hand.

Yoshiki shrugged. “I need to be able to get things done when I’m out and about. It makes everything so much more convenient. I think everyone should have one.”

“Are you kidding? No thank you,” Pata said as though Yoshiki had suggested that they pick up dog turds with their bare hands. “Then people might be able to find me.”

The others moved onto Shinjuku for drinks afterwards but Heath thanked them for the night out and declined, as Sugizo had promised to call after tonight’s rehearsal. When he got home, Qoo greeted him with her usual ardor, tongue out and tail wagging, no doubt partly because she was eager for her dinner. While she tucked into her meal, he curled up on the sofa beside the phone and flicked the TV on. Tonight's late night movie was the 1960s classic _Kwaidan_ and it looked like it had just started. He grinned to himself, remembering the time that he and his brother, aged eight and twelve, had snuck out of bed to watch the film on TV after their parents had gone to sleep. It was deliciously eerie and although both boys had been too creeped out to sleep properly that night, this was what had piqued a young and impressionable Heath’s interest in horror films. Heath poured himself a drink, tossed a bag of popcorn into the microwave and settled down to enjoy the movie.

Three-quarters into the film, Heath had gotten very comfortable, stretched out on the sofa with Qoo lying on top of him, the once-full bowl of popcorn sitting on the floor with brown kernels of unpopped corn rattling at the bottom. He yawned and laughed fondly when the little dog yawned back at him and licked his chin. Funny how some animals could catch yawns from humans. Heath craned his neck to look at the clock. Damn, it was nearly midnight. He picked Qoo up, switched everything off and went to bed. He woke up again sometime during the night feeling parched. Less salt in the popcorn next time. He downed a tall glass of water, refilled it and padded back to his bedroom, and his gaze fell upon the phone that had sat there silently all night.

It was hard not to feel just that little bit disappointed. His parents had called, his brother had called, a couple of his old bandmates from Media Youth and Paranoia and Majestic Isabelle had called. Hell, even a few of his old friends he’d left back in Amagasaki and Osaka, ones that he rarely had a chance to see or speak to anymore had called to say happy birthday.

But why did it even matter so much? He’d never been the kind of person to get hung up on birthdays and anniversaries. So Sugizo had forgotten to call and say happy birthday. Big deal, it didn’t mean that he didn’t care. In all likelihood he had been tired and collapsed into bed and passed out.

Still, he couldn’t help glancing at the phone as he moved about the apartment throughout the day doing this and that with Qoo trotting at his heels and when it finally rang, he jumped to pick it up.

“Hello?”

“Happy birthday.”

Heath sank into the sofa with a sigh. “Hey. How are you?”

“I’m so sorry I didn’t call you last night.” Sugizo’s voice was quiet, like he was ashamed.

“No, don’t worry about it. I’m sure you were tired.” Heath looked at his watch. “Uh, what time is it over there?”

“Two.”

“In the morning? God, hang up and go to sleep!”

“Can’t sleep anyway,” the guitarist admitted. “My body has no idea what time it is. I hope you weren’t waiting up all night.”

“Only most of the night,” Heath joked.

“Heath, I’m really sorry—”

“No no no,” Heath said quickly. “I was up late watching a movie.”

“Oh. Anything good?”

“Just _Kwaidan_. It’s not as good as I remember it being.”

“Still better than waiting for your boyfriend to call, huh?”

“Come on, Sugizo. It wasn’t like I sat there the entire night. The guys and I went out for a nice dinner and Yoshiki was paying.”

“Well I’m very glad to hear that.”

Heath grinned. “Glad that we went out for dinner, or glad that Yoshiki paid?”

“Yes.” Sugizo chuckled, feeling relieved. “I was kind of afraid you might be mad at me for not calling.”

“It’s seriously not an issue,” Heath insisted, and even as he said this, he felt dumb about letting himself get as annoyed as he did. It wasn’t as if Sugizo had chosen to ignore him on purpose. “What’s Ireland like?”

“Oh god, I’m freezing my goddamn balls off here!”

They both laughed at this.

“No, it’s seriously a beautiful country,” Sugizio went on. “We really want to do some sightseeing before we leave. Did you know there are a bunch of haunted castles in Ireland? I wish you were here to see them, you would absolutely love them…”

After they had said their goodbyes and hung up, Heath picked up his bass, humming contentedly to himself.

***

After spending the greater part of ‘94 working on their own projects, both hide and Toshi had produced solo albums, some singles from Pata, and earlier this year, Heath released his self-titled mini album. This year, Yoshiki set his sights on America and the album that he would call _Dahlia._ A number of singles had already been released: _Tears_ , _Rusty Nail_ and, in classic Yoshiki fashion, two different versions of the ballad _Longing_. It was good to be back in the studio writing, composing, arranging, recording, rehearsing. This album was crucial. It was their first real album and their first real tour in years, and it was Heath’s first real album with the band as well.

Determined to crack the western market, Yoshiki worked Toshi very hard on his singing and English pronunciation. At times it escalated to Yoshiki yelling at him and throwing something and even hide couldn’t calm Yoshiki down when he got this worked up. Twice Toshi had gotten so fed up that he simply walked out of the studio, but worse was when he just stood there and took it with his head bowed and his shoulders slumped in a posture of abject defeat while the others looked on in stunned silence. They could all see how hard he was trying and Toshi’s English was already far above average but their drummer and bandleader was nothing if not an uncompromising perfectionist with extreme expectations of everyone including himself. He unloaded on his childhood best friend readily and for the most part, Toshi just let him.

Nobody wanted to pry but they’d all heard that Toshi was having some family issues, something to do with his brother who ran Toshi’s management office. A couple of times Heath took him out for lunch in case he felt more comfortable talking about things without Yoshiki around, but he remained tight-lipped. The most recent time, Toshi had turned up looking so different that Heath almost didn’t recognise him. Gone were the long blond locks; he’d had it cut short and dyed black.

Toshi reached up and tentatively touched his hair. “You hate it, don’t you?”

“What? No! It’s just… different.” Heath sat down at the table and looked at Toshi contemplatively. “Seems like everyone’s changing their hair lately: hide, Yoshiki, you. Even Sugizo’s had his hair cut short and now he’s a brunette.”

“I like the pink on hide though. It suits him.”

“It really does!”

“So, what are you and Pata going to do?” Toshi joked.

“God, can you imagine Pata with short hair?” Heath scoffed.

“It seems like one of those things that's really traumatising, like hearing your parents having sex or something horrible like that.”

“My parents have _never_ had sex,” Heath declared firmly. “Anyway, I’m pretty sure that Pata was born with the long mane.”

Toshi laughed. “Well when was the last time _you_ had short hair?”

“Oh geez. I think I started growing my hair out when I was eighteen. Maybe nineteen.” Heath tilted his head this way and that, giving Toshi’s new haircut another good look. “What made you do it?”

“To be honest, Kaori suggested it,” Toshi said. “I feel like it’s more ‘me’, you know?”

“Oh, how is she?”

None of them had actually met Toshi’s girlfriend Moritani Kaori yet, but from the sounds of things their relationship seemed to be going well since they met on the set of _Hamlet_ last year.

Toshi smiled. “Good. She writes to me when I’m in LA. It’s… nice to know that she’s not into me just because I’m in a rock band. She wants to know me for who _I_ am, not just Toshi from X.”

Heath agreed. All too often people forgot that behind all the makeup and perfect smiles, behind the fame, behind the pretty face and the sex appeal and the glossy magazine pictures was a real human being, one who worked damn hard to hone their craft, who had good days and bad days, who craved real friendship and love and could feel happy or sad or insecure just like everyone else. To be able to find someone who could see past all of that and appreciate you as a person was a rare thing indeed. “Has she met your family yet? When do we get to meet her?”

Toshi scowled. “I’m not sure I want to introduce Kaori to my family, the way they’re being.”

“Why? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Toshi muttered. “Don’t worry about it.”

Heath tried to gently coax it out of him but Toshi still refused. Not wanting to upset his friend any further, Heath left it at that.

***

Summer crept up on Tokyo that year. The weather was moderate throughout June; it still held that characteristic Japanese humidity but the milder temperatures made it more bearable. Summer also meant that their first anniversary was coming up alongside Sugizo’s birthday. Heath strongly believed that the time spent together was its own reward but Sugizo had grand ideas about going out for a nice dinner to celebrate.

“Say no more - I know the perfect place,” Yoshiki said when Heath mentioned the occasion. He retrieved a leather-bound address book from his bag and leafed through the pages. “It’s a gorgeous little bar in Ginza, you wouldn’t even know it’s there if you didn’t know where to look. They serve the best sashimi and tempura in town and they’ll only seat twelve customers at a time. Usually you have to book months in advance.”

“Oh.” Heath chewed his lip. “Sugizo’s birthday is in two weeks. Does that mean we’re out of luck?”

Yoshiki smiled. “Don’t worry. I’ll call them.”

On the evening of 8 July, Heath arrived at Ginza Station early. Yoshiki had said to look for a record store and then go down a flight of stairs, so Heath took his time strolling along the streets of Ginza, enjoying the bustling nightlife on this warm summer evening. He passed all manner of buildings: banks, ice cream stands, department stores blaring obnoxious pre-recorded sale announcements on loop, designer clothes, designer shoes, designer stationery, little old ramen shops with their red paper lanterns and sun-bleached _noren_ hanging across the doorways. It was a little while before he found the place: KILLEЯ Records with a stylised hornet lit up in black and yellow on the neon sign, just as Yoshiki had described it. Since he still had some time, he wandered inside to browse through the new releases and wait for Sugizo to arrive.

He was still waiting almost an hour later, standing outside the record store when Sugizo finally turned up.

“I’m so sorry, I got here as fast as I could!” He was flushed in the face and out of breath.

“Did something happen? Wait…” Heath frowned. “Have you been drinking?”

“Look, I’m sorry,” Sugizo panted. “The guys wanted to take me out for birthday drinks and I couldn’t really say no, and I honestly wasn’t going to stay long but then we lost track of time and—”

“Sugizo—”

“I’m _really_ sorry. We don’t have to let the evening go to waste, though, right? Where’s this bar again?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Heath sighed.

“What do you mean? Of course it matters!”

“No, I mean we lost the reservation.”

Sugizo stalled. “Oh. Well… can I take you somewhere to make up for it?”

“I kind of just feel like going home right now.”

Lost for words, Sugizo just nodded mutely, and the two went their separate ways.

***

Sugizo pushed the pile of mail aside—some opened, some not—set his keys and wallet on the counter and started unloading his shopping: milk in the fridge, prepackaged gyoza in the freezer, coffee and tea in the cupboard, a new string for the acoustic that sat next to the TV. After a second’s thought, he turned and opened the fridge again to retrieve the apple juice, drinking straight from the carton while the refrigerator door slowly swung closed with a soft thud. He’d gone for a long walk to clear his head which hadn’t worked at all, but he did pick up a package of pre-made choc chip cookie mix. Sugizo hoped that appealing to Heath’s sweet tooth would help to clear the air between them. The instructions on the back were pretty simple and while the cookies were happily ticking away in the oven, he set to work replacing the string on the guitar. The well-loved Gibson 6-string with its warm sunburst finish had been sitting on its rack in the living room for two weeks with its broken D-string and he had kept procrastinating on it. It was one of those annoying little chores like putting the clean dishes away, or replacing a burnt-out lightbulb, or resetting the clock on the VCR after a blackout; a small task that takes only a few minutes but is somehow so unbearable that you moan and groan and put it off for as long as you can. Now that he turned the tuning peg to tighten the string, he found it was sort of soothing. He hadn’t needed to do this in ages. These days they had guitar techs on staff with electronic tuning devices to do a lot of the repair work and tuning for them quickly and efficiently. He wondered for a brief moment if they were too spoilt now that they could throw money around to solve certain problems.

He nestled the instrument in his lap and gave the new D-string a few light plucks while twisting the peg with his left hand in the tiniest increments until he was finally satisfied with the sound, and he slipped the strap over his head and strummed a few times. His well-practiced fingers etched out a riff that had begun to sprout in his head during his walk. Huh, gotta write that down, he thought and was about to get up for a pen and manuscript paper when someone knocked.

“Coming,” he called, almost getting himself tangled up in his guitar strap. He set the instrument back on its stand and opened the door. “Oh. Hey.”

“Hi.” Heath seemed to be having trouble looking at him, but he smiled tentatively. “Can I come in?”

“Of course.” Sugizo squeezed himself against the wall to let Heath in.

“What were you playing? New song?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. It’s too early to tell.”

“I like it.”

“Thanks.” Sugizo hesitated. “Um… what’s up?”

Heath sat down on the sofa and pressed his hands between his knees. “I wanted to make sure that you were okay. And I wanted to apologise.” He paused. “What’s that smell?”

“What smell?”

Heath wrinkled his nose. “It smells like something’s burning.”

“Oh sh—” Sugizo bolted into the little kitchen and threw the oven door open, coughing and spluttering when heat and smoke billowed out, and then the smoke alarm started shrieking as if he didn’t already know. Swearing in between coughs, he clambered up onto the counter and squinted through the haze to press the little button that made the smoke alarm stop.

“Jesus, be careful!” Heath shouted anxiously through the din. “You’ll crack your head open! Let me get a chair—”

“It’s fine, it’s okay.” Sugizo slowly climbed back down again and opened the kitchen window as far as it would go. “They’re all burnt.”

Heath bent down and peered at the tray of dark brown discs, some with blackened edges. “I didn’t know you liked baking.”

“I don’t.” Sugizo practically threw the baking tray onto the stovetop with a look of disgust. “They were supposed to be a present.”

“Oh. For who?”

“You.”

Heath blinked. “Me?”

“Yeah. You know. To say sorry for last night.”

“Sugizo.” Heath pulled him into a tight hug. “You don’t need to do things like that for me. I’m sorry too.”

“What do _you_ have to be sorry for?” Sugizo mumbled into his shoulder.

Heath pursed his lips and hesitated. “I got a phone call from J earlier today. He told me about how they dragged you out for drinks even though you said you had plans and they lost track of time. He said that by the time you realised how late it was, you left straight away.”

Sugizo looked down at the floor and shrugged. “I really wanted to do something nice for our first anniversary.”

“I know you did. I’m honestly happy enough just to be with you but we didn’t even get to celebrate your birthday properly.”

“Well.” Sugizo glanced over his shoulder at the stovetop. “We’ve got some really bad cookies.”

“They’re fine! Look, this one’s only a little bit burnt at the edges.” The treat was so hard that Sugizo winced when Heath took a bite. “A bit overcooked but it tastes fine.”

Sugizo picked up another one and took a tentative bite with the same result. Chewing was surprisingly hard work and kind of hurt. “Yeah, these are going in the bin.”

“Okay,” Heath chuckled.

They retreated to the sofa again, sitting side by side.

“You know,” Heath offered. “If you want, I can ask Yoshiki if he can get us another reservation at that place.”

Sugizo shook his head. “No. No way. I appreciate the thought but I do _not_ want to have to bother him about it again.”

“I’m sure he wouldn’t mind—”

“No, Heath, please. I’ve caused enough trouble as it is.”

Seeing how chastened Sugizo looked, Heath relented and offered him a small smile. “Look. Why don’t we go somewhere casual and just have dinner? There’s no rule that says birthdays and anniversaries have to be a big deal.”

In the end they dined at the little ramen shop just down the street from Sugizo’s apartment and in a way it was better than getting dressed up for a fancy night out. They were happy just to enjoy some good, wholesome, comforting food and a couple of frosty beers, and half-way through their meal they were all smiles and laughter over everything from the song that Sugizo had maybe been composing, to Qoo catching and eating a beetle she found at the park. They went back to Sugizo’s apartment with last night’s incident behind them, feeling very amorous.

“That was amazing,” Heath purred as they snuggled together in bed.

“Mmm. It’s been a while since I last had make-up sex,” Sugizo said dreamily.

Heath chuckled. “Did we have a fight? I don’t even remember.”

Sugizo snuggled him harder and rested his head against Heath’s chest, listening to his breathing, and felt the steady rise and fall of his chest. “I love you.”

“What?” Heath murmured, threading his fingers through his lover’s hair.

Sugizo took that hand and pressed it gently to his lips. “I said I love you.”

For a long time, Heath said nothing. Finally he eased Sugizo onto his back and cupped his face with one hand, cradling the guitarist’s slim form with the other and kissed him deeply. “I love you.”

***

It was like waking up in a Disney cartoon. The morning sun had made the room warm, just enough to feel very cosy, the birds were singing outside, and Sugizo had slept incredibly well. He smiled to himself, thinking back on how they had exchanged _I love you_ s and the hottest kisses last night before descending into another round of achingly sweet lovemaking and falling asleep in each other’s arms. He hadn’t even said _I love you_ when he was with Ryuichi; the topic had never come up. The very thought gave him a little shiver, a little thrill. They were _in love_.

He turned over lazily with an easy sigh; Heath was already awake and sitting up in bed, rubbing his eyes, his long black hair spilling over his shoulders. Sugizo loved the shape of Heath’s body: that lovely neck, usually adorned with necklaces and chokers, was bare and curved gently down to the broad, straight line of his shoulders and drew the eye to the smooth taper down to that slender waist, the dip of his spine as he stretched, lithe and elegant as a cat, the lean muscles flexing in his shoulders and arms. He reached out and very softly ran his fingertips down Heath’s back. Heath turned and smiled, and Sugizo pressed a kiss to the small of his back, trying not to think about the moment when Heath would have to leave.

That was probably the one thing that made their relationship somewhat less than perfect: Qoo. It wasn’t that Sugizo resented her or anything. He liked her very much, but he couldn’t deny that it put a damper on things whenever Heath had to leave early in the morning to feed and walk the dog.

“Why don’t you just bring her with you when you stay over?” Sugizo had suggested one morning.

“I don’t know,” Heath had said dubiously. “It seems like a whole lot of fuss.”

Sugizo thought to himself that it seemed about as much fuss as his boyfriend always having to leave first thing in the morning instead of getting to enjoy some extra time together, but he wouldn’t dream of actually bringing it up. In the months that he’d lived with Heath in ‘93, he had seen the way he looked after Qoo and Sugizo understood that pets weren’t just animals; they were family, and family needed looking after, especially four-legged ones who couldn’t feed themselves. It wasn’t as though he wanted Heath to choose between his dog and his boyfriend. It would just be nice if Heath didn’t have to rush off all the time.

“ _Sugizo_ …”

“Mm?”

“I need to go.”

“Mmm.” Sugizo cradled the back of his head and kept on kissing his neck. “Just a bit longer.”

Heath giggled. It was sometimes difficult to say no to Sugizo but this time he gave him a gentle push and reached to open the front door. “If I don’t get home in time to walk her, she’s going to pee all over the place.”

“I’ll clean it up.”

“You know that’s not the point. Besides, the poor little thing will be starving by now.” Heath smiled apologetically and they shared another deep, sensual kiss, so much so that even Heath could feel his own resolve dwindling with the way that Sugizo pressed his thigh between his legs until they were all but rutting against each other like animals in heat.

“Fuck, I could take you like this right now,” Sugizo growled in a voice that just about made Heath’s blood boil with desire and the bassist whimpered in response. But Sugizo knew better than to push his luck. He gave Heath another kiss, a playful one this time, and patted his rear. “Come on. You should get home to Qoo. She’s probably crying and scratching a hole in the door.”

“Yeah. I really should.” Heath’s eyes were still glazed with lust but he nodded. “We’ll continue this next time.”

“I am going to wear you out next time.”

“Not if I wear you out first.” Heath smiled. “I love you.”

For perhaps the hundredth time, Sugizo was struck by how beautiful he was when he smiled. It was all in the eyes and Heath did have such pretty eyes. “Love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woop woop there’s the bitch Kaori!  
> [Translation of Toshi’s book](https://juritr.web.fc2.com/toshi/index.html) (not a nice read)
> 
> Can someone please stop my brain from thinking up new wips that I can't keep up with, thanks :)


	15. Chapter 15

**September 1995**

“This is really good.” Pata took a quick swig from a bottle of Jack Daniel’s in one hand, using his other hand to leaf through the album booklet while he nodded along to the music.

“Yeah. The singer used to tour with Nine Inch Nails. He played guitar.”

“Cool.”

“I read a rumour that they wrote the first song about Kurt Cobain.”

“Really?”

Heath shrugged. “I dunno. It was just something I read in a magazine. Maybe they made it up.”

They sat cross-legged on the mottled ivory and beige carpet of Pata’s apartment, listening to _Short Bus_ by a new American band called Filter. They had a collection of CDs scattered around them like schoolboys swapping trading cards, the glossy jewel cases gleaming under the ceiling lights: Nine Inch Nails, Dream Theater, Buck-Tick, Pink Floyd, Santana, Led Zeppelin, Massive Attack.

“Didn’t really like that one, though,” Pata went on, touching the case of the previous CD they’d sampled.

Heath hummed contemplatively and thumbed a few strings on his bass in tune with the music. “Not into Juno Reactor?”

“Nah, I don’t really like that stuff that’s all electronic.”

“I think Sugizo got me into that one.”

“Yeah, he likes his electro-techno stuff, doesn’t he?”

“He loves it. I think hide might like it as well.”

“Probably. hide likes everything,” Pata agreed. “Give me good old rock ‘n’ roll any day.”

They often enjoyed spending time just hanging out and listening to music for hours. It was like brain food, feeding their creativity to see and hear what other musicians were working with, analysing chord progressions, lyrical themes, musical styles, and just to relax.

“It’s not as heavy as I thought it’d be.”

“This song?”

“No. This.” Pata held up Heath’s new mobile phone, weighing the device in his hand and opening and closing the hinged flap at the front. “Is Yoshiki calling you at all hours now that you’ve got one?”

“He would if he knew I had it,” Heath grinned. “Mostly it’s useful for when Sugizo and I need to call each other if we’re not at home.”

“Oh, he’s got one too? How is he, anyway?” Pata asked, poking the smooth rubber buttons to make them light up and beep. “They feel like gummies. Any thoughts on getting a place together?”

“We’ve talked about it, but it might be a bit soon.”

“Not like you haven’t lived together before,” Pata reminded him.

“Yeah.” Heath palmed the strings on his bass to mute them. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

Heath hesitated. “Do you think it’s weird for Sugizo to kiss Ryuichi onstage?”

Pata blinked, the new toy in his hands momentarily forgotten. “Okay. I was not expecting that kind of question.”

“Sorry.” Heath looked back down at his bass. “You know what, forget I asked.”

“No no,” Pata said. “Does it bother you when he does that?”

Heath shrugged.

“Well it must if you’re bringing it up. Have you spoken to him about it?”

Heath shook his head. “I don’t want him to think I’m jealous or clingy or anything. But how would he feel if I did the same thing to you or hide or something?”

“Hey hey hey, hang on, stop right there. I do _not_ want you kissing me onstage. Any of you.”

Heath chuckled. “Yeah, yeah. Everyone knows that only Kotetsu’s kisses are good enough for you.”

“Damn straight.” Now Pata was playing with the bendy plastic retractable antenna. “Look, I think there’s two things going on here. Number one: yes it might be a bit weird for Sugizo to kiss someone else while he’s with you, except for one thing.”

“Which is?”

“It’s fanservice. If he thought that it was something he had to hide from you, would he do it in front of thousands of fans and for the cameras to see?”

Heath frowned. Pata did have a point.

“Number two: if that’s bothering you, you should talk about it with him. He probably doesn’t even think about it after the show and has no idea that it bothers you.”

Heath let his gaze wander and thought about this for a moment. “Yeah. You’re right. I’ll talk to him when I see him tonight.”

“Good boy.”

Heath cast a quizzical look at him, only to see that Pata had scooped up his cat from the floor. “Me or him?”

Pata just grinned and nuzzled the fluffy ginger cat before setting him back down again. Kotetsu trilled and picked his way across the floor with his tail up, climbing into Heath’s lap to demand attention and Pata laughed. “What do you suppose your sausage dog thinks when she smells cat all over you?”

“Probably wondering who the hell I’ve been playing with,” Heath chuckled. “Last time I was here, she sniffed me all over and looked really offended. You’d think she found lipstick on the collar of my shirt or something. Now what are you doing?”

“Calling myself.” Pata was back to fiddling with Heath’s phone and he looked up at his own home telephone mounted to the wall. His face lit up when it rang. “Hey, it worked!”

“Of course it works, what do you think it’s for?”

Pata hung up. “I guess it’s pretty cool. Still don’t want one, though. I like it when people can’t find me.”

Heath just snorted and snatched his mobile phone back when it rang. “Hello?”

“Hey.” It was Sugizo. “What are you up to?”

“Oh hey. Not much. I’m at Pata’s, listening to music and jamming and playing with his cat. What time did you want to meet tonight? The movie starts at—”

There was a tired sigh from Sugizo’s end of the phone. “Yeah. About that. I’m going to have to cancel. This management meeting is running seriously overtime and I don’t think I’ll be out in time.”

“Oh.”

“I’m sorry. I know this is the second time. We’ll reschedule and I’ll make it up to you, I promise.”

“Oh. That’s okay. You’d better get back to your meeting. I know it’s important.”

“Yeah. Heath?”

“Yes?”

“I’m really sorry.”

“It’s all right. These things happen. Call me when you’re done, okay?”

“I’ll do my best.”

Heath closed his phone and absently scratched Kotetsu’s ears while the cat purred and pushed his head into Heath’s hand.

“Cancelled?” Pata asked gently.

“Yeah. Again.”

“You okay?”

“Sure. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Hey, you know what?” Pata said quickly. “I was really in the mood for pizza today. Why don’t you hang around and we can share a couple of pizzas? And didn’t you say you were working on the rhythm for a few songs? I bet we can make a lot of progress on that tonight.”

Heath smiled gratefully. “Thanks, Pata.”

Pata reached down and squeezed his shoulder. “Any time, kiddo.”

Heath was glad to have been able to spend the evening with Pata. After his plans with Sugizo fell through, he was thankful not to have to spend the evening at home twiddling his thumbs. He shared a very easy friendship with the older guitarist and since last year they’d made sort of a habit out of hanging out together just as they were now, listening to music, playing music, writing music. Pata offered the kind of stable friendship that many of his peers found comforting. Yoshiki was too obsessive with a flair for the dramatic and he could turn anything into work. hide was a wonderful friend but he could be too bipolar at times, and it got exhausting the way he might shift from one extreme to the other. Toshi’s time and energy was divided between his girlfriend, his ongoing issues with his brother’s management and Yoshiki’s impossible standards, and this left him feeling as though he were being pulled in three directions at once. Through all of this, Pata was the rock that kept standing while being buffeted by the sometimes chaotic elements around him. He didn’t care who or what you were; as long as you could hold a few drinks and you weren’t a jerk, you were okay in his book. Bonus points if you were a baseball fan. Contrary to Yoshiki, Pata made a point of staying away from drama and lived life at his own carefree pace, spurning the usual trappings of the rich and famous rockstar lifestyle. He preferred to keep his dwellings modest; he didn’t need the obnoxious mansions or the showy sports cars that Yoshiki flaunted, or the extravagant hair and wardrobe that hide gravitated to. Pata was, and would always be, Pata.

By 11pm they were full of pizza, had spent a solid couple of hours messing around with their guitars, even watched a movie, and Sugizo had not called.

“I’d better be getting home,” Heath said, making a cursory effort to dust the orange and white cat hair off his clothes.

“Yeah, I guess it’s pretty late.” Pata walked Heath to the door with Kotetsu weaving in and out between their feet like a furry orange snake, and Pata picked the cat up and draped him over his shoulder as though he were an old towel. “Hey, Heath?”

Heath opened the door and turned. “What?”

“Get some sleep.” Pata’s expression was sympathetic. “You can talk to him tomorrow.”

Heath gave his friend a reassuring pat on the shoulder and smiled. “I’m fine! Thanks for tonight.”

As soon as the door to Pata’s apartment closed, Heath’s smile faded. He drove home with the radio turned up.

***

It had taken Heath ages to fall asleep that night and when he finally did, he woke up at 2am and tossed and turned for ages. Fed up, he got up for a glass of water, flicked through the channels on TV and finally climbed back into bed at 6am. He’d gone to sleep almost instantly but it was not a restful sleep and when he woke up some time after 10am, he still felt tired and irritable, even after some breakfast, a strong coffee and taking Qoo out for a brisk jog.

Figuring that this day was already a write-off, he ran a bath and enjoyed a nice, long soak with a Van Halen CD playing on the stereo in his bedroom. Now _this_ was relaxing: nothing he needed to do, nowhere to be, just having a nice, hot bath with his fingers tapping along the rim of the bathtub in time to the—

“There you are.”

“Holy sh—” Sudsy water sloshed all over the floor and Heath was all flailing arms and legs, desperately scrambling for something to hold onto. He pushed the sopping wet hair out of his face. “What are you doing here?”

“Uh, I came to see you?” Sugizo said quizzically, handing him a towel.

Heath wiped his face and stood, soapy water streaming off his body, and he carefully climbed out of the slippery bathtub and tucked the towel around his waist. He wrinkled his nose and cringed in disgust; the wet bath mat squished unpleasantly beneath his feet, like walking around in wet socks. Everybody hates that.

“I knocked and knocked, and then I called you but nobody picked up,” Sugizo shouted from the laundry, returning with a mop to clean up the puddles on the floor. “You mustn’t have heard it over the music.”

In the bedroom, Heath turned the music off and picked up his phone. Two missed calls from Sugizo, three minutes apart. He sighed and finished drying off, pulling on a t-shirt, boxers and jeans, and felt Sugizo hugging him from behind.

“I hope you don’t mind me letting myself in with the emergency key. I got here and I saw the lights on, so…”

“No, I don’t mind.”

“I thought you weren’t picking up the phone because you were mad at me,” Sugizo murmured into his shoulder and squeezed him tighter. “I’m really, really sorry.”

Heath sighed again. “Why didn’t you call last night?”

“I know, I’m sorry. Things ran late and it sort of slipped my mind, and by the time I remembered it was late. The last thing I wanted to do was annoy you even more by waking you up.” Sugizo pressed a gentle kiss to his cheek.

Heath laughed dryly. “It wouldn’t have mattered, honestly. I didn’t get much sleep last night anyway.”

“Oh.” Sugizo frowned. “I hope it wasn’t because of me. Can I make it up to you?”

“I’m fine, really.”

Sugizo moved on to kiss his neck. “I can make you more than fine.”

“Mm.” It felt nice but Heath really wasn’t in the mood after such an awful night’s sleep. “Maybe later.”

“Oh. Okay.” Sugizo pursed his lips and did his best to hide his disappointment. “Well, that doesn’t matter. I have something else for you.”

He took Heath’s hand and pulled him into the living room where he lifted the lid on a white box on the coffee table.

Heath laughed. “You brought me chocolate cake?”

“Made by an actual baker this time!”

Heath laughed again and he couldn’t help smiling while Sugizo served up a slice.

“Shoo. Off with you.” Sugizo flapped his free hand at Qoo who was circling his feet excitedly, begging for a piece. “Go away!”

Heath’s fork hovered over the cake. “Where’s yours?”

Sugizo shook his head and slipped an arm about Heath’s shoulders. “I’ll have some later. First I have to look after you.”

“Please? I feel weird if you’re just watching me eat. It’s not a spectator sport.”

“It is in some countries!”

Heath laughed.

“Maybe I’ll have _one_ bite.” Sugizo opened his mouth and Heath giggled and fed him a piece of cake. “By the way, I really don’t approve of you trying to drown yourself.”

“That was only because you broke into my apartment unannounced and scared the life out of me!”

“You’re lucky I was there to rescue you!” Sugizo chuckled and nuzzled his neck. “Still mad at me?”

“Mm, I was a bit annoyed,” Heath admitted, licking the last smears of icing off the fork. “But I’m just glad to see you.”

“I’m glad to see you smile again.” Sugizo kissed his cheek.

“What are you doing tonight?”

“Well… you, hopefully.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“Would it help if I took you out for a nice dinner to make up for last night?”

Heath leaned in and kissed him. “That sounds nice, but you don’t have to.”

Sugizo smiled and chased those lush lips, pushing Heath down and deepening their kiss.

“Or what if we just stay in tonight?” he whispered, his lips brushing against Heath’s ear.

Heath shivered with pleasure. “That sounds… even better.”

A soft moan escaped from his lips when Sugizo began mouthing at his throat, one hand sliding up beneath Heath’s t-shirt, the other making its way down to squeeze his thigh, and Heath’s body seemed to move of its own accord, his fingers hooked into the belt loops of Sugizo’s jeans, his long legs clamped about the other’s hips and grinding against him, drawing a deep rumble of delight from the man on top of him and Sugizo kissed him roughly, wet, messy kisses, frantic and heady until Heath broke it off to gasp for air, biting his lip and arching his back as Sugizo began to undo his pants, fumbling with the button and the zip one-handed even as their hips still moved against one another. Heath raised his hips off the sofa to let Sugizo tug his jeans down and he fucking _trembled_ when the guitarist’s fingers ghosted along the length of his straining cock before withdrawing to attend to himself and Heath was almost crying with the need to be touched, he needed it so badly that it almost hurt even as he watched Sugizo shoving his own jeans down to his knees, his dick just as eager, thick and heavy and so goddamn hard and they were all over each other, kissing and licking and biting, hardened flesh beneath soft, delicate skin rubbing and dragging against one another, both of them too lost in the moment to get up and take it to the bedroom to fuck each other properly. Sugizo paused just long enough to tug his t-shirt off over his head and helped Heath do the same. They laughed breathlessly when it got caught beneath his chin and they resumed their desperate, heated rutting, Sugizo with his face buried in his lover’s neck, biting and sucking and marking him as his own and whimpering with pleasure, Heath’s breathing coming out in short, shallow moans between heavy gasps, his hands clawing at Sugizo’s back, the sofa creaking in protest beneath them. The hot friction between them soon became too much and Heath could feel Sugizo thrusting against him harder and faster, knew he was very close and he looked down—

“Oh… _god…_ ” Sugizo stilled with a groan of pleasure and relief and Heath, unable to contain a moan himself, watched him pouring himself out in thick spurts and it fucking turned him on even more and he continued rutting right through Sugizo’s orgasm, breathing heavily and smearing his cum between them and he slender bassist arched and groaned and Sugizo watched his lover coming undone beneath him with a raw cry, pulsing out and adding to the mess that Sugizo had started, both of their cocks covered in thick pools of white and Sugizo groaned in appreciation, carefully lowering himself down on quivering limbs and trying to avoid the sticky, slimy mess they’d made.

“Smells like sex in here,” he murmured.

Heath laughed lightly. “Yeah. I’ll crack open a window.” His heart was still hammering away inside his chest and he heaved a tired, contented sigh.

It took more than a few handfuls of tissues to clean up, and by the time they’d squeezed into the shower together to wash the sweat and semen off their skin, they were all smiles and laughter and flirtatious kisses, all memory of any past or recent grudges flushed down the drain. Sugizo ordered take-out for dinner with the rest of the chocolate cake for dessert, and while they cuddled up on the sofa together and chatted about music and how Pata hadn’t been all that interested in Juno Reactor, it then occurred to Heath that he was supposed to talk to Sugizo about kissing Ryuichi. How would he even broach the topic? _‘Hey, by the way, all that kissing and fondling you do with Ryuichi onstage? That’s not serious, right?’_

“You okay?”

“Hmm?” In a split-second of panic, Heath wondered if he’d said something out loud.

“You just seem a bit distracted.” Sugizo reached up and tucked a lock of hair behind Heath’s ear. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?” Sugizo frowned a little. “Not still mad at me for last night, are you? What else do I need to get to cheer you up? More chocolate cake? A blowjob? A chocolate blowjob?”

Heath laughed. “No, don’t be stupid!”

 _Now would be a good time to bring it up_.

But they were having such a nice time after having kissed and made up, just snuggling on the sofa and basking in what was left of that post-orgasm afterglow. It would be a terrible shame to spoil the mood, so he shelved the thought for later and got up to rummage in the drawer.

“Here,” he said, tossing Sugizo a small silvery object. “I don’t know why we didn’t do this sooner.”

It fell short and landed on the sofa, getting caught in the crack between two cushions, and Sugizo picked it up and held it in the palm of his hand. “Aw, thanks. I’ll get you a spare key for my place, too.”

Heath smiled. “That’d be nice.”

“I’ll say. I can’t wait for you to break into my apartment and take advantage of me while _I’m_ naked and wet and vulnerable.”

“Deal.” Heath reached out a hand and they shook on it, laughing. “Are you going to stay tonight?”

“Mm, yeah.” Sugizo pulled Heath back into his lap. “If you don’t mind.”

“Good.” Heath rested his head on Sugizo’s shoulder.

Sugizo nuzzled his hair affectionately. “Maybe I’ll just stop wearing clothes at home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly I can't wait until the proverbial shit really hits the fan :D


End file.
